Loneliness as a single parent

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Anna
Parenting specialist
DoppleMe

Many of us have experienced loneliness when parenting alone.  When the children are small the nights are long, as they get older we have no-one to discuss their behaviour with.

As someone once said, One Space is where we can Parent Alone together!  I like that!

What do you do to combat loneliness?? Are you feeling lonely right now?  Come on and share how you are feeling and we will be right along to help you through it Wink

Posted on: August 6, 2010 - 3:27pm
sparklinglime
DoppleMe

I'm here.

I feel less alone as I know tomorrow people who I feel have become my friends will read this...

Internet saved me really, as my youngest was five when I was first on my own, and the eldest 12.  I do have a lot more freedom now - but no one to share it with! 

i've been trawling through Scoutbase trying to sort out sponsor forms and advice for a Scout who's organising a sponsored walk up Snowdon - have to get forms out this week as there's only a month before they go!

Posted on: August 6, 2010 - 11:40pm
hazeleyes
DoppleMe

4.32am, can't sleep and yes I feel very alone right now. Yesterday wasn't such a good day for me. Stuff has happened between my so called family, (the ones I have left anyway). The internet is great for groups like these, but not so sure about FB anymore. This is where the problems have started. C has been hurt over some comments that have been made by his cousin, and what has angered me even more, my own sister has also added to the comments! In view of all of this, I decided to delete them (I wish it was so easy in real life). I sent a message to C's cousin, and explained why I was removing them, and yesterday, through another family member, they are now writing nasty comments on FB. In anger I wrote some stuff on it last night, wish I hadn't, (though it wasn't nasty). I have now deleted my comments, probably too late I know, but ........

Why do people deliberately go out of their way to upset others? Families especially, in my case anyway. I haven't slept well, but hopefully I shall soon go back to bed, and sleep better.

Posted on: August 7, 2010 - 4:47am
Louise
Parenting specialist
DoppleMe

Hi sparkling lime

That's a heck of a challenge, climbing Snowdon. Hope you get a lot of successful sponsorship Smile I am glad that you have found the Internet such a help, personally if my computer goes wrong I feel absolutely devastated, so much of my life and work is tied up with the Internet

Posted on: August 7, 2010 - 7:46am
Louise
Parenting specialist
DoppleMe

Hi alisoncam

The trouble with FB is that it is not moderated so people can say more or less what they like. I have noticed in my devoted viewing of Jeremy Kyle how often social network sites are quoted as causing problems between people so it is obviously a common issue. It is awful to put a remark on about a CHILD though, sometimes families have jealousies and issues that go back too long to be able to be objective about what they are doing.

Don't forget: "Friends are the families we choose for ourselves" I know that sounds like (and is) a teatowel slogan but I do believe it is true

Here's hoping you got some more sleep Wink

 

 

Posted on: August 7, 2010 - 7:50am
Bubblegum
DoppleMe

 

I don't feel lonely, I enjoy being single, I love being a single parent, I love my children, I enjoy their company, they are a world of fascination to me and the last five and a half years have been pretty amazing, watching them grow up, I wish I could do it over and over again. I hope I'm still alive to be able to see them having their own and watch that too.

I never get lonely, I'm quite at ease with my own company and besides I live in my house with my kids and they are constantly in need of something or other so I don't get a chance to be bored or anything, we all get up and go to bed at roughly the same time so we are always about and chatting as we pass or sat in the same room doing stuff.

Maybe I've just had a string of bad relationships, I don't feel like I have but maybe I just don't know, but I prefer it on my own, I can do what I want when I want and no one complains that I've been on the computer too long, reading a book too long, playing my guitar too loud and for too long, that I've drank too much bloody coffee??! I don't have to sit down and watch mind numbing TV with anyone while eating a family packet of Maltesers, I don't have to constantly reassure someone about whether they are fat or not! Every girl I have ever been out with has had some sort of need to be reassured about something along those lines, and I try to understand but I can't, you are what you are, get used to it and if your not happy about something then do something about it rather than put me in situations where you expect me to basically lie to you or pass judgment on something I have absolutely no opinion on.

So no! I don't get lonely, single life is so much better, single life with a hand full of casual acquaintances that I can chat with in the street on my way to the shop or the beach or the cafe.

I'm happy.

And it fascinates me in a sort of way that I feel sorry but maybe not sorry, wromg word but compassion for the people on here that I read about and they are not happy and I think I wish I could just give them a cuddle and make it all better for them.

Obviously that's a sort of metaphorical cuddle with no strings attached and I'll still respect you in the morning, cuddle : )

Maybe just a manly pat on the back accompanied by a cough and the offer of a pint and don't worry mate it'll all be ok in the end.

Or maybe that's just blokes in pubs in sitcoms.

I was sexually abused by two different people when I was a kid, I ran away from home when I was sixteen. I've lived through a world of drugs and violence, I've passed through drugs myself, I've lived in poor third world countries and visited some more, I've been homeless on the streets begging.

Right now my life is pretty amazing, my only fear is that one day it will stop.

Seriously though happiness is inside you, you don't find it through someone else or something else, apart from your kids maybe, but even they will break your heart sooner or later I'm sure. Sometimes you have to go looking for it but it is there, inside and anyway you have to have bad days or then you wouldn't know what a good day was, you'd have nothing to compare it to.

I don't mean to go on and I do appreciate that other people see the world differently to me so sorry if I sound cruel and heartless, I don't mean to cos I love everyone, even my X and she could be pretty nasty at times.

:)

My mum used to say, worst things happen at sea and it's not the end of the world and look! do you need an ambulance? No! Good, carry on then.

 

Posted on: August 7, 2010 - 9:15am
sparklinglime
DoppleMe

Smile

 

I'm cheering loudly at your post Bubblegum

xx

Posted on: August 7, 2010 - 1:28pm
Bubblegum
DoppleMe

ta : ) I wrote it as my kids were sleeping quietly behind me during one of those moments of peace and quiet, drinking coffee without interruption.

:D

Posted on: August 7, 2010 - 1:48pm
hazeleyes
DoppleMe

I have read and re-read your post Bubblegum, and you are absolutely right. You have given me food for thought here, so thankyou. All morning i have been thinking about why it is that i do feel so lonely at times. I adore my son, I love being a single parent with no involvement from his father, I have good friends, I know sometimes I feel as if they take take take, and I get nothing in return etc, but on the whole my friends are good. My problem of feeling lonely stems from the family that I thought I had left. 3 sisters, and one brother, 3 nieces and their children. I don't have any support from any of them. They get on with their own lives, and visit each other, but I am always out in the cold. They tell me they don't see the others, but then I find out they do. Basically they lie to me, and then that hurts me deeply. What on earth do I need them in my life for? No help when I need it, little interest in my son. I feel and know that I am alienated from them. I don't need people like that making me feel the way they do, I don't need to be upset by them. If it was a friend, I would instantly dismiss them from my life, so I can easily do that with so called family. It has made me think too of the niece that has been visiting recently. She is only here because her parents and sister are away, and she has no one else around, so 'good old me will do for the time being'.

I don't have to feel lonely anymore. I have my wonderful son, and he is all the family I need. I should have learnt years ago to distance myself completely from others. I should have listened to my Mum when she told me I didn't need them in my life.

Your mum was right Bubblegum, worse things do happen at sea, and losing people that make me sad, angry and lonely isn't the end of the world, because thinking about it all, they haven't really been in my world for years now.

It won't affect C in anyway either really. He only sees one of my sisters, once in a blue moon now actually, so he isn't really losing anyone either. He will benefit more by having a happier Mum.

Posted on: August 7, 2010 - 2:03pm
sparklinglime
DoppleMe

Outside looking in - tends to be how I feel a lot of the time - even with the scouts!

At home I'm safe, and we have fun.  Or at least it's fun until I hear my 18 year old saying he wants to take £115 plus petrol money away next weekend (he's away for two nights).

It is easier when they're younger! Smile

Posted on: August 7, 2010 - 2:37pm
Louise
Parenting specialist
DoppleMe

Fab post, Bubblegum and I think it will really help other people.

The "feeling inside" that you talk about is what is at the root of so many problems in life and so many different peoples' unhappiness, whether they are single parents or not. As a counsellor, I know it is what we work on all the time in the counselling room and it can so often be formed in childhood, which is why our job as parents is so important, to give our children high self esteem and a value of themselves as they go forward into the world.

Three cheers for you!

Of course, many people may "know you are right" but have a journey to travel before they can feel quite so at peace...and there is nothing wrong with that and we are here to support them on that journey Wink

Posted on: August 7, 2010 - 2:43pm
Bubblegum
DoppleMe

I wasn't having a go at you Alisoncam : ) everyone different and we all see things different and we all react differently.

Posted on: August 7, 2010 - 5:33pm
Bubblegum
DoppleMe

And Louise where I am now is because of where I have been : )

What doesn't kill me makes me stronger, or how ever it goes.

Posted on: August 7, 2010 - 5:35pm
hazeleyes
DoppleMe

Oh no Bubblegum, I know you weren't having a go Smile Oh god, is that how my post came across to you? You've actually made me see things a lot more differently.

Posted on: August 7, 2010 - 5:36pm
Bubblegum
DoppleMe

No it didn't but I thought I should say anyway : )

Posted on: August 7, 2010 - 5:43pm
Louise
Parenting specialist
DoppleMe

Yes it is your experiences that make you stronger, and that is true for all of us, I know that, I just wanted to encourage people that are still on the journey. Alisoncam your post did not come across as that at all, Bubblegum was just saying that he respects where you may be on that journey. It's good that we can all be fellow-travellers! Wink

Posted on: August 8, 2010 - 9:32am
hazeleyes
DoppleMe

I went through a rotten journey years ago with my Mum's other children, (no longer call them my family). I thought I was through with all of that, but it appears I'm facing another journey!!

Yesterday I felt very sad, today I feel deflated somehow, if that makes sense. I cannot believe I was so so stupid to let my sister back into my life. She has said such rotten lies about me in the past, really hurtful things. I honestly believed her when she said she'd missed me in her life. Why get back in touch, then go out of her way to hurt not only me, but my 7 year old in the process? That is something I can't get my head around. I am such a ruddy fool

Posted on: August 8, 2010 - 12:55pm
Louise
Parenting specialist
DoppleMe

You're not a fool, alisoncam, you are an optimist, you hoped that the past could remain in the past. It seems not.It's important that you look after yourself and C right now and if someone is hurting you then you need to stay well clear, at least you gave it every chance Smile so feel good about yourself and your generosity but maybe time to change where she is concerned?

Posted on: August 8, 2010 - 5:36pm
hazeleyes
DoppleMe

Your're right Louise, (as always)Cool

Yesterday and today I have stayed cooped up indoors feeling slightly sorry for myself I guess Frown After dinner, C and I went out for a walk, and were attacked by these blessed flying ants!!! They are awful, I think I've actually swallowed one. Now I have visions of it laying eggs or something inside me, YUK.

The weekend has flown by. The weather must be looking good for tomorrow then, if the flying ants are anything to go by.

Hope you're all enjoying the evening.

x

Posted on: August 8, 2010 - 6:54pm
Bubblegum
DoppleMe

I cycle a lot, I've swallowed flies before. One large one hit the back of my thought, I had to stop and drink a whole bottle of water. Really large ones can hurt when they hit you in the face if your going fast.

Very unpleasant.

Posted on: August 8, 2010 - 6:57pm
Louise
Parenting specialist
DoppleMe

Oh yuk, flying ants...don't worry alisoncam, it wouldn't stay alive. Pity you can't eat an extra strong curry to hasten its oblivion with vindaloo fumes heh heh. Although possibly not for breakfast Surprised

Haven't seen the forecast so am not sure of the weather in the next few days. I am going swimming this morning and then the car is going in for the dreaded MOT.

Are you planning any outings today? Or will it be a picnic in the garden?

Posted on: August 9, 2010 - 7:54am
hazeleyes
DoppleMe

Well if the fly isn't dead, it is very lonely inside of me, being on it's own of course, hehe, and no I'm not going to swallow another just to give it some company Tongue out

Not sure what we're doing today, but I must do something with C, if he ever gets up that is!!! We've not seen his schoolfriend who lives just around the corner, so I might wander round there with him later. Weather looks great from in here, so failing that, I might put the pool up. Decisions, decisions Cool

Posted on: August 9, 2010 - 9:37am
Bubblegum
DoppleMe

Surely you're supposed to swallow a spider to get the fly.

Posted on: August 9, 2010 - 9:41am
sparklinglime
DoppleMe

hahahaha!  As Bubblegum says...

The weather here seems to be confusing the ants, as they're milling about but haven't seen any flying ants.  Didn't see any last year either, yet the year before there seemed to be millions covering the paths on the estate - couldn't get to the car without stepping on them.

Hope you're ok.

Rain here, and I have to go and sort out these animals.  She has chickens too.  I hate chickens, I've decided!  Gone off puppies too - so annoying - but that IS good!

Posted on: August 9, 2010 - 9:52am
Louise
Parenting specialist
DoppleMe

(...wonders how long it will take Bubblegum to find a funny version of the "I know a lady who swallowed a fly" song to entertain us with?.......)

Posted on: August 9, 2010 - 10:32am