What should I do? Please help...
I'm not sure how to start this so I guess I'll just put my thoughts and feelings down and hope it all comes together.
I've been with my partner for three years and in May we had a baby girl. Just before I got pregnant, we broke up for a month as I felf lonely, disappointed, let down, unloved and uncared for. I felt he wasn't making enough effort.
A couple of months after we got back together, I fell pregnant. It was a suprise and felt too soon in some ways but it seemed to bring us together. But now I'm again feeling those negative emotions that I was before the first split and I really don't know what to do.
I'm also unsure whether I'm just too demanding or if he really is not making an effort. Either way we are arguing lots, pretty much every weekend and I end up in tears. Possibly one of the biggest problems is I have never felt in awe of him or completely head over heels. He was a slow burner who I came to love because of his values, beliefs and how trustworthy he is.
Most my previous relationships had been shrouded in secrecy or deceit so I got used to feelings of passsion, insecurity and excitement. Because I don't have these feelings for my current partner as he is trustworthy and the relationship is wholesome, I've always felt something is missing.
I try to battle that as I dont want another dishonest relationship that has so substainability but it is nevertheless a battle. I do have high expectations of my partner but he often fails to meet even the basic ones. For eg, when I text him to tell him I was feeling low the other day, he sent a nice text back but when he got home, he didn't hug me or ask how I was, just carried on using the computer. He was searching for a holiday for us and said he thought that was the best thing he could do for me at that time (the day before we'd argued that he hadn't done anything to make a holiday happen for us, despite promising one since Nov last year).
I just don't know what to do as we now have a four month old and when my partner lets me down, I feel sad and it's hard to bring the smiles out for our baby...I find myself smiling through tears. This happens nearly every weekend. Then I pull myself together and get on with the week. Things are generally okay again during the week. It seems like we row on Fri/Sat spend the day apart, make up on Sun and are fine for a few days before something else goes wrong.
If I end the relationship I will become a single parent and all that comes with it...lonliness, council house - if I'm lucky, back to work, difficult times. But then perhaps I'll be free to find something better. At the moment, I'm in a relationship but lonely. I've tried and tried to make him realise how I feel, what I need and every time he appears to understand and promises to think more next time. But it doesn't happen. Please can you give me some advice on what do do. Many thanks.
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Hello Future Fears
It is horrid to be lonely in a relationship and this can happen for many reasons. Sparkling lime has asked you about post natal depression and that is worth thinking about.
However, I want to concentrate on the patterns you have identified in your relationships. You say that previously you have been involved with deceit, insecurity and excitement. It is natural that you were then attracted to someone who could give you that security. The trouble is that it all feels rather "plodding" in comparison to the passion of your former liaisons. This will probably feel worse since the baby was born because your situation feels more "trapped" and you are looking to your partner to make things right and help you feel more fulfilled. Does that sound right?
In return he struggles to come up to the mark. He looks for a holiday, but only after a row, so that spoils it for you, wouldn't it have been great if that was his idea? You get through the week because he is at work etc and then the weekend comes, the time when you would in the past have expected to be doing exciting things, letting your hair down, partying etc. Instead you feel stuck with a dull life and a dull situation. You try to make it better but it is extremely frustrating because he just doesn't "get" you.
There are two problems here really. The first is that it is unlikely he will change. He probably doesn't understand what he is "doing wrong". And in one sense it IS a choice to be made when we select a partner: do we go for safe and boring, or exciting and insecure.....Ok it is not as black and white as that but that is something you need to think about.
The second problem is that you are wanting someone else to make you feel Ok and to solve things. They can't. Only when you are happy and fulfilled in yourself will you be able to find that great relationship, and yes, they are out there. Please do not take this as a criticism; it is one of the most common things that people do, especially women. Often it can come from self esteem issues or from the way we have been brought up, either in relation to our families or our culture. Please, please order and read this book which is an absolute goldmine in helping people understand their emotional programming.
Ok so down to practicalities. I wonder if it would help you feel a little more in control is you were to undertake some research as to what being a single parent would involve....then at least you would know that your choice was an informed one? What do you think?
Great post Louise!
Hi Future Fears, I agree with Louise and I have found for myself, until you feel OK with yourself, can you feel good with anyone else. You may find once you work on yourself, do things that you want to do and fulfil your life, you can recognise that he is very valuable to both you and your daughter.
Or you may find that actually he is not the person you want in your life.
Single parenthood is a struggle, it doesn't have to mean loneliness and it doesn't always mean council house either. It is hard, but also very rewarding.
Your partner is offering you support, consistency, love and security, however you feel you need something more/else. Do you think he is happy?
Have a look at this from the Couple Connection (click on the bold).
Hi
It's a difficult situation to be in, as only you can make such a decision.
What extras do you want from this relationship? It sounds as if he is providing for you and your baby. It also sounds that he is listening to you too, by trying to find a holiday for you all...
I think another thing to ask is there better out there? I don't believe there is. Sometimes a way forward is trying to come up with ways of coping and accepting how things are, and finding a way to brighten up the day - even throwing youself into his arms when he walks through the door.
Men don't always think...
Do you think possibly you have post natal depression? I just wonder if it is worth having a chat with your GP, practice nurse or health visitor.
I do know where you're coming from when you say you feel lonely within a relationship as I had a marriage like that. However, things did happen where I feel I had no option but to leave.
I'm sorry that I have no answers for you.
My best wishes.