Pain in the bum teenage girl!
Hello to all,
this is my first thread as I've just joined, I know hurray for me right! :)
I will not bore you all with in complex details of my home life, i'll just give some bullet points.
Living under same roof as 13yr old girl
Parents divorcing currently
Father not interested in seeing his child
Mother way too soft 13yr old has awful manners
Has no understanding of how to communicate
Has
appauling personal hygene habits (not her own clenliness of herself)
but rather seems that she would be quite content to wash clothes and or
dishes only when she had run out. doesn't seem to notice that she has
spilt cereal and milk all over the kitchen surfaces when she got her
self breakfast (OR DOESN'T CARE).
I feel like I am constantly cleaning up after her.
Whenever she is 'asked' and I do mean 'asked'
to do some simple task to help around the house like load the
dishwasher or put some wahing in the line etc 5-10 minute job anybody
would think that she had just been asked to donate a kidney!
I'm sick of the way she is behaving, the way I see her speak to her mother and frankly getting sick of the sight of her myself.
I have tried to give her the respect and talk to her as a young
adult, giving her an oppurtunity to talk, to help to find solution to
various problems.
I have tried asking again and again, the result of which is increased
friction becuase she feels I'm nagging and I feel she's taking the P***
and ignoring what I feel are perfectly reasonable requests.
I'm at the stage now of just giving up, its easier to just do her
chores myself, not speak to her and just not engage with her at all.
I find its easier to just do the work myself rather than the amount of energy expended to coax her into helping.
I cannot understand why she does not see for herself that Her mother
and I are both working full time, feeding, clothing and supporting her
and yet she seems to have no desire to help whatsoever! even even seems
offended when we dare ask her to do anything!
Right now i'm at the point of giving up with her, doing the jobs myself and have as little to do with her as possible.
I'm sure in my heart that this is not the answer but i've run out of idea and patience
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Hi and welcome!
Sparkling is right, perseverance is the only way!
You just have to 'love them through their teenage years' as my mother says.
I have four children, three still at home - the youngest is a 13 year old girl. Her and No3 son leave utter chaos in their wake and I have decided not to let it bother me anymore or I will despair. It will pass! No1 son (who has moved out) and No2 son (who's 16 1/2) are proof - I was moaning about the latter on here until the summer was over and he seems to have switched to - relatively - reasonable.
A friendly 'please pick this up/put the dishes away/clean up after yourself' usually results in an equally friendly 'yes mum' with no action being taken. I believe that this is not intentional and they really mean to pick up etc. they just forget they've agreed to do it (Teenage brains are in the process of rewiring. They can't help it!).
Nagging, of course, gets me stroppy or shouty replies. Depending on my or their stamina on the day one of us wins and the other does the job.
I reckon you have just a normal teenage girl on your hands with the added complication of a parents split-up. Of course that doesn't mean she should get away with it, and especially she should show you and her mum respect.
Sorry I can't be of much help, but I do sympathise!
Gosh yes, I forgot, always say please and thank you. That really does matter.
Hi DavidB Uk
Whilst I totally agree with what the others have said, the fact is that you need to co-operation of her mum to have meetings/draw up contracts and I believe that there is the key to the solution, you need to get her mum on board first and I suggest you have a very frank discussion about this, when the girl is out of the way, and agree on a joint strategy. One of your greatest strengths will be in solidarity; teenagers are experts are playing parents off against each other
Do you think her mum will be prepared to do this?
Hi DavidB Uk
Whilst I totally agree with what the others have said, the fact is that you need to co-operation of her mum to have meetings/draw up contracts and I believe that there is the key to the solution, you need to get her mum on board first and I suggest you have a very frank discussion about this, when the girl is out of the way, and agree on a joint strategy. One of your greatest strengths will be in solidarity; teenagers are experts are playing parents off against each other
Do you think her mum will be prepared to do this?
Thank you everybody,
Some brilliant suggestions.
However I realise that perhaps I wasn't clear enough about the relationship and how this situation has come about. I didn't think it was all that relevant but now I see that actually it is.
The teenager is my sister (same mother different father).
I recently sold a business in the UK and moved to France to support my mother financially, emotionally and generally around the house etc whilst working from home on a new project ready for when I return to the UK in the spring.
The teenager has grown up effectively as an only child, from my parents first marriage there were three children, me, my brother and my other sister, the youngest of which was 17 when my mother's new marriage resulted in a baby girl (ahh, she was so cute at that age) why cant they just jump from 9-19???
so although she is not an only child she has been brought up as one because there is such a big age gap, and by the time she was born all of her siblings had moved out.
My Mother, Ex husband and baby sister (now teenager) moved to France
in 2004 as a result of the distance as well as numerous other things in my personal life baby sis and I have never really had a particularly close relationship. Simply because we haven't been around one another enough to create that kind of bond.
My mother is playing piggy in the middle, agrees with me that she should want to wash up etc etc but is so soft with her that she emulates the behaviour of a spoilt brat.
And often I find it offensive to listen to the way the teenager addresses our mother.
I have been here for little over three months now and have tried all-sorts of ways to try to bring her onside, but all road lead back to me nagging her, which I hate doing.
I am at home all day (working on computer mostly) but i also make sure that home is tidy, fresh food is prepared etc. For me its kind of a strange role. I'm sort of playing surrogate house husband I suppose.
Rather a unique position.
She (the teenager) has been through a lot, but has put a wall up around herself (to protect herself from being hurt) so she will not allow anybody to help her. The ludicrous thing is that this will become a self fulfilling prophecy which results in her alienating everybody around her and she feels even more rejected.
She moans about not having friends at school yet if she is as kurt and offhand with her peers as she is at home its hardly surprising!
The frustrating thing is that I know how she can make some changes to help her in a number of areas of her life but how do you help somebody that won't accept help and won't even watch/read anything that could help her.
I don't know what to do.
My mother was seriously ill 2 years ago (mainly through stress from the Ex) and the teenager was ready to drop out of school and look after mum full time. so I know that she has a good heart underneath all.
The father btw, does want to see her (lives 3 miles away) hasn't seen her in a year and so the teenager doesn't want to see him either.
Although you might guess that my opinion of my mother's Ex is somewhat jaded to say the least (and you'd be right) he really is a piece of work and she is better of without him. If anybody thinks that harsh I will gladly reel off a list of reasons why, such as the fact the he poured paint thinners all over himself and tried to set fire to himself in front my mother with my sister in the house (no really) I was over visiting at the time for my mother's birthday and witnessed the whole thing. And my mother with a heart of gold has the curse of seeing the best in people even when (in his case) it isn't there took him back! acquiescing to his line of "i'm ill I need help, marriage is in sickness and in health"
and the list goes on...
I am not one for bad mouthing people at all, I too try to see the best in people and believe all people to have goodness in them. but in his case ...
Oh dear, sorry about that peeps, I appear to have gone off on a little bit of a rant there!
Thank you for the support and suggestions.
Hello DavidB.UK
You keep calling your sister 'the teenager' is this because you are angry with her, or do you not feel any sort of sibling affection with her?
It sounds as though she has experienced some hellish times, it sounds as though her father has been abusive and she has witnessed this perhaps on more than one occassio. Sshe may feel that her mum is weak for putting up with her dad, she may be feeling abandoned by her dad, she may feel very lonely and isolated and she may well be feeing very angry at the unfairness of life and on top of all this, she is a teenager.
It is for her mum to rein her in and expect her to do chores, you can't be a father and a brother. I see your role as an older brother is to spend quality time with her, like her, make her feel important, likeable, funny, interesting. Just hang out with her. She obviously has quite low self esteem.
I understand though if you are working from home then her behaviour must be so frustrating, but until respect is earned on either side, then you won't get anywhere.
How about talking with your mum some more, perhaps point her to this forum where we can support her, show her our articles on Communicating with your teen, Lazy teen and how to do a Family Contract.
Just don't give up on her, she needs someone in her corner.
Ah...
My brother is 13 years older than me, and left home for Uni before I was 5.
I have always looked up to him as most of the time I spent my life missing him.
Do you feel in anyway that you could be a big brother to your sister? It could be that if you're able to (and I understand your frustrations with the way she behaves) it might somehow work things better.
Perhaps you could get her to peel the spuds while you peel the carrots. Stupid, silly little things to change your role to that of a sibling.
And somehow, if you can, bring some laughter into the home - we have Glee on a lot **sigh** but at one time it was The Killers. It seemed to lighten the mood.
Also, can I say be kind to you? You have taken so much on here to help your Mum.
Hey Dave,
never mind the rant, it's probably done you good! Wow, you've taken on rather a lot, haven't you?
Do you think your little sister would take it in, if you wrote to her and explained to her your worries in a kind of non-judgmental way? And I think the others are right, you need to be the big brother, not the parent.
Having said that - I understand your situation. The gap between my oldest and the next one down is 6 years and I practically had an only child first and three others later. And since my husband's death I have sometimes put on him the 'father'talks. He is cool though, and I don't know what he says to them, but they seem to listen and all love it when he comes to visit and make an effort to be home.
Does she have any other interests you could get involved in? And I also agree with sparkling re the laughter front. If you catch the right moment and later tell her how much you enjoyed that, it will make her feel wanted and loved. 
Just my thoughts....
Thank you everybody,
some good advice indeed.
The teenager was simply a term to differenciate from my younger sister (29 and youngest from original marriage) and the teenage sister.
I feel I can't help but bear a degree of ill will toward her owingto her behavior and seeming total lack of respect for the way she speaks to my mother at at times.
Yes i'm in my 30's and consequently I am old enough to be her father, but i'm not! Point taken.
Perhaps I have been approaching this from the wrong angle entirely.
Does anybody else have experience with teenagers who's only interest is japanese cartoons???
she could benefit greatly from spending time with
a friend of my mother's who is an incredibly gifted therapist with more
letters after her name than there are in the alphabet but. she won't
go.
My mother tried that with her and my sister just clammed up and says that she feel uncomfortable talking about herself.
We might have had a breakthrough...
we might have had a break through last night though...?
Some harsh words exchanged and some home truths expressed.
If one can remain objective rather than emotional its amazing how
constructive an argument can be, I would much rather have a conversation
but the art of conversation is something teenagers seem to forget how
to utilise until they are 16+
You are certainly right there, David!!!
Yes she has been through a lot but she is milking it for all it's worth.
her favourite phrase of late is "well... I'm a teenager"
Yes mum has been soft on her, without going into detail her Ex was a real piece of work quite apart from being psychologically abusive he didn't work in the 15yrs they were together whilst mum was working full time, he wouldn't cook, clean, wash clothes, cut wood for the stove (sounds like little house on the prarie lol)
He did nothing virtually and my mother did everything and i feel that my sister has grown up seeing (and consequently believing) this to be the status quo. eg. mum is a frikkin' doormat. The sad thing is that although my sister has now woken up to the fact that her father is a piece of work I see more of him on her than I do our mother. (hope that makes sense).
Thanks again for the support peeps.
I'm sort of wondering how "ignore" would work... Perhaps too much attention is being paid to her behaviour?
Ignoring her could be effective - it works quite well with my lot as they hate it when I ignore them.
I'm glad some home truths have come out though.
Does she draw the cartoons? My daughter is 17 and was drawing all the pokemon charcters the other evening. We don't watch them though.
Well, We might have had some progress and I dare to say it looks like it may last.
I tried changing my approach and being a big brother rather than being a parent which (given the age difference and situation) I fell into by default in some ways.
Gave her a week to do XYZ without being asked and then wehn she had failed to stick to it. things changed from a 'its your responsibility to ensure XYZ is taken care of' to you now MUST do XYZ as soon as you get home, before computer games, videos or internet anything.
She moaned (as one might well expect) but has agreed that she has not done as she said she would and I think has now realised that there are going to be consequences.
Its not all doom and gloom though, I have also been working hard to foster some common ground whether that is having her help me to cook (which she enjoys) or taking some time off my own work to sit and watch a movie with her.
She seems to have perked up immensely with just a couple of tweaks.
Thank you everybody, Fingers crossed...
Yes she does draw the cartoons, which is wholey encouraged, the only thing that can be a pain is that she also is very find of using a certain drawing program which has only been installed on my mums machine. so inspite of having her own machine (albeit an old and rather slow performance computer) my sister is regularly monopolising mum's machine.
But nevertheless it looks like progress is being made now.
That is absolutely brilliant DavidB. I feel so much for you and all you've had to deal with.
My fingers are crossed that things continue to move forward. I'm glad she seems happier too.
Keep posting though, as I've been wondering how things have been for you.
Best wishes.
Hi DavidB UK
That sounds fantastic! Don't be discouraged if it is two steps forward and one step back, that is the way with teenagers and the main thing is it sounds as if you have found a way of talking to her that she will actually listen to!
Brilliant! Sometimes you see little results that can really lift you straight away! Keep up the good work!
Hi David
Lol I love the title for your posts! I just read through and can see there are some complications and good on you for persevering and trying new strategies. I am a lone parent with a 13 year and 15 year old both girls. Its hard work at times and it can get very frustrating. Some days my girls help around the home with out me nagging, i call them my miracle days.
I was interested in your post as i have also gone through 3 domestic violent situations and my last partner poured petrol over himself with a lighter in his hand. I got rid of him and pressed charges. Sounds like your mum has had similar experiences! This can have a knock on effect when parenting and this is why i think she has not been on it with regards to your sister. My last relationship caused me to go through a breakdown in which i wouldnt go out, cook, or any thing. I stayed in bed for weeks, it was a real bad time and i cant even fully remember all of it. Fortunately i had a good friend who would bring food for me and my girls. I am opening out to you about this to highlight how damaging unhealthy relationships can be and the impact it can have on ones self esteem and drive for life.
My girls are very into art and i encourage and give them positive feedback, its good she has something she enjoys. My daughters have good social lives and friends. This seems to be missing with your sister. Do you know why? You mention she has no friends at school, this saddens me as i feel this is an area that needs exploring. Perhaps getting her involved with other activities outside of school to meet other teenagers.
I am no expert but i would say if she hasnt many friends she is no doubt unhappy and this could be why she is not co operating with things around the home. Also, if your mum was stressed with the ex. She may have got neglected as mums energy and time was spent with him.
I hope this helps and i definitely think she needs some fun in her life, may be you could treat her to the cinema as a reward for her x, y and z.
Its never easy, you do need to bring humour into situations and you have to build that rapport with her, have some fun and then try housework. Your relationship may take time but i think you will definitely be a positive much needed person in her life.
Hi
I'm taking it that this is your step-daughter?
At 13 she isn't going to be offering to do anything, and certainly won't see it as her place to help.
I have four children, youngest is 12, and yes, I know where you're coming from when you say that the reaction is as if you've asked her to doneate a kidney.
Nagging and telling is the only way to get things done. Mind you, I do tell them to do things rather than ask. Often, 'load the dishwasher please before you start to watch tele' can be pretty effective.
But don't give up with her. She's too young to be given up on.
Sit around the table and come up with a family contract. Both you and her mother have to be consistent though.
Not a lot you can do with the attitude, however, other than making sure you point out that you expect to be spoken to in a respected way.