My husband/partner left me, but I still love him.

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Anna
Parenting specialist
DoppleMe

Hi there

I have started this topic as it seems to be relevant at the moment.

It seems that although our ex husband/partner has cheated, disrespected, humiliated us and broken all our dreams our heart still yearns for him.

Our friends tell us we should get over it, move on, he doesn't deserve your time of day etc etc, but still you wish for him to turn up and turn back time.

Why do we still want him back? Is there any way forward? How do we get there? Are we being honest with ourselves? Are we showing ourselves the respect we deserve?

Please join in here :)

 

Posted on: March 19, 2010 - 1:36pm
Eeyore73

Hi Anna,

I think our hearts still yearn for them, as they gave us our children. If we hadn't of met them then we wouldn't have our beautiful kids. Well thats what I am telling myself is the reason for still loving him.  Hoping as the kids grow that I also learn to grow and not have the longing feeling for him like I do now.

Mx

Posted on: March 19, 2010 - 3:29pm
Anna
Parenting specialist
DoppleMe

Hi Eeyore 73

I think on some days when we are feeling a little stronger than others, perhaps when things are going well for a few hours, we realise that we have been betrayed and that they let us down and know that the future is better without them in it.

However, when we do long for them, that is normal, but we must remember it is the fantasy/lost dreams that we pine for, not the cheating liar.

Posted on: March 19, 2010 - 3:59pm
Louise
Parenting specialist
DoppleMe

Hello Eeyore

You're right, and it is never easy.

it would also be great to hear on this thread from dads who have been betrayed by their partners too and maybe we can all help each other through.

Posted on: March 19, 2010 - 9:27pm
surplus to requ...

 Hi M and Anna

i know why i still long for my husband its because he is all i have ever known.We met at 18 married at 19 had our first son at 21.I have grown up with this man and even though he let me down repeatedly he is all i ever wanted physically and mentally everything about him was so attractive to me...funnily enough now he has become a fat over weight bloated shadow of himself with an attitude of a pretentious prat.And oh did i smile when i discovered the last woman he fancied a bit of told him (eventually) he was over stepping the mark and his behaviour was unacceptable-i found out about her in an email in Novemeber where he told her he loved her and apparently that was the email that ended their little flirting sessions,and still i was prepared to "make things better". Didnt stop him leaving me though!!!

M your right it would be great to hear a blokes prespective on their stories...thats the great thing about this site we all have our own story to tell.

My night out was fine but not as fun as i had hoped,we went to clubs and pubs that werent my scene-bikers and rock clubs!!...i will try again next week with my other friend but stick to the place that we know and can relax in. who knew being on the single scene would prove to be such a trial of tribulations!

Hope you all have at least a few smiles this weekend

K x          

Posted on: March 20, 2010 - 3:07pm
Louise
Parenting specialist
DoppleMe

Oh well it is still nice to get out and about, you have to try all sorts till you find what suits you, surplus.  What are you up to for the rest of the weekend?

 

Posted on: March 20, 2010 - 6:54pm
Eeyore73

Hi K,

I agree with the growing with them, I was 19 when we met, probably still a bit naive, he was 27, and we did do alot of growing together, I have noticed in the last few weeks that he is now looking his age (45) which he never really did before.  He was the love of my life, and everything felt natural and right with him.

Survived the first night all on my own, dropped the kids off this morning when I was with a neighbour didnt even say they were home. Have a night out planned for next week, first single night out in 18 years, shame everyone else is married!!  Had a great day of baking brownies and seeing an old friend.

Hope everyone is enjoying their weekends.

Mx

Posted on: March 20, 2010 - 8:26pm
surplus to requ...

Hi M and Louise 

If i told you how the rest of my weekend panned out you just wouldnt believe me,its been surreal to the point of ridiculous lol. Lets just say there are men out there with strange ideas of how to woo a woman!!

I had a good cleansing cry tonight (again lol) when my husband called to talk to me tonight...i cant handle him being nice to me, at least when he's nasty and shouting i know precisely what he's thinking. His voice still makes me go weak at the knees, damn man what an ass. 

He asked how my night out went and did i get any attention...yes loads, all of which i didnt want cos all i could think of was him. Why was he surprised to hear that i've removed my engagement and wedding rings when he told me he was no longer in love with me and we should move on!?  His advice to me after hearing i was getting attention was to stay safe and not get into anything i couldnt handle...if you hadnt left me i wouldnt be in this awful situation is what i wanted to shout, of course i couldnt because i was too choked up!!

Brownies,goodness cant remember the last time i baked them, yum. Why did your eSTRANGEd husband just turn up and drop the kids off without telling you they were back? how irresponsible, men are such thoughtless individuals.

I'm so glad you have looked at your eSTRANGEd and thought along the same lines as myself, i was hoping it wasn't the bitter nasty side of me shining through again...been doing that more regular than ever these days. Especially when i packed all his clothes up into black bin bags and threw them in a cupboard for him to decide what to do with them on his return from working away. How did your packing go did you manage to do it without many tears? 

I need to ask an awkward question thats been bothering me for sometime and i think its becoming an obsession with me...when your out and you see people, men and woman, around your age (im 38) do you look at their left hand and seek out if they have a weddding band on it? god i find myself doing this all the time,ridiculous! I hurt knowing that other people ars still married and possibly happy!! im turning into some kind of nut job lol i'll be sectioned soon i think.

I'm not going to lie to you your night out is going to be tough especially if your friends are all "happily" married-are they all really,deep down we never know what goes on between man and wife behind closed doors! but do you know something its a start to somewhere new and nothing new is easy to begin with. I go out at least every other Friday night with a friend of mine who is also single, we arent close friends but going out with her gets me over the door and we have a laugh, ok i lie laugh is probably too strong a word for it but we certainly share a giggle :oD. You'll do good girl, just paint that smile on and hide behind it if you have to and get on with it. i'll be cheering you on.      

Where are you from M? im in Scotland near to Glasgow.

heres to a good week,fingers crossed ;o)

K x         

 

Posted on: March 21, 2010 - 10:04pm
Louise
Parenting specialist
DoppleMe

Hello surplus

Yes I think a lot of people look at the third finger left hand! although do not be deceived that people are "happily" married. Many of them are unhappy and can't find the strength to leave.

I won't be too nosy about your night out then, lol!

Your former partner's voice and calls may have an effect on you for a long time. In a sense it is torture because you can't quite resist. As for him asking about whether you got any male attention, sorry but my reaction was NONE OF HIS BUSINESS! am I very harsh? sorry if so.

Hope your week ahead will go well.

Posted on: March 21, 2010 - 11:17pm
Eeyore73

Hi K,

Glad you got some attention on your night out even if you weren't up for it.  Well my weekend was yuck.  Had a friend over with her twins which was great, but I felt so lonely, even when company was around. 

I also look at the finger to see if there are any rings, but the ex told me if we ever got married he would not wear a ring.  I phoned my daughter to say that when they got back I would be next door, he didn't have to come round just ring or text to say he had dropped them off (arse!!) He was off to watch a rugby match and get drunk - or so he said!! Turned up late to pick them up Sunday, he just stands in the doorway which really annoys me, when he did sit down I asked if he had hurt his back again, but it was his neck, shame it wasnt from a voodoo doll!! LOL.  He still can't talk to me face to face - shame, guilt, reliasation of how stupid he was who knows, but just like you K, when he phones he is just like when we first met, and its so hard to control the tears. 

The night out will be tough, as the friends I am out with are all happily married, but I am surprised at how many people are saying they are splitting up with their other halfs or how unhappy they are!!  Must be something in the water.  I am looking forward to it, not going out for any attention (at the moment, would be nice though), I never really went out with he was at home.  You know how you do for the first few years, then along come the kids, stay at home mum, then the last few years I have grown, made friends got a job, so not reliant on him for money, which is one of the reasons, I think he said he felt neglected!?

I am now in week 6, and just want to get everything sorted, his clothes are still in the wardrobe, I started then thought I am sorting things out for him again, so just dumped what I had done in a bag. Got to be strong and do it, as I am sure its a way of keeping the door open. Will do it this week and leave in the garage, or in with the rabbits.

I am 37, but still feel 20 inside, from Tiverton in Devon.  Always on facebook, and here since I found the site.

Hope you all have a good week.

Mx

Posted on: March 22, 2010 - 10:57am
surplus to requ...

Hi M

I must set up a Facebook account but dont know that many people to add to my contacts list. I'll let you know when im up and running and maybe you can look me up and say hi.

Week 6 for you and week 10 for me. I think week 6 for me was filled with anger and i was full of fight.Its only now ive become down trodden and want this all to end and go back to life as i knew it when i felt in control. Do you want to go back or do you want to go forward without him in your life? 

We'll I hope your day is going better than mine!! What is wrong with me!!!!! Im crying at the drop of a hat. I was walking round Sainsburys doing the boring weekly food shop and passed some items my husband likes and that was me off again,glassy eyed round Sainsburys how pathetic. It started this morning when i went to see my dr for some routine blood tests, he knows about everything thats been going on and innocently asked how things were. BIG mistake, that was me unable to speak cos i was so choked and determind not to let the tears spill over. He told me off for suppressing my tears and told me im grieving and that the mind and heart needs to grieve properly to be able to get through the days ahead...told my sister and she said "but all you do is bloody cry!!!!!" thanx sis kick me when im down why dont you...So now im upset at the fact i know everyone is sick of hearing about my feelings. I suppose its to be expected after all they have their own lives and problems but now i feel even more alone and have decided to keep everything to myself instead of txting my best friend and sister,its usually these 2 i annoy with my txts and tears.

So glad that im "normal" on the wedding ring issue I just want to STOP doing it now.I know a lot of these people probably arent happy but i'd rather still be wearing mine and feel part of a couple.

Aaaarrgghhh why do we still love these men when we were/are treated so deplorable and why does the heart not agree with what our minds are telling us. I dont think i have ever felt so much pain in all my life but where does this pain come from if everything about us is just a chemical reaction.

Your right about hearing about lots of people splitting up and they all seem to be from long term marriages or relationships. And its been all the men that have made the move leaving all us ladies to get on with it.

Im not ready to move on yet i still have a little bit of hope that im hanging on to...yes i know i need a slap after 14 years of affairs with 5 women that he's admitted to, even though im sure there is more, and still i pine for this man with all the fibres in me. I cant imagine wanting to kiss someone else never mind bumping uglies..what about you can you see yourself with someone else in the near future? Dont get me wrong i dont want (plan) to be on my own for the rest of my life i definitely need to be part of a couple to function correctly..i am a woman who needs to be loved and wanted. Just another ridiculous part of being me!!!          

im off to make the boys their tea...oh thats another point are you managing to eat? i havent been a big eater for a few years since he started to work away for months at a time, but now i can go all day without a proper meal for days on end. My weight fluctuates from 8st 2ib to 8st 8ib im 8st 6ib today not great considering im 5ft 6in and dress size 8 dropping to 6 at the lowest weight.

cheers for now Kx :o)  

Posted on: March 22, 2010 - 5:45pm
surplus to requ...

Hi Louise

Your right im sure not all of these people wearing wedding rings can be happily married but is it a strength to leave or is it more of a strength to walk away and leave a trail of distruction in your path...im the wrong person to judge having recently been the one left behind after giving 18 years to my husband..for me it would have shown more strength for him to work through his problems with my help but that could be the selfish side to me talking now, i just know i dont have the strength  in me to have ever left him even though i had good cause to,my weakness obviously!!

No your not harsh saying it was none of his business,i fully agree with you. However part of me wanted to make him jealous and hurt, turning him all caveman and to make him think about it and realise he doesnt want someone else to have me...obviously it didnt happen as all he said was i've just to be careful and not take any risks!!!

my week is rubbish so far holding out hope for the rest of it.

take care Kx      

Posted on: March 22, 2010 - 5:57pm
Eeyore73

Hi K,

I am still at the crying for no reason stage as well.  Was sat watching the Boyzone tribute on TV last night and just sat here crying.  I don't know if I was lucky, I made him tell me he was having an affair, 4 weeks after it happened, so I haven't had to put up with it for any length of time. When I found out I did the please don't leave me, I can't live without you, what about the kids.  That lasted for a day.  Then I got onto why, whats wrong with me, what did I do, must be something wrong with me for about 2 weeks, still have this now. An unsupporting Mum (200 miles away) who keeps saying its my fault!!. If he had come to me 2 weeks after admitting it, I would have taken him back, but now I just think he is not the man I fell in love with, and he has done and said things that make me think I didn't know him at all.  Now I know that I can raise the kids well on my own, the only thing I do crave for is financial securement which you get when there is 2 wages, and some moral support, most of all I really long for it some strong arms just to give me a cuddle when everything seems to be getting me down.  Kids will but its not the same as having an embrace!

I don't know where the pain comes from, its not the same pain as when you lose a parent, for me it felt a whole lot worse. He was the man I saw in my future forever.  I cried yesterday in Tesco, when I saw an old couple walking hand in hand.  I think I have come to the realisation that he still is going to be in my future, but not with me. I think we hurt the most because we know they no longer want us!! I do want to move forward, met someone new and enjoy my life again.  Sounds strange I want him to feal jealous, I not jealous of the bint hes gone off with, I just want him to know that someone else wants me.  Think that that will make them realise what they have given up.

Unfortunately for me I am blessed with a fuller figure, but since he left my appetite has gone, not a big eater before, just unlucky, but now I eat and feel sick, so eat a lot less.  Has given me the kick I needed to lose some weight.

Have to go now as youngest wants the laptop.  Take care, let me know when you have taken the plunge with facebook.

Mx

Posted on: March 22, 2010 - 7:52pm
Eeyore73

why do they have to so pleasant on the phone, like nothing has happened, but they can't talk to you face to face. Ex has just phoned, so nice - just makes me want to cry.  Thought I had got over this, did say that I wanted to be friends, makes it easier with the kids I suppose.

Would they be feeling like this if we were unfaithful and decided to leave.  Would they spend hours crying, the tinest thing setting them off. My ex has shown no emotion what so ever since he told me, they switch off their feelings like a switch. 

Sorry mini rant over. M

Posted on: March 22, 2010 - 9:27pm
surplus to requ...

M

Reading the fact that you cried as well while doing a shop made me fill up again..i feel and understand your pain so much.

I cant understand why your mother would say any of this is your fault!! what is all that about? I never told my parents for nearly 2 months. I only told my sister and my best friend when it all started to happen. My eldest son is 16 so i told him, there was no way i could hide it from him,he's old enough to hear and understand the arguements. My youngest (10) has only just realized that i didnt leave his dad and it was the other way about. He is devastated and has broke down a few times in school. The school have been very supportive but i made his dad call him and explain none of this was my fault. I have only recently started to tell everyone.I was ashamed and felt a failure thinking it was my fault that i couldnt make my marriage work. Ive been to 6 hourly sessions of counselling and know the theory but its keeping the momentum going and putting it all into practice, now that is the tough bit.

I think im in such a state at the minute because he is due to fly back in to the country at the beginning of April for a month.This will be the first face to face contact we will have had since he flew out to work in January. I know i'll be left after the end of his month with all the emotional heartache all over again for another few months, not just mine but the boys as well. He's not staying here with us in the family home he'll go to either his mate's flat or a hotel but i know i will have to see him when he comes over. He has no-one in Glasgow that he is close to other than my family and he's burnt his bridges with all of them. How the hell do i deal with this? I have booked a session to see my counsellor on Thursday just to give me a top up. I dont want to make a fool of myself when he's back by begging him to come back to me, thats not what i want to do, that would just be too demoralising. If he ever comes back it has to be because he wanted to not because he felt sorry for me, he would have to beg me as well and prove somehow that he's changed...its never going to happen he loves his job and single life out at work too much, more than his family life. 

I dont think your unfortunate to be blessed with the fuller figure, i would love some curves in the right places its much sexier than looking like a stick insect or an 11 year old school boy. So just think sexy and attractive when your out this weekend. I cant wait to hear how it goes for you.

I wish i was more like you and i wasnt jealous but i am. I cant bear to think of what he's up to while he's having his single life...probably much the same actually to the life he lead as a married father of 2 i suppose if im honest about it lol...he works in a dangerous country and i have to admit i have been wishing for the most awful things to happen to him,not for him to be killed, that would be too easy! i want him to be injured, suffer and be in immense pain...thats sad and sick isnt it and i should be ashamed of myself, i know that but i cant help it :o(.

I know what you mean about the hugs. I've always been a cuddly  person so yes i long for those embraces as well. The way i get round it is to turn a pillow long ways in my bed and hold that tight against me,its not the same but it can be a good substitute in times of need.

How are your kids coping with it all? what ages are they? Mine refuse to talk to their dad on the phone most times he calls. I know it bothers him but im not forcing them to do something they dont want to do just to ease his guilt. He asked me if he should txt them instead!! I said it was up to him but not to always expect replies! The eldest doesnt reply to anyone including me unless he's after something lol and the youngest plays the games on his mobile and thats about it,his dad asked me if i could teach him how to txt, so once again he wants me to do some damage limitation because he needs my help to stay in touch with his children.

I cant do the facebook thing! I went in and reactivated an account i had set up ages ago and never used. I did a search and my husband's profile came up with a picture of him looking happy at work and it was like a knife in my chest and i know if i have an active account i will be too tempted to add him to my contacts and that would just be more daily torture for me.

right enough babbling from me, god it feels good to off load to someone who is going through what you are and share each others pain of the day.

take care Kx               

Posted on: March 22, 2010 - 10:24pm
surplus to requ...

Hey rant away M its acceptable. The phone is their safety blanket cos if you hang up on them then your to blame but if you hang on and listen to them then you get hurt all over again..6 weeks is way too early to be over the crying on the phone thing,im still doing it during every call he makes..Friends is rubbish its not going to work that way for a long time,if ever. Funnily enough my husband wants to be best friends as well...that tip must come in some kind of 10 ways to separate from your wife/partner and feel good about yourself guide that men must get issued in some gents toilet or something. i've told mine there is no way we can be friends i want it all or nothing at all,this friends talk is to make their lives easier,why should theirs be easier than ours?

Have a good cry and get it out your system, have a cuppa and breath really deeply in and out of your nose it does calm you down,honestly it does.

Men are different from us totally, their feelings are either selfish or angry where as we are born to care and nurture.

Hang in there M only a wee while till bed time then cuddle that pillow like i suggested.

night night Kx 

Posted on: March 22, 2010 - 10:36pm
Eeyore73

Hi K,

I cry over everything at the mo, no loo rolls, odd socks. Thing women are made to cry, helps us get rid of some of the pain.

My mum has never been supportive of me, I'm youngest of 6, when my relationship started she said it wouldnt last!! I was so glad that I proved her wrong and it was walking, until now.  I didnt tell her for 3 weeks, as I knew I would get the I told you so.  I also have thought about him suffering the pain we have gone through.  I even thought it would be easier if he was dead.  Financail easier anyway, and if they had died you would know that they loved you to the end. But I would hate the kids to be without their dad, even when he doesnt show much interest in them.  L (11) girl found it hard, they both knew on the day as I could hide it from them.  I think its finally sunk in hes not coming back. J (9) boy, the first 2 weeks, very angry, but now is ok.  They have their ups and down, but we do seem to be having a few more ups. 

I know how you feel about facebook, the ex is still on mine, and his new bint was on their as well.  He was receiving message from friends wishing him well, as he has no internet access at his mums, I got all the message, so one day I flipped, deleted the bint and put a message saying he chose to leave, and thanks for asking if me and the kids were ok, made me feel alot better.

It is good to get things off your chest.  Friends and family do get fed up of hearing how shit things are, so this site is brill.  Hope that you find the inner courage to reactivate your account and not add him as a friend, just remember all the pain he is causing you.

I have decided to tell myself that I am a good person, a good parent and I can be strong no matter what life throughs in my direction.  Sometimes is helps when other people tell you.

So to all you singles brilliant parents out there you are good people, parent and you can be strong.

Take care Mx

Posted on: March 22, 2010 - 11:01pm
Louise
Parenting specialist
DoppleMe

Hello Eeyore73 and surplus!

I just wanted to say that it is great that you are able to share your feelings and to support each other through this awful time in your lives. That is one really good thing about these boards.

It is very early days for you both and I think the crying at the drop of a hat is TOTALLY NORMAL. And boosting yourself by reminding yourself what a good and strong person you are, is a brilliant technique. It really is a day at a time right now and sparkling lime will tell you that each step, no matter how small a baby step, will get you on the right path.

Take care, both, and keep posting!

Posted on: March 23, 2010 - 8:54am
surplus to requ...

M

well its my turn to be on here sobbing and its only 9.10am,i've just done the school run! Mornings seem to be my worst time. I think its the thought of the new day stretched ahead of me,its like ground hog day..I have to admit this morning i was thinking there has to be an easier way out of all this pain, i'm fully insured and the house is covered with a lump sum to enable my husband to start a business of his own here at home..couldnt do anything, cant bear to hurt my boys anymore than they are already but can fully understand now why people do... its taken me 30 minutes to write that wee paragraph its now 9.40

I try to keep busy in fact i go out every day, i just hate being in the house on my own it holds too many memories and i have too much time to think. I do voluntary work for a families charity but im waiting on a new placement with them,so at a loose end the now. Im also waiting to go to college in August and re-train in a proper career not just a part time job like ive done in the past just to fill my days.I realise now unless im fullfilled and dedicated in something i enjoy i wont be happy, but in the mean time im floundering in that big sea of nothingness and my god is it lonely.

I have to get off this couch and get myself moving. I'm not this weak person ive always been strong and capable but i dont know where she's gone...how dare he obliterate my personality and turn me into a weak shadow of myself.

I'll email back later and reply to your message when ive pulled myself together...i just needed to get things out of my head.

fingers crossed your stronger today, that goes for everyone else reading this as well.

Kx             

Posted on: March 23, 2010 - 11:02am
Eeyore73

Hi K,

Wish I was able to give you a hug, but its going to be virtual only <<xx>>.  I also had the same thoughts, theres no future for me, kids would be better off etc, but then I thought about the kids, its not right that they have to grow up without a parent especially a mum.  These Dads seem to be able to walk and not worry about the mayhem they leave behind, distraught kids and our worlds totally destroyed. I think it gives them some power that they are able to make us feel this way. He doesnt like to see me crying well though you brought it on.

My job has helped me as I don't constantly think about things when I am here. Have you thought about seeing if there any vacancies at the local schools, as kids especially young ones are the best medicines, my neighbours kids 4 and 2 have made me laugh when I thought I wouldnt again.

Keep your chin up, I and everyone else on here are routing for you.

My day started with an arguement with Loz (11 full of hormones) and J getting upset. Things can only get better. 

K you are a strong person - fight back a little bit at a time, become a wonderful person that you were before them. In the end we will grow stronger, happier and hopefully find love again - hopefully that will then break their hearts and will feel how we did.  We dont deserve to be lied to and cheated on, and at the end of the day treated like a doormat.  WE DESERVE TO BE LOVED FOR WHO WE ARE!!

Take care, and hope things get easier during the day.

MX

Posted on: March 23, 2010 - 11:52am
surplus to requ...

M

Just a wee quick message. Oh thank you for your cyber hug...im on my way out to my best friend's house she always talks sense to me and refuses to listen to my drivel,hard to take sometimes but i know she is right and she does it for my own good.

I wanted to tell you about a really cool song that i'd heard a few time and didnt know who sang it,then my sister gave me a lone of her Alicia Keys new cd The Elements of Freedom and low and behold the song is on there its called Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart...if i could send you it in a link i would do so you can listen to it,not sure how i can do that on here or even if its possible!, maybe Louise or Anna could comment on that please. but try and get it on You Tube if you can, it says everything i want to tell my ass of a husband..i've made it my txt message ring tone...Also dont you think that new Boyzone song Gave It All Away is ideal for us to send to our asses? i know you watched them the other night,i had sky+ it and watched it last night. i've ordered the single of it from hmv and im going to burn it onto my laptop and forward it to his email for him to hear...he loves boy band music, very sad for a man of his age if you ask men!  

forget that ive managed to find them on you tube for you to listen to.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4lRbb6X7MVw Alicia Keys

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9n8fxrejX78  Boyzone

I will message you later hope you agree these songs are ideal ;o)

Kx

 

Posted on: March 23, 2010 - 12:32pm
surplus to requ...

Hi M

Well i sent "him" the link to the Boyzone song and guess what, he sent me an email saying he was Sorry but he wouldnt be listening to it as he doesnt need a song to reinforce what he has done! And do i seriously think he is numb to all of this, then he said my son's won't even talk to me!! (BOOHOO poor him eh!).. i bet he did listen to it though cos he would have been too curious not to lol.

Better afternoon for me.I had a wee cry in my friends house when his email arrived to my Black Berry. Bless her she made me disect everything i was worried about and we talked about him and what it was i was so upset about. Never really sorted anything out but it did rub my sore a little better.

Im sorry your mum is so harsh with you in her belief, nothing like kicking yo when your already down! ignore her you could make your marriage work it was him who couldnt...i learned that at counselling can you tell lol.

Sorry you had a set 2 with your little L this morning its funny how we all react differently i wish i was a child again a lot of the time the now and someone else will come along and fix it out for me.

Im going to try and do more voluntary work with the charity i mentioned,it will help towards my college courses anyway as thats the field i want to go into...fingers crossed just waiting on interview dates to come in now for placements.

How did the rest of your day pan out? hope your night goes ok. Im anticipating a call from "him" as he said the other day he would call me tonight but we'll see,after his email im not sure he will now or not. Oh and he hasnt txt our boys like he said he would , typical probably waiting on me txting him and saying yes he can....well im not so :op to him lol

im smiling! my god where did that come from lol Anyway im off to sort out some tea for the boys..chat to you later

Kx

  

Posted on: March 23, 2010 - 5:45pm
surplus to requ...

Louise

it is great just to post a message and clear my head and im so pleased M can understand where im coming from.

The crying might be totally normal but god its annoying..i try to boost myself by making myself dress nice everyday even when i dont want to,its a struggle but i do it.

A day at a time!! im taking it hourly these days. Im on such an emotional roller coaster through the day im mentally reaching for the sick bag!

Take Care Kx 

Posted on: March 23, 2010 - 5:50pm
Eeyore73

Hi K,

the begining of your reply made me laugh - sounds like to are get annoyed with him.  I also have felt this way on several occasions.  Glad your day got better and that your friend was there for you - it is so good to talk (or type) sometimes a different perspective on things makes you look at things differently.

I learnt over the years to ignore what my mum says to me, sometimes there is good advice, but mostly its not.  Just makes me more determined to be a better mum to my 2.  She never thought it would work, but I did manage 17 years.  At the end of the day he didnt want to make things work, even though I gave him the choice.  She tells me that I mustnt keep telling him what to do, if I dont then nothing will get done.  As it is hes dragging his feet over stuff.  Going up to Cheshire to see her for the Easter weekend so I know I am going to get days of well I TOLD YOU SO, just have to treat her like one of the kids when I dont want to hear something.

Had parents evening today.  First of the high school, EX wasnt interested so did it all alone like normal.  L is doing really well, even after the bombshell that was dropped.  Hope she can keep it up.  She has been so different again this afternoon, have had a long talk about how to get how she is feeling over with the shouting - hope she listened. She has some really nice teachers ;)

Quiet evening planned, possible do a sort out.  Hope you have a good evening.  Glad that you are able to smile, amazing how you feel, especially after days of crying.

Take care Mx

Posted on: March 23, 2010 - 7:20pm
surplus to requ...

Hi M

Im glad you had a wee laugh at my message, i was a little bit annoyed with him but mainly i just thought how pathetic he sounded in his email, he used the word SORRY 4 times in a 6 line email,oh how easy that word seems to comes to him, pity he doesnt know the meaning of it though.    

Ive got parents night tomorrow (wed). Im expecting to get the sympathetic voice...another one! My little one is a wee smarty pants but i know his heads not been with it for about a month so i'm expecting a dip in his class work, we'll get that back up though im sure of that.

Why are you putting yourself through the pain of going to your mothers for easter if you know what your going to get in return? you deserve some fun and enjoyment not more misery!!.Your certainly not alone in telling your other half what to do all the time, I did that as well and i'm sure thats what most marriages are like.I hear my friend talking to her husband and i have never spoke to my other half the way she talks to hers but he's still with her so i can assure you your not to blame for him leaving just because of your telling him what to do. They left us cos they are weak and they think their grass is greener over the other side,but the other saying is "better the devil you know" and trust me my other half wont get away with treating someone else the way he has me and im sure yours is the same.

Im taking my 2 away to Haven for 4 days over easter break.Its only about 20mins from our house but at least its away for a well needed break..Their dad is back when we are away so he will get that single life he craves so much while he's back in the country without anyone and just a hotel room for comfort,just the way he says he wants it.                                                                                 My sister and my 2 nieces are coming with us,its going to be mad lol her 2 and my 2 are really close in age 16&10 my boys and 15&10 my nieces. Hopefully we'll all survive it lol.         

Im watching Supersize v Superskinny on channel 4 and its making me hungry so im off to make a couple of bacon sandwiches and a cuppa coffee. 

hope your ok tonight...oh and i never got that promised phone call, i got a txt asking if the boys wanted to talk tonight but they didnt so he just said ok goodnight...spat his dummy i think ;o)

Kx 

Posted on: March 23, 2010 - 9:50pm
Eeyore73

Hi K,

They are pathetic!! Mine hasnt even said sorry for what he did - when he finally said he wasnt coming home it was I don't think, and then he started with we have had some good times (welling up now), and I told him he couldnt have our past as he didnt want the future. The things that gets me the most is I know him inside out, and the Bint wants fun in her life - EX is not that he is very set in his ways, unless hes been living a lie all these years, can't see it working out with them.  I did cling to the thought that when its over he would come back, but then I thought he might do it again down the line and do I want to keep having heartache each time.  You know I could of forgiven him having feelings for someone else and even the affair, its the lies that I cant forgive.

Don't know why I going to my mum's - she not been well and we haven't seen her for a long time, so its about time I went and saw her, I know I'm in for the i told you so, etc.  But if she gets to much I will pack the car and the kids and come home. Like you say its just about getting away from the house.  When I get back its time for a deep clean, I can finally remove all his hunting pictures, house will look bare, but I can cope with that - remove all traces of him out of the house, he can have the garage!!

Then it will be nearly 2 months since he went, I gave myself that target of getting things sorted. 2 months of having some fun, then who knows?!

Sorry I didnt reply last night, sleeping for 6 hours has finally caught up with me.  Supersize v Superskinny, I wanted to watch that and forgot at least I can catch up tomorrow when he has the kids for tea.

Hope you all have a good day.

Mx

Posted on: March 24, 2010 - 10:43am
surplus to requ...

Hi M

I had a good day today. out early to hospital appointment with my eldest then met a friend from my voluntary work for a coffee, 2hrs later we left the coffee shop lol uch well it was wet and cold outside so it was good to be in the warm.school run then home not sure where the day went actually lol.

Went to parents night and although i got the usual he's good and in the top groups his work is suffering slightly through the crap the wee soul is taking on board his wee shoulders. His attention is drifting and he's getting angry over the slightest thing and then bursting into tears. I'll get him through this, because thats my job but if i could get my hands on a base ball bat theres a pair of knees i'd like to do some damage to!

where did your EX meet his bint? you said she was on Facebook does that mean you knew her as well? Im disgusted your EX hasnt ever thought to say sorry, even if he doesnt really mean it surely it should be 2nd nature for him to say it.

Trust me you only think you can forgive the affair but that 1 affair will lead on to more of them and then when do you stop forgiving?you only have to look at me, 5 affairs later (that he admitted to but i know theres more) and still i was prepared to get on with it and hope he'd grow up one day! more fool me. Dont go down that same route as me,I wish way back when i found out about the 1st affair i had left him then,think of the pain i would have save myself and children...no point looking back i suppose whats done is done.

not long now till your night out. My fingers are crossed for you to have a great night, the first of many. Ive just been making plans for another night out on the 9th April.Me and the girls from my voluntary work are heading to a casino in Glasgow for a meal and a night of fun.there is 5 of us and only 1 has a partner so it should be a good night,who knows might just meet a well off sugar daddy to whisk me away from all this..uch i can dream i suppose lol

How has your day gone,no tears i hope. No tears fell from me today they just glassed up in my eye but i supressed them and moved on.What you doing 2moro when your kids are at your EX's for tea? do something for you, please dont mope, when does he ever mope? so why should you!!!!   

Shame you missed Supersize v Superskinny it was worth a view.

catch you later K x      

Posted on: March 24, 2010 - 8:47pm
Eeyore73

Hi K,

Really glad you have had a good day.  Mine not so good, banging heads with Loz today.  Her Dad said he would be in today,but I said he wasnt coming in, explosion.  Took J to cubs, went to Tesco and she is trying a new pair of trousers on in the changing room talking to her Dad, after I asked her not to, as it looks like she is trying to hide things, told her I dont mind her talking to him whenever as he is her Dad.  Anyway got home and she was in a mood, she ended up phoning her Dad and screaming at him because he hadnt come in.  He arrives 10 mins later, doing the normal lets not talk, why come in if you are not going to say or do anything. 

You will get the kids through it as it is our job!!  If the EX had wanted to make a go of things I think I would of tried, I know it easy to say but he was my life - now I have seen him for what he is then it is a defiant no - no matter what, even if he comes back with his tail between his legs.  The EX meet the Bint at work, he wouldnt of seen her very often, but he does plumbing on site, she wanted him to sort out a problem tap at her home, she being a good samaritan he did.  I really think she has done all the chasing.  His is a natural flirt and I think he flirted with her she flirted back and he thought I havent had this in a while.  Just makes me feel really angry as I asked him a couple of months ago if we were ok and got the usual yes.  I felt we werent doing enough together but he didnt want to do anything.  I really think now she has done me a favour!!! :)

Not long to the night out, at the moment really not wanting to go, have had a major headache for the last couple of days, seem to get worse int he evenings.  But once L has gone off to guide camp and J is with his Dad, I think I will relax, may be a couple of vodkas will help.   A sugar daddy sounds like the ideal replacement -  as my boss to bring me a man back from business class on his last flight!! LOL

I havent got time to mop around at the moment, my neighbour and I help each other out with child care, she has to work late, so I am on kid duty.  Had to laugh the kids had tea together and L was a bit upset, said Dad was coming in, and her eldest (4) turned to L and said you do know that your Dad doesnt live with you no more.  Out of the mouths of babes.

I have to start getting into the going out frame of mind. He buggered off out the 2nd day after I told him to go!! I know it will do me good, but it will only happen around once a month.  L has said I can always join an online dating agency :))

Hope you have a fab day tomorrow as well.  Think I will head off to bed

Take care Mx

Posted on: March 24, 2010 - 10:12pm
surplus to requ...

Hi M

wasnt sure if i would write today as its been a pure shitter of a day!! why is money the route of all evil?? I have a legally binding contrat with "him" which he gladly signed to make me feel secure but because im following the contract he is now furious..the language and the temper was a disgrace and now i feel like a money grabbing bitch!! I have since went over the money and know he will find it a struggle but he had a month to change his mind with the contract or even appoint his own lawyer,my lawyer held off a month before sending the agreement to be legalised in court..at the time of the agreement i was still holding out hope that it was just a nightmare that would go away,but it never and things got worse so i decided with my lawyer to follow the contract as outlined. I called "him " today about the school parents night and we got onto the money side of things,decided i best ask him to set up a Direct Debit and it was only then he realised i had been taking the allotted amount and still using the joint account as set out in the agreement...my god he might be hundreds of thousands of miles away but i was scared of his manner tone and language telling me i was making a C**t of him and calling me an F****ing C..how the F can he afford to pay for everything and yet live his own life. Eventually i had to hang up he was so cross there was no way he would have listen to me anyway. I did the sums and he really is working for nothing if i follow the agreement, so why did he sign it without doing the sums? Before i hung up he told me i wouldnt get away with it and he'll file for divorce tomorrow and go to the CSA then i'll get F all...Got really paniced at that as i have no money of my own coming in,hence the agreement in the first place. Called my lawyer and he assured me CSA wont be able or want to do anything as there is a legal agreement already in place. As for divorce he'll still have to wait 2 and half years to have that...that im not concerned about cos today was his final nail in the coffin, my little light of hope finally went out my love for him ended with a bang today. However having worked out the money situation i now feel guilty and want to sort something more reasonable out,yet again im allowing him to have his way in some kind of way. Im going to see my lawyer and get things sorted and hopefully that will be the end of the problem,until we sell the house that is i suppose.

Was in such a state i went to an emergency appointment with our marriage counsellor to help me re evaluate whats going on in my head and his head,from the last time she saw him...she's brilliant and well worth the money i pay for a private session,even used my own money to pay for the session tonight!

god i hope your day was heaps better than mine.how did tea with their dad go? got to go to my bed as my head is sore and eyes are like yellow holes in the snow from todays emotional roller coaster...been told i'll come through the other end of this a strong person, just getting to that end would be an achievement i think!!

nite nite Kx             

Posted on: March 26, 2010 - 12:03am
Bubblegum
DoppleMe

HI,

Someone once told me that it's not money that is the root of all evil it's lack of it : )

It all feels like crap and hopeless and there is no end.. when will it end, round and round, and where as it never goes away (sorry) especially that there are kids... it does get better.

I'm five years down the road from it all and bloody happy! there are times when I have to go back there, periodically she raises her head and puts everything back into confusion.. but basically what I'm trying to say is it gets better and one day you will look back and laugh...

Maybe in a straight jacket in a padded room, sort of manically but at least you would be laughing.

Seriously though, solicitors, let them sort it out, that's all you can do really and if he is getting all angry and shouting down the phone tell him you're not going to talk with him until he calms down and say goodbuy. You don't have to put up with his crap and he has to support you and your kids if he's working and you are not.

Later.

P.S. anyone who makes you feel like crap isn't worth letting them make you feel like crap : ) if you get what I mean.

Watch this it's funny..

Posted on: March 26, 2010 - 8:39am
Eeyore73

HI Bubblegum

Loved the link.  And your PS is so true, but why do we let ourselves take so much crap from certain people.

Money or lack of it, causes so many problems for everyone, even those who are happy.  It does feel like a roundabout, I suppose we just have to find that way of, before we can forward and be in your happy place.

Mx

Posted on: March 26, 2010 - 11:03am
Eeyore73

Hi K,

<<xx>> I was a little worried about you yesterday after not hearing from you.  Sorry you had a bad day, money is evil.  My EX is being the same, I havent gone through a solicitor yet, but it does look like I will have to me. Being Miss Pratical, I sorted through bank statement, Tax Office, CM Options and CSA within 48 hours of the bombshell.  Worked out what I needed to survive, he agreed to support me for a couple of months until credits were coming in, and everything changed over, and he agreed to pay the majority of the mortgage, share the car, as he has the use of the works vechile during the week he has it when he has the kids, but like you they agreed and now he is saying if he does that then he cant afford to may the mortgage.  Aarrgghh scream - but I listed everything that needs chaning and now hes dragging his feet. Sorry but i think these men need their mums.

How did tea go? Well if looks could kill I would be 6 foot under! Had to take the neighbours kids to their swimming lesson, we arrived back just a couple of meetings after he arrived.  Kids just went he didnt speak as usual,  kids arrived back at 7pm, he just dropped them and went again. He really is behaving like a child!!

Any way night out tomorrow hopefully, best shave my legs or do my hair LOL

Hope you are feeling better today.

Take care

Mx

Posted on: March 26, 2010 - 11:53am
surplus to requ...

Hi M

oh thanx for worrying,its nice to know we have each other to vent to even when all we do is moan and cry lol. we will be strong ladies in time.

Money is a nightmare issue wouldnt mind but "him" is earning loads. I went to a lawyer as soon as i found out about his latest tart..I never bothered with the CSA as i knew they wouldnt get me much, nothing like what im used to having access to,why should me and boys suffer financially when we never did this. He was still at the feeling guilt for hurting us all stage when he signed it. Ive come up with a fairer amount he has to pay me but everything else stays as per the original agreement.I just need my lawyer to implament it and email "him" and outline the new amounts...but not going to change it legally,this will just be a verbal agreement witnessed by my lawyer so that i have the original agreement to fall back on if he starts messing me about...i managed to wangle it so he has to keep paying for everything and me for 5 years AFTER we divorce ;o). This wee girly is sharper than a tack when it comes to being shafted..18 years i think i deserve something especially as i gave up the chance of a career when we got married and moved about with his army career...see i am becoming a BITCH, hate it but he's turned me into this.

Imagine ignoring you last night, what a child!! thats just proof of his guilt hanging over him. Men revert back to teenage kevin and perry's when they know they are in the wrong. Having said that im sure i'll have 27 days of that when "him" is back in the country on the 5th April!!!..just need to get this first lot of 27 days and then the future one's will be easier.

Ok so its shave your legs OR do your hair lol maybe do both! you never know your luck lol.Im off out tonight. wasnt looking forward to it but im going just for the hell of it. Counsellor told me to live my life for me and the boys now and "him" is not to be an issue let him live his own life as long as my moneys sorted and the kids and me are fine why care what he does. Tell you what i needed that session last night it really did help me even if it did cost £50 for the hour, got an extra half hour though cos she is so lovely and kept me talking until i felt stronger and had no more tears to shed.

oh nearly forgot ive got through to the interview stage of being accepted on my college courses yippeeee. Interview is late April,NC and HNC levels so hope to get at least the NC then i can do the HNC next year. Had to jump through hoops to get to this stage so hopefully this is just a formality and my new career path will be about to open up for me.

Off to shave my legs and do my hair now lol let you know how it goes.

Take Care K x   

   

Posted on: March 26, 2010 - 5:33pm
surplus to requ...

Hi Bubblegum

ahh a man with a conscience and the ability to put his kids first...where were you when i was 19 and obviously marrying the wrong one lol.

Thanks for what you said it all made sense especially the straight jacket bit,im sure mine is the wrong size need a smaller 1 lol..im at my solicitor on monday and will get him to email "him" with the amount i have revised and if he doesnt like it i'll be sticking to the original legal document..im the bitch i never thought i could be,funny how self presevation kicks in when you've been kicked about so much.

he does make me feel like crap and your right who needs crap in their life...no more phone calls either it just isnt worth the stress. 

loved your wee sketch made me giggle. Have a good night

Take Care Kx      

 

Posted on: March 26, 2010 - 5:43pm
Louise
Parenting specialist
DoppleMe

Hope everyone is having an enjoyable evening. This is a great thread! I am sure that online support from others facing the same thing is a brilliant help. YES!!!

Posted on: March 26, 2010 - 9:32pm
Eeyore73

Hi K,

Rant away, I know how you are feeling! Ranting can help, and yes we will become stronger.  I didnt think I was weak before, but I have no realised how much I did for him.

I know what you mean about the money part, I know that they have to pay for their new lives, but it was their actions and decisions that caused them having a new life.  Have had the same decision with my EX, amazing how they managed before handed. At least you got a contract sorted, as we werent married, I am not entitled to anything to help.  We have to turn into Bitches as thats the only way we can get things sorted, and I think being a bitch actually shows them that we are weak and feeble women. Shame we didnt think along Catherine Zeta Jones, and get them to sign over a Million Pounds for every year, wouldnt that be nice.  Just have to keep playing the lottery, that would piss him off.

I will be thinking of you when your EX is back in the country.  If you ever need to escape we would welcome you to Devon.  So glad you are out about tonight, hope that you have fun.  Will do my legs and hair before I go out tomorrow, think I might even go out and treat myself to something new.

Congrats on getting to the interview stage, will keep my fingers crossed.  Would love to go and start a new career, but really dont know what I would want to do, and dont know if I could.

Take care x  Hope the head is ok tomorrow.

Posted on: March 26, 2010 - 10:26pm
Eeyore73

Hi Louise,

Yes this is a great thread, Thanks to Anna for setting it going.  It really does hlep to get things off your chest and to hear from other people going through the same thing.  Friends and neighbours are good, but unless they have been through it they really dont understand how you feel somedays.  And its good to hear from men how they felt and dealt with it.

Tonight is good. L away on guide camp, me and J watching Night at Museum 2.

Take care

Mx

Posted on: March 26, 2010 - 10:29pm
surplus to requ...

Hi M

My head is sore today but not from drinking,soda water and lime is my tipple lol. The bar was mobbed,no room at all but it was GREAT and we still managed to find a wee space to dance,i loved it. My friend and i met my sister and her work colleagues in there so it turned into a huge party.I never got in until just about 2am,i ran my sister home and 2 of our friends...probably why my head is so sore that and the blasting music.

I'm so glad your going to do both shave your legs and do your hair lol. Yes yes yes definitely buy yourself something even if its just something cheap, it really does make all the difference to how you'll feel. Over load your perfume and apply the mascara at least 4 times and remember a nice lipstick,it works for me ;o). Im so excited for you and cant wait to hear what your night turns out like..I wish there was a way on here that i could give you my mobile number to txt if you get a bit panicked during your night.That always works for me, i txt my stay at home friend when my wee anxiety demon pokes her head out and she gives me a wee boost to see me through another wee blip. Just remember you are a Yummy Mummy with heaps going for you, anyone new would be lucky to meet you. Fingers crossed honey, you go girl!!

Yes absolutley you could start a new career through going to college. You would get help money wise cos your a single parent and a full time course is all paid for,its only part-time courses you have to pay for. You'll get a bursary and you dont pay any council tax while in full time education plus you get help with child care and help with rent/mortgage. I didnt know anything about it until i looked into it,thought it would be just a pipe dream because it would be thousands of pounds to get on a course,I was so wrong. Im hoping to do Social Care either NC or HNC (applied for both levels because i do voluntary work along those lines so was hoping to go in at HNC but very willing to start at NC,its only another year of studying and will give me a firmer foundation before i do the HNC) with the possibility to do a degree in Social Work when i pass the HNC,the degree is 4 years but thats just one idea, during the HNC i will get a feel for other areas where i could work under the Social Care umbrella,who knows i might want to work for a childrens charity instead...im so excited about all the possibilities ahead of me and i didnt have that until i got the short sharp push,so maybe he did me a favour in the end. I just contacted my 2 local colleges for next years prespectives and then went in and spoke with career advisors who really made me see how possible all this was.They even told me not to work while studying cos then i wouldnt get a full bursary or help with other money things. 

That doesnt seem fair that because you werent married you're entitled to nothing, actually being married doesnt mean i'm entitled to anything either,its only the boys that are and through CSA their only entitled to 20% of his wages but i wasnt standing for that hence why i got a nuptial agreement in place just in time before he turned really nasty. Although its now caused us to fight but thankfully i have that security behind me even if at the minute he is being a tw*t and throwing his dummy out of his pram..it helps though i was lucky enough to find my lawyer who is just great and so willing to do anything possible for me,and its all on legal aid because i have no money of my own coming in...im a bitch to be reconned with at the minute,very much like Gabriella Cilmi's new song "I am a woman on a mission" thats now my new ring tone LOL.

Your offer to come and get away from it all with you in Devon was lovely and i feel the same about you, anytime you need to get away from it all come to Glasgow and chill with me,ive got a spare room and i'll make sure we have plenty of fun..Who knows if he's doing my head in when he's home i might just take you up on that offer and run away from it all :o).

Surprise surprise i havent heard from "him" since our big fight on the phone the other day where he threatend me with CSA (ha that fell flat on his face!) and to divorce me (bring it on big boy cos i dont care anymore still have to wait 2 and a half years for that to happen!) I havent checked the bank balance to see if he did the money transfer but i will and if its short or not there when i see my lawyer on Monday i'll be instructing him to go the full hog and do what he has to do. Gone is the worry and anxiety of upsetting him..as you said they did this to us, we were loyal and we  still got pooped on, no more Mrs nice guy, if he wanted all his money to stay the same he shouldnt have done this to us as a family...big mistake,huge mistake,colossal mistake this new inner bitch is here to stay i think lol.

Hopefully your excited about tonight and FORGET about you "him" enjoy enjoy enjoy :o)

Take Care Kx               

Posted on: March 27, 2010 - 2:23pm
surplus to requ...

Hi Lousie

your right it is a great thread ... everyone reading it must think M and i are alittle bit touched with the mad stick lol I dont care cos being able to vent to someone going through the same type of problems and pain as me at the same time just doesnt happen all that often in normal day to day life..i think i can safetly say im coping better since finding this site and sharing with M and everyone else who offers up an opinion is helping me become that little bit stronger day by day.

have a great day

Kx        

Posted on: March 27, 2010 - 2:32pm
Eeyore73

Hi K,

Just staggered through the door, excuse typing, as had too much to drink!! hic hic.  Anyway it has been a rather emotional 2 days, I am back to crying for no reason whats so ever.  Packed L off to guide camp, and creid.  My friend thinks its because I did crying non stop for about 3 days then pulled myself together, mainly for the kids.  I think reality has suddenly dawned on me now, and stupid as it my seem I am going back to wondering what was/is wrong with me. :(.  Anyway neighbour and husband ended up taking me out for the day to try and get my mind off things.  EX came to pick up J, still is acting like a child and wont talk to me unless I talk to him first, really starting to p me off.  Anyway he wanted to know what benefits and how much I was entitled to -  what the hell has it got to do with him?  Really think the Bint is putting her two penny worth in.  So of course I am now angry and upset not what I wanted before going out, really felt like shutting the doors and hiding away from everyone.  Cant do that as neighbour D has a key and would come and find me.

So painted my face on, had an excellent meal with 3 nieghbours and a good laugh.  Have had a few drinks, bumped into a couple of old friends - no interest apart from the usual stare at the chest!!! Didnt want any interest tonight.  So now back in a very quiet and lonely house, think I might buy a dog. This is the worse time, so used to having so much noise and stuff going on in the house, and really miss not having anyone to talk to or cuddle up on the sofa with.  The vodka and 5 hour nights are begining to catch up with me, at least I will be able to have a lie in, shame no one to bring coffee up to me though.

I am adopting Ronan's Life is a Rollercoaster song as my theme tune, as it really has been this week.  Hoping for a better few days.

Hope you all have had good Saturday evenings whatever you were doing.

LoveMx

Posted on: March 28, 2010 - 1:10am
Louise
Parenting specialist
DoppleMe

Hello Eeyore73

Yes I agree that the quiet house can be very difficult! that is also the time when we can be at risk from sending unwise texts (as I know from experience, whoops) I understand you thinking about getting a pet for company. I really like dogs but they are very tying so think carefully before committing yourself. Now you know why I have a goldfish, lol!

Hope you have had a decent sleep. It is great to know you have such good neighbours around you.

Posted on: March 28, 2010 - 7:11am
Bubblegum
DoppleMe

If you get a dog get one that doesn't have hair..

I took my dads German Shepherd when he died and cleaning up hair is just a never ending daily task, that is all my hoover contains when I change the bag it's a  bag just full of hair. It gets everywhere.

Just saying.

I've even tried hoovering her, thinking that would reduce the hair build up in the house but no.. Tried brushing her too, but no joy, still a house full of hair.

If you do decide to ignore my advice and get one anyway you will just have to never wear anything black ever again.

Later.

 

Posted on: March 28, 2010 - 8:11am
Eeyore73

Hi Louise and Bubblegum,

I know animals are tying - unfortunately I had to have the cat put down during the week - she had been with us for 16years. EX wasnt effected by it at all.  So now down to 1 rabbit.  The is such a cute German Shepherd puppy around near us at the moment - kids would be fed up so quickly, but would love to be able to train it for when he arrives.  So we are dog sitting instead for friends. I know its just an impulse as EX never wanted a dog, even though we said we would when we had the kids.

Have not been tempted to send any texts whilst I am home alone. Decided the second week that I was not going to waste any energy or time on the EX or Bint.  Having a rollercoast week, back to crying at the drop of a hat.

Hope you all have a good weekend.

Mx

Posted on: March 28, 2010 - 10:11am
surplus to requ...

Hi M

Oh what a nightmare sorry i didnt get in touch until now,long story but lost the cat in my mums house and it took 3 hrs to find her!!!

Anyway... Your crying because your hurting honey and thats fine, god i know what those tears are like, cried enough of them myself. They help get rid of that feeling swirling about in your heart tummy and head even just for a little while, so just you cry them all out. No wonder your so upset this week has been full on for you and you have still managed to go for a night out and not lock yourself away like you wanted. GOOD FOR YOU WELL DONE BABE. I think its much better to have a nights sleep with no big lump snoring in your ear because he's too fat and had more than a skin full to drink.have to admit buying a new bed and full bedding was the best thing i did my room is now exactly that MY ROOM!

Getting the cat put down, waving your daughter off, dealing with a childish "HIM" and coping everyday with a broken heart is tough but your doing it and your doing it fantastically. Forget about the bint pulling his strings she's a distraction for him the now but that doesnt mean it will last. Tell him NOTHING about what your entitled to cause its none of his business.

Why dont you just get a new cat? They arent as tying as a dog,no late night walks especially in the winter when all you want to do is close the door and the curtains and watch tv before bed.  

Tonight was just your first night out the rest will get easier just make a point of going out even when you dont want to..why dont you go to a casino like im doing in a couple of weeks time,its different and i bet your neighbours wont have been in years if at all. We are going for the evening meal and entertainment not really to gamble but its going to be a really dressy glam night and its somethng to focus on.It was my idea and my friends jumped at it and now we are like teenagers txting each other about it and laughing about finding ourselves a rich sugar daddy to make us all feel better lol...its a dream but its something to keep me going..You need a distraction as well try and think of something,and i dont mean going to your mothers!! Thats probably worrying you as well and upsetting you. Forget about everyone but you and the kids,let them all live there own lives and you live yours.Why dont you start dropping the kids at his mums instead of him coming to the house?that way your in control again of something and trust me a little control will make you feel better.

Hope today, after your tears last night, went better for you. still want to give you my mobile number some how so you can txt me when your down instead of waiting on me looking on here when you want a big (((xox))) cuddle sooner.

chin up babe im hear for you

Love Kx

           

Posted on: March 28, 2010 - 7:50pm
Eeyore73

Hi K,

Last time we lost the cat, she was shut away in the wardrobe, was fast asleep curled up in a bag.

Was going to have a good sort out this weekend, but after being dragged out yesterday day and then going out last night, did not feel up to it today, so will conquer it during the week.  Really want to get things done, need to clear out his crap and then decorate my room, rearrange some furniture then I think I will feel a bit better.  Have been wanting to decorate for the last year or so, have the paint but never got round to it.  My neighbours husband came round today and helped me with something the EX had promised to do for the last year, took him 5 mins.

I am not telling him anything of what I am entitled to, just told him how much I can afford to pay towards the mortgage, its none of his business now.  I do think that I have been a bit too strong these last few weeks and the last few days have been a release, seems worse when you cant put your finger on what is wrong.  Just not used to have a quiet house. So glad that I have my neighbours,  I am sure they would love to go to a casino, but it well over a hour to the nearest.  Maybe will organise it for a summer trip.

Today was lonely, after finally getting the head sorted, spent the day doing housework :(, at least I can do it now without the interuptions. Kids finally home, bathed and bed.  3 and 4 days at school left, then a week off for me - arguing over his week, doesnt want to take a full week off work (very rude word.) He did at least check the car for me before I go up to my mums. I did think about taking the kids round to him, but its a 10 minutes drive and he has to past our house on his way home.  Anyway if hes late then it reflects on him.  His mum has been an absolute star during all of this.

Know what you mean about the number, my email is (edited by moderator) - if you email me I will send my number, this email is ok for about the next few weeks, as I will be changing soon.

anyway big hugs for now. Keep your chin up as well <<xx>>

Mx

Posted on: March 28, 2010 - 9:38pm
surplus to requ...

Hi M

I emailed you from my black berry so it might go into your spam file!!lol

I know what you mean about the empty house i hate it so much during the week when my boys are both at school and college.I deliberately go out everyday but somedays i dont (didnt-the stronger me wants no more tears over him) get out before the tears start.my lowest time is first thing in the morning usually during the school run, not sure why cos we dont get stressed at the school run in this house and its not as if "him" was ever here to do the school run very often.

Maybe since your nearest casino is an hour away you need another fun girly distraction night perhaps a karaoke in a pub, even if like me you dont get up and do it watching is great fun as well..something to focus on and aim towards. It might be down to you to spur your neighbours on im always the ring leader for nights out cos im determind im not going to get stuck in the house now im alone,it too easy to get trapped in that world and besides is he sitting in his mothers every night pining for what he has left...no hes like my "him" and they are self centred egotistical prats who are living their mid life crisisses in full glory.      

I have to admit Thursday when my world came crashing around my feet when he lost the plot with me and was abusive down the phone calling me an F-ing C**t and shouting so loud he must have hurt his throat my back bone grew back and once the shock and the tears had abated i felt nothing but pity for him and so far that pity remains solid (long may it last), i dont feel that love anymore and would welcome him to actually proceed with filing for divorce,its still a 2 and a half year wait for him to be a proper single man. Im not divorcing him because i will lose too much money,his affair means i can have a divorce within 6 months...so im unashamedly admitting to milking him for as much as i can for as long as i can,maybe this is the start of his pay back karma :o)

I understand completely that feeling of the upper hand when he's running late for the kids,for me its every day that passes that he doesnt call or txt his children on their mobile phones never mind the house phone. At least his mum has been a star for you which is a great bonus for you. My in-laws hate me, they dont even send my boys a christmas or birthday card and besides they live in Holland now which is fabulous the last thing i want is them any where near my children. 

I think the least your "him" could have done was look at your car before you go to your mum's, his children are passengers in the car and their safety is paramount.           

Hope you've applied for lone parent tax credits, housing benefits and for your 25% reduction in council tax. I cant get housing benefit because he pays the mortgage i full along with all the bills ;o) but i get lone parent child tax credits and the reduction in council tax.

Stupid cat had gone behind a solid wood cabinet that has a hidden recess underneath the main body of the cabinet, of course it would be 7ft tall and 6ft wide and weigh a flippen ton but i managed to move it myself and squeeze behind it to drag her out by the scruff of her neck she never made a sound or even try to scratch me,she knew she was in so much trouble lol god i love that cat she's got us all wrapped around her little paw lol.

Right im off for a coffee and a slice of cake (huge slice lol) before i head up to bed.

Tomorrow is another day to be strong :o) big hugs and kisses ((((xox)))) honey sleep well.

Take care Kx 

        

Posted on: March 28, 2010 - 10:46pm
Eeyore73

Hi K,

It is really strange, when everyone was at home EX and kids, I used to crave for an empty house for half an hour, now its the other way round. Don't have the downer on the school run, far to hetic, 2 schools opposite ends of the town and then I have to get to work before 9, thank god I have an understanding boss.  L should walk but the weather is back to typical so I drop her down - what would kids do without the Mum/Dad taxi??

I know hes not sat around pining or having any of the feelings that we have - he is so unemotional.  We are going to on girly nights out every month, but we are also going to do a Come Dine with Me evenings - I know its not the same as being out, but we do have some fun and its a laugh.  Roll on Ann Summers parties as well. LOL.  At the moment I dont want another relationship, feelings may change but I am trying to show the children that its not right to do what he did, and that you cant go along in life going from one relationship (!) to another without any break-- if you know what I mean.

He did check the car and fill it up - he didnt last time even after we agreed to.  Have asked him to finish the DIY in the kitchen whilst I am away, neighbours will check on him.  I have applied for anything and everything, should have the council tax rebate but not received the new bill yet - 25% is not enough for single parents on lower incomes.  Tax credits have been a nightmare they got my details wrong even after 2 calls and then sent a letter saying they were stopping them as I hadnt sent the form back to them - stupid stupid stupid, I phoned again and they said that the person I spoke to hadnt signed the form of last time I had phoned. AAAArrrrgggghhhh - do these people not realised how much added pressure we are under without having to give us anymore. WOW it feels good to rant.

I know how you feel about your cat, mine was great until this last year or so, found the house move difficult and bless her think she was too old, should of left her with an neighbour when they offered.

Today so far has been good apart from the normal its Monday morning rush and squabbles.  EX is coming for his tea as they know wont see him for nearly 10 days - lets hope or not that he remembers how to use a phone!!

I am now slightly looking forward to going to my mums - as I am meeting up with old school friends, something I never did when he was around - starting to look back on things he was slightly controlling. Then will have to have some days out with neighbour D and her 2, bring on the fun.

Looking forward to having a life and being me again, I have been a shadow of the girl I was 18 years ago, still stroppy and headstrong, but the confidence I did have - is all but gone time to get it back.  I have become more relaxed with the kids since HE went, and better with housework or the house stays tidier longer. 

Anyway hope you all have a good Monday - even if like me its boring work!!

Take Care

Mx

Posted on: March 29, 2010 - 10:41am
surplus to requ...

Hi M

Tea huh i know what i'd be feeding him!! hope he brought the humble pie lol.

I need "him" to sort out the garage when he's home and im in Haven with the boys,its all his junk thats stored in the garage anyway. Bet your "him" appreciates the neighbours watching him at work lol..my neighbours are the same though they all think he's a tosser to have done what he has.

Your so right about living a little before another relationship begins for you. I want a relationship in the (near) future but for now im after FUN and im going all out to have it. Thats so good you've arranged to meet some old friends when your home. I didnt have any friends for a long time,mainly for the simple reason friends want to go out and i knew that would cos problems so i just had acquaintances but no one close enough to call a friend then when i did make a really special friend she was killed in a car crash and my life crumbled without here..now i've pulled myself together and got some good friends and 1 special lady who keeps me on the straight and narrow,without her and my sister i wouldnt have got this far..god we seem to have been those type of women you read about back in the olden days who had nothing but their husbands and children...no more! life is what we make it from now on!

Ive had problems in the past with working tax credits and it was a nightmare so completely empathise with you. Luckily this time around things have gone fairly smoothly,touch wood it lasts. I might have to go and see about signing on for job seekers allowance until August when i start college (fingers crossed i get on my course!). I spoke to my little one about free school dinners and he was dead excited saying how all his friends get them and how it wouldnt bother him lol, how times have changed when i was at primary i would have died if i was a free school dinner but these days its more normal than paying for dinner it would seem lol. And my eldest is thrilled to be getting EMA allowance from college now, in the past his dad earned too much for him to be entitled to anything...im raising a right pair lol :o) 

Went to my lawyer today and he's going to email "him" and set out the new allowance amount, if he agrees so be it but if not then i'll be sticking to the original agreement and theres nothing he can do about it...Guess what,he still hasnt been in touch even to talk with his children!! Its about 2 weeks since they spoke to him.He's due home next week and im really not looking forward to it very much. I'm sure some of the brown stuff will hit the fan and there will be alot of tension in the air. He's probably arranged to go see a lawyer as well so that will be fun - not!. Let him file for divorce im past caring. I feel such a release knowing i dont love him anymore in fact i can honestly say i have no feelings for him at all and im determined for that to remain the case.

I'm heading to the sun bed for some vit D to make me look all glowing (i dont really tan,skin colour's too fair but a glow is all i want anyway to look natural) when he comes back...such a wee shame he isnt having any of it ever again :oD...oh yeah i forgot he doesnt want me anymore uch well someone else might lol.

Talk to you soon

Kx              

Posted on: March 29, 2010 - 6:25pm
Eeyore73

Hi K,

Sounds like you have had a productive day. Wish I had put something in his food. He didnt speak when he came in, not even a thank you for the food. Then he went onto wanting to talk about money!! still trying to find out how much tax credits I am getting.  Amazing how I have been wanting to sort it all out and hes dragged his feet, now hes wanting to sort things out.  Someone is yanking his chain??!!  Any not going to be a soft touch no more, he can have the hard face stroppy cow from now on. Its me and the kids only now.  Suppose I should go to a solictor and get things done offically, especially if he is going to move in with the BINT.

Tax Credits what a laugh - they really need to sort things out and make it a lot easier/simplier so every one would know what they are entitled to.  I applied for free school meals not heard back yet.  There isnt that stigma attached to them anymore like there used to be.

L&J are now really grumpy they are like this every time they come back from a visit, when I have asked them if they want to spend any more time with him, they shrug their shoulders and then say no just one day and the odd night over is enough.  It would kill me if I thought the kids only wanted to see me for one day.  It drives me mad when I have to go away with work, I am on constantly on the phone to them, when I can.

Right my rollercoaster has crashed to the bottom, so now the only way is to go up, with a few bumps. Heres to enjoying my new life, kids and making new friends, virtual and real.

Love

Mx

Posted on: March 29, 2010 - 8:54pm
surplus to requ...

Hi M

Only really productive from the view ive been to my lawyer and he has reassured me im doing nothing wrong and that he was a prat for agreeing to such a financially crippling agreement without getting legal advise.

I to would be so gutted if my boys didnt want to see or speak to me either, but do you know something i wouldnt let a day pass without trying to talk to them and i would be bombarding them with txts, but thats because we are women and we have different feelings to the majority of men. Im sure the men in this group would agree they dont fall into the majority selfish bracket, it takes a special kind of man to be the main carer to his children. my "him" hasnt attempted to contact our boys since our big bust up on Thursday what a plonker. And he wonders why the boys dont care if they talk to him or not anymore,saying how hurt he is about it..my fat backside he's hurting!!

You'll get these tax credits sorted and then you'll feel more secure but please dont tell him anything about what your getting. Tax credit advisors will tell you that as well. When you claim as a lone parent the amount you get is nothing to do with your ex partner and they wont divulge any information to him even if he calls them snooping. your right its time to go and seek some legal advise call Legal Aid and get them to recommend some lawyers in your area who deal with family law. When i went to legal aid i was looking for a lawyer who was a notarity lawyer so i could set up the agreement, i was just fortunate enough to find a good family lawyer in him as well.And remember go with your instinct if you dont gel with the lawyer go to another 1. The first lawyer i went to was a woman and i just didnt connect with her all i wanted from her was advice when i first felt our marraige was in trouble a year ago (he of course denied it back then). The fact your even thinking the bint is pulling his strings and he might move in with her means you need to get things clear in your head legally.

Now that your roller coaster has hit rock bottom you will begin to be able to start picking yourself back up and your heart wont ache so much that it detract you. Get the hard you in place and take no prisoners. You know im routing for you honey

Take Care and i hope the headache is easing up

K xox   

           

Posted on: March 29, 2010 - 9:56pm
Eeyore73

Hi K,

Headache is easing, have a neighbour with healing hand reiki.  One thing I am sure of, is not to tell him what I am getting from the Tax Office.  He lost any rights of me telling him anything when he decided to go off with the Bint. I dont think he can even remember how much my wages are. Anyway we will get sorted, I have told him what I am willing to do to stay in the house and if he cant accept it then he is a bad man!!!  I am strong and getting stronger, going to kick ass when need to.

He still not asked how Parents evening went and if they are coping ok at school since he left.  Well I suppose he is getting things from his mum, because she asks.

The solicitor I saw was ok, she said I was entitled to Legal Aid and that if things get to a solicitor stage they will start it from then, was really hoping that it wouldnt get to that stage, but looks like it might.

I do feel sorry for the kids as they have gone from having parents together who never argued, to parents who live apart and argue nearly all the time we spend more than 5 mins together. Cant wait for the day when I can tell him to sod off and be totally independant, but they have that hold over us just for a little while.  Roll on lottery win, but would still make him pay CM. LOL.

Tomorrow is another day along with more challenges old and new.

Take care Mx

Posted on: March 29, 2010 - 11:19pm