Blended life with partner

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midgeymoo

I have been with my partner for the past 7 years and we have been living together for the last 5 ½ years. My partner is 43 and I’m soon to be 37.

We met when I was in the process of a divorce (my hubby had an affair prior to our youngest being born) with my 18 month old and 5 month old boys (who are now 7 and 8 yrs respectively). My partner, also going through a divorce had been separated for 4 months from his wife and has 3 children – two girls 5, 8 and a boy 11 at the time we met (now 11, 15 and 18). We had great fun together and got on really well, communication was great, we had lots to talk about, and the children introduced after 6 months of us being together got on really well. My partner and I spent every other weekend together and one or two evenings a week (just us), he worked full time till late evening and I worked part time and cared for my children. When my children were with their dad and I was alone I would travel to see my partner and spend time with/help look after his 3 children. If I was alone with my children my partner never really took any interest. Once the children had been introduced we spent one or both days every other weekend going out somewhere or at one another’s houses - I rented my own place in one town, he was living at his dad's in another town 30 min drive away.

We moved in together in 2006, I moved to the town where my partner lives leaving my family and friends behind with the daunting prospect of having to make new friends and find my way round a new town etc... To top it off, my partners nearly ex wife was having a funny moment and dumped his three children on us on our moving in day (into the house he bought) which freaked me out, three older children to care for, I’d not even grasped looking after my own. After a week they went home but then over the next year his ex dumped them on us frequently for months at a time to go abroad to visit her boyfriend to whom she is now married and has a child with. Before I moved in with my partner I did look at moving in alone into this new town, where we now reside, and then moving in together at a later date when my children were older and my job/career was more established. This I now regrest not having gone ahead with.

 

My partner can be a lovely guy and kind at heart, when he wishes to be, but he is also very insecure, with low self esteem, and clingy to the point where I feel quite trapped and suffocated. But at the same time he’s a bit of a control freak and likes things his way. He says he’s supportive of me and has always ‘let’ me do what I want to without standing in my way. I struggle to agree on this as when decisions are made it’s a case of him asking me to decide and then he says ‘oh no I think we should do this’, I’m left thinking, why the hell bother to ask me in the first place. I always seem to end up taking on his problems, working them through with him, looking after him, nurturing him, looking after his 3 children and the list goes on and there seems to be very little in return other than comments like, ‘I’ve worked hard to put a roof over yours and your children’s heads’, ‘I work all day’.

I've become increasingly more and more unhappy over the last 3 years and have often tried to talk to him about how I feel, but by the end of the talk I end up feeling its all my fault and that I’m not being forgiving enough, I’m left feeling manipulated into a feeling of guilt. Once the talks have ended he vows to ‘try’ so I can have it ‘my way’, things seem to improve for a few weeks and then returns to how it was, it and carries on till the next time when we ‘talk’ again and so on.

On one hand I'm feeling more and more like his mother and on the other more like one of his children, being told what to do. I have lost the closeness I once had with him, I’ve lost any respect for him and trust is an issue (see below), sex is non-existent and I’m becoming more and more frustrated. I have told him exactly how I feel and each time he's said that now it’s in the open we can get it all sorted. But here we are, still the same…

 

Discipline of our children is a huge issue. My partner has always disciplined and controlled his children the way he does now, though he has calmed down a fair bit. His oldest at 18 follows my partner around and sticks like glue. His middle child a girl at 15 is always asking what she should be doing next. Its madness! About 6 months prior to moving in with my ex, I watched him lose it with his children big time, until then he used to shout/yell at them loads, smack and shake them and generally treat them in a way I found disrespectful to the children, but this particular time his ex had dumped them on us and said she no longer wanted them (she'd had a argument with her boyfriend and followed him up north). I can understand he was in turmoil with this but he took it out on the children, and I was mortified. There have been a few occasions where he has flown at my boys – grabbing and dragging them by the arm, shouting at them and most recently, having a right go at my youngest for him calling him a poo poo head?? He asks me why I won't let him into my children’s lives, and I’ve tried to explain why, he took it as me saying he was a naff parent. I have in the past tried to step back a little and let him into the boys lives and he took over, every time I’m dealing with an issue etc, he steps in to take over! I now feel it’s like I can't even parent my boys the way I wish to, I’m apparently not firm enough with the boys, I let them get away with things and they are disrespectful towards him (they call him silly names), I feel like he's trying to take control.
Its difficult trying to discuss behaviour and discipline with him, I by no means want it all my way but I believe in bringing my boys up differently and seeing as his children don't live with us then is there any harm in that? Maybe there is, maybe I’m being unfair, I don't know? He has said to me before that he knows what he is doing; he has been a parent longer than I have and knows that children just do things to wind us up and be naughty. I always thought it was because a child was angry, upset, scared, frustrated, wants some attention whether that be positive or negative, or can't express how they are feeling.
Its really hard for me, I was brought up in a loving family and I’m very much grateful for that. I expected that when I had children it would be the same for my family. I've not yet experienced that warm feeling as I had when i was a child of a family unit except for when I lived alone with my boys, then we were a family. My ex husband had little interest in our oldest and I due to his affair and my dreams of a family were cruelly blown apart whilst I was pregnant with our second. I'd just like to be a family if possible but how can that ever happen if my partner won't hear me?

 

I spend the week, resettling my 2 boys from a weekend at their dad's. Then I have every Thursday here at home shot to pieces along with every other weekend, when my partners children arrive. They arrive on the Thursday eve and on go the Wii, the XBox, the TV, the computer, and on they stay all and I mean all evening. Mr. 18 year old can do no wrong (always been the case since I’ve known him) and the girls can do no right. My partners voice suddenly becomes extremely loud and he shouts, shouting and following around the children (all 5 of them) telling them what to do and standing right behind them as they complete the issued tasks, and I end up running around after everyone like a blue arsed fly, cooking, cleaning, tidying, washing etc!!

When it’s my boys, myself and my partner, my partner leaves me to it loads and unloads the dishwasher, washes up and then watches TV, play XBox or the Wii. At least i have our routine back though, set TV time and console/computer time - switch off at a set time, they help me make their tea etc... Until the next time the partners children arrive and it’s all tits up again! To top it off, my partner says we never spend any time together, and that I don't have time for him, I wonder if it my be because I’m run ragged by this time of night and have very little left for anyone except to hug my duvet and crash out!!

I keep telling myself I should just accept it, that it going to happen and I will have to deal with it best I can. BUT, I’m getting to the point of why the hell should I, especially when I have issues with the ex and work cropping up too. I fed up of being told by my partner that I’m envious because I’m not content and he is… Of course I’m not content. Of course he is, he has it just the way he wants it all at everyone else’s expence.

It’s not like I haven’t tried, I’ve tried very hard as far as I can see. I have been to counseling with my partner for about 6 sessions in the past, he came with me, but he ended it saying we couldn't afford it as a couple and says we don’t really need any help. He also mentioned that before he finally separated from his ex wife, they went to Relate together (he initiated it and made the appt). He wanted to try to save their marriage for the sake of their children. But he doesn't want to see a counsellor again as based on that experience they are no help and only make things worse. Happy to try to save his marriage but what about he and I?? I was a little upset by this to say the least.


I got in touch with the local children’s centre for help – they came over a 12 week period for one to one sessions with me/my partner and me to talk through parenting and issues arising. It seemed to go okay but once the 12 weeks were up the partner stopped trying saying we know it all so why do we need to practice it???

I’ve had hypnoanalysis over 12 sessions last year to help free up deep seated emotions etc – was helpful. Still felt naff though so last month I saw my doctor and I self referred to the local CBT counseling service so am now having CBT counseling. I’ve also self referred to the local MIND Anxiety Management course. I just feel so crap emotionally.

 

We also attempted the Netmums relationship course with 50 questions to answer regarding a relationship. Started okay, then he started cracking hurtful jokes before getting fed up and then digging for an argument. Hence we never finished it.

I’m happy to compromise but I feel like I’ve exhausted all avenues, or maybe it just me, maybe I’m the problem here? I’m not one to give up. I keep trying, but I’m now in the position of really disliking him. I don’t want to kiss him, be touched by or touch him, sleep next to him, talk to him, I feel nothing. I want to feel something, but I feel I’ve at last been tipped over the edge and I don’t know what to do for the best. Part of me wants to stay and keep trying but the rest of me wants to go, be apart maybe and start from scratch or not?? I know I can not change him, but I can change the situation.

 

Any ideas on what to try next - my head says go, my heart says stay...

Posted on: June 7, 2012 - 10:46am
Louise
Parenting specialist
DoppleMe

Hello midgeymoo

Welcome along. I am so sorry to hear how exhausted and unhappy you are.

Before I plunge into what I want to say to you, I would just like to mention three things:

1. Your partner says he is content, yet who would be content to be switched off emotionally, to spend half his leisure screaming at his own daughters and your boys and the other half cutting himself off from his partner by making the TV and Wii his best friends?

2.Relate, and other counselling organisations, are usually excellent but only the couple themselves can make changes and if he is not willing to engage then how can this happen?

3. Thirdly, for you or anyone else that needs the information, there is an online resource called The Couple Connection and a low-cost couples counselling service called Marriage Care (and you don't have to be married)

Okay let's get onto the main topic, which is YOU

Posted on: June 7, 2012 - 12:54pm
Louise
Parenting specialist
DoppleMe

Right, onto the main subject:

Midgeymoo, you deserve more than this. You are not his mother and you are not his child and you need someone who stands shoulder to shoulder with you, who at least tries to love your children (and who commands their respect) Yes it is very, very hard to achieve a balanced blended family and one of the main ways this can be achieved is by the parents working as a team. Ok you may have different parenting styles but you should have enough common ground to be able to overlap to a great extent.

If you do not want to finish the relationship then you don't have to, but you can find your own home with the boys and establish your own family unit.

You have assumed all along that there is something "wrong" with you, you have seen a hypnotherapist, you are currently seeing a CBT counsellor and you are awaiting work on an Anxiety management course, None of these are bad and I am sure that they have been/will be really helpful BUT what work is your partner doing on HIMSELF? It sounds as if he does not want to accept his share of the responsibility for what is going on and yet wants things to revolve around him (like a teenage boy would).

I am sorry if I sound harsh and I hope I have not upset you but I felt very strongly on reading your mail that you needed some tough love so that is what I have given.Please feel free to talk some more to us, we are here for you Smile

Posted on: June 7, 2012 - 1:05pm
sparklinglime
DoppleMe

Hi midgeymoo

Sending loads of hugs your way.

 

Posted on: June 7, 2012 - 1:10pm
midgeymoo

Thanks for your reply and welcoming me to One Space.

My partner says he is content in that he is financially secure - has his life insurance, will, pension, savings etc in place. The house we share is his own (mortgaged), he has his own business, company car etc... He comes and goes as he pleases as such and he has a cook and bottle washer (me). When i mention finances i am in the wrong because i am not contributing enough, he wants more. I tell him that i pay all my own bills and for everything for my children, i look after the house, i cook, i go to work, and i look after everyone. I have no life assurance, no will, no pension, no savings and live in my overdraft. I asked my partner, an independant financial advisor for help, he told me when i moved in to cancel my life assurance as its a waste of money and that he'd sort my pension and will out - i'm still waiting. When i speak about this along with the other matters, its seems to go in one ear and out the other. Its like once we have spoken, its fixed and we can resume romantic relations - hugs, kisses etc. I feel nothing except anger.

He detests my ex, probably because we get on ok and can talk. And he makes rude comments about my ex in front of my boys.

I just don't understand, he asks me to talk, i talk and he doesn't like what i have to say. How does one break the mould. What am i doing wrong? Why can't he hear me? He's told me that all he wants to see is the happy girl he met. Well shes long gone, i'm suffocated. He says that if it takes him helping me to move out and go back to the way we were (extremely tempting) or to end the relationship, to make me happy and bring back the old me then thats what he'll do because he loves me??? I don't get his logic?

I just want to be able to talk, for him to hear and for us to negotiate and compromise to reach a place where we are happy.

If i was as strong when i was married to my ex as i am now, we'd have survived (maybe), perhaps thats why we get on so well now. We got on anyway, but apart we get on better. Strange. Perhaps thats just me?

Sorry, babbling. Thanks for listening.

Posted on: June 7, 2012 - 1:16pm
midgeymoo

i'm so sorry to go on. I would talk to someone but there is no one.

The other thing i get is what has just occured. He asks me 'whats wrong, there is something bothering you isn't there?' I told him i just want to be allowed some time to myself to do my thing and think. My boys are at their dad's for a few days and i'm on hol from work. My partner is on hol too and has 2 of his children here. He wants me to go do family stuff with them - bowling, play games etc.. I just wan to be alone.

This is what followed - 'is it me, its me isn't it' 'i'm sorry, you didn't tell me' (i told him two days ago). 'I'm getting under your feet aren't i' 'we'll go out and be out of your way in a bit' 'i'm sorry' 'can i just sit in the living room for a minute' ....... AAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!

I think deep down i know what i really want to do. I want out, i want my own space just to be me and live true to myself and just see him like i used to. I want to tell him to take a long hard look at himself and sort himself out, stop relying on me. Maybe if that can happen, then one day in the furture us being together might happen and maybe not. But how do you tell someone that doesn't listen? How do you let him down without too much pain?

I want to move on but that little something is holding me back and i can't understand what?

Posted on: June 7, 2012 - 1:32pm
Louise
Parenting specialist
DoppleMe

Hi again

I imagine what is holding you back is....pride. That is not a critical comment; you put your marriage behind you and started this new relationship and in the end you had to take a chance and move to a different town and now you are thinking I want out but that means this is the second time that a relationship has not worked out. Couple that with the "mothering" you have had to do for him (leading to a feeling of responsibility for him) and yes, it becomes diffcult to leave.

Only you can decide what to do but I stand by my views above.

How are you feeling today? Did you manage to get some time on your own?

Posted on: June 8, 2012 - 7:48am
midgeymoo

Hi

I'm feeling kind of okay today, whereas before a good three months ago i would be feeling really upset, i am feeling emotionless if that makes sense.

I did gain a few hours to myself yesterday afternoon, only to be bombarded with, can i get you this, that and the other when he arrived home and when i said no thanks off he went into his 'poor me' role which i asked him not to do and then ignored it.

Anyway, yes, pride... I was thinking last night, in the bath as its the only place i could lock the door and get some space! I was trying to understand what holding me back. One element is as you said, a second relationship not working out. The other as you also said, a feeling of responsibility for him. If i go, hes alone, he has to look after everything - house, shopping, go to work etc. If i go, hes alone. If i go he has to pay for everything, i currently pay for the shopping and tv licence, so he'd have to take them on too leaving him a little more in debt, he may have to sell up or downsize and he'd be back at square one - living with his dad. Its like preparing to leave a child...

I'm also thinking about my boys, would they find it strange visiting a house where they once lived (assuming we stay seeing one another), they may feel upset about someone else having their room?? I would find it strange too..

I don't think its a case that i would miss him, its more that i would be feeling sorrow for him.

He wants us to talk this evening when his children have gone home to their mums. I asked him what the point of talking is, its always the same old thing. He was most patronizing, 'I know theres something wrong, if we talk, we can sort it out'. I think you can understand why i don't think there's much point. Aside from being brutally honest that is... How do you tell someone in the nicest possible way that he is controlling though can't see hes doing it, that his son is a god that can do no wrong, that i'm not his mother or one of his children and that i'm fed up with his pathetic 'poor me, i haven't done anything, i can't do anything right, i'm sorry' attitude. How can i tell him that i find it offensive when he says 'i let you do what you want, and i've always supported you' and it pees me off when he says 'so your envious just because i'm content with my life, because i know what i want', mmm, only because i've been the one making it content for him. I feel so silly, so stupid... So how do i really talk about how i feel - i've tried the assertive, nice, respectful way and its gotten me nowhere. Do i say it exactly how it is? I know i'm feeling hurt, but is it right to hurt someone else the same...

I want to talk to him, but i don't want to, but whichever way i look at it, talking is going to happen and i can say the above or i can say what i've always said and come away feeling guilty, manipulated, frustrated and angry and wait for the next 'talk' whilst he walks away feeling elated that its all out in the open and all ok again.  

Posted on: June 8, 2012 - 10:13am
Anna
Parenting specialist
DoppleMe

Dear midgeymoo, welcome from me! - Ooh I hear your angst and your pain and I feel for you.

What I am getting from your messages is that whatever you say or however you say it, won't actually make a difference - he is going to want you to stay in the home and keep doing what you are doing. He may have said he will help you move out - but I get the feeling that idea was then manipulated into you feeling bad and saying that isn't what you really want.

He is a grown up and has his own responsibilities that aren't your responsibilities. He is 'content' so don't even begin to worry about his financial situation - if you do leave him, you will need to worry about your own.

You recognise that he is controlling, a controlling person will say what you want to hear to get their own way, they will manipulate your frustration/sadness/unhappiness/guilt for feeling the way you do/happiness/caring kindness so that in the end they become in control of it. So please, decide what you want to do and DO IT. You are not responsible for him.

It sounds as though you have tried every which way to make this work, you have tried talking, you have tried changing your own attitude and you are still not happy.

I think that until you know exactly what your next move is going to be, try and be evasive this evening. You need to feel strong when you tell him that you are going to change the situation. And you do need to TELL him rather than discuss it.

If you tell him this evening that you are finding it hard to cope and that you are not feeling happy, it will get twisted, it won't be believed and supported, it may get swept under the carpet, either way, I feel that you won't come out of it feeling any better than before you went in. (Or if you do, it will be shortlived)

He has manipulated you into feeling sorry for him that is why you do a lot of the things that you do for him - so it is completely natural when you say that 'you won't miss him, but you will sorrow for him'. Thats because he has made you care for his every little whim.

If you were to move out - (I think your boys would be supportive and love it) - would you stay in the area??

Posted on: June 8, 2012 - 2:43pm
midgeymoo

Hi Anna

This is exactly how it feels! Whatever I say or however I say it, it never actually makes a difference. Like his ex wife, he wants me here to care for him. Each time I think about moving out and he mentions it, I keep quiet and say nothing because I then feel bad and I do tell him its not what I really want – Wow! I never saw that one coming!

He is content because he has created the life he wants, he would have done the same with or without me moving in. It was his plan to get his own house albeit a 2 bed instead of the 3 bed he bought.

I just feel so silly, I know from about a year after we moved in together that this was not a good situation though I couldn’t figure out why. Now I understand it’s the whole being in control thing. Its immense for him, I feel sorry for him that he has to behave this way.

No wonder I feel so crap after a ‘talk’ with him. my frustration/sadness/unhappiness/guilt for feeling the way you do/happiness/caring kindness is manipulated. Oh my god, I really do feel so silly.. I’ve known what I want for ages and have held back..

I have tried and tried, even taking a long hard look at myself. I have learnt a lot about myself, all for the better. I have really been struggling to understand why I have been feeling so bad – I like my work, I love my children, I have lovely friends, I am a good parent, I like myself – now I think the penny has dropped. Funny how one moment in time can make that happen.

When I talk this evening, how does one be evasive? As I understand it, I think you mean that I need to be telling him exactly what I want to happen? For example – I wish to deal with a situation with my children and for you to remain in the background and support me rather than take over? Is that the kind of thing you mean?

If I were to move out, which I must admit makes me smile at the thought of some freedom, I would stay in the area as my friends are close by as is the boys school and their friends. I’ll be honest, I have already, over the last month, looked into housing options, finances etc, so I don’t feel afraid of that fortunately.

Posted on: June 8, 2012 - 3:26pm
Louise
Parenting specialist
DoppleMe

Ah so you have done some practical research, well done you, that is exactly what I would have done! Wink

As for being evasive, if he asks to have a talk, just say I dont feel like it, or I am going for a walk or I am just feeling out of sorts at the moment, don't worry about it...until you are actually ready to say something. And I agree with Anna, it is TELLING, not discussing. You asked about setting new boundaries with him and your boys, well that is Ok but not the focus here. I do believe you will see things much more easily once you are living independently again and you will then make decisions about how much time to spend at his house etc.

The sort of things you need to "tell" him if you do decide to move out are that you have not felt happy and that the only way you can go on with the relationship is for you to have your own place and for the two of you to go back to "dating" You don't have to go into all the whys and wherefores, just say all I know is I am not happy as we are and the two choices I now have are to move out or to split up. It's scary facing up to it but worth it, if the alternative is that you continue to feel like this.

Posted on: June 8, 2012 - 4:57pm
midgeymoo

I have been researching on and off for the last 3 years. The last 2 months i've been doing alot more. I spoke to a letting agent this afternoon querying where i stand with regards to renting privately etc. She was very helpful and i decided to view one of the properties for rent next Monday.

He is still pressurising me to talk this evening. The bit you mentioned last about needing to "tell" him that i wish to move out and that I have not felt happy and that the only way I can go on with the relationship is for me to have my own place and for the two of us to go back to "dating" is what i have been wishing to say for the last 3 years, but i kept telling myself that i need to try harder so could never bring myself to say it. I even tried sleeping in another room to create space, but he was on at me how silly it was and how he missed me beside him so i returned to normal.

I can see now what was happening, i understand now and i'm not afraid to TELL him what 'I' want to do.

I have my friends and family around me to help for which i am extremely grateful. He will be ok, he has 'his' house and everything is his anyway if he decides to sell it. He has his pension, life assurance etc, hes sorted, hes ok. I want to make my boys and i ok now. I want to be able to provide a future for them and myself. I was adament that when i was earning enough i would be able to help more financially, but seeing how selfish my partner has been in making sure he is all sorted and ignoring my plea for some advice, i am adament now that i need to provide for my boys and i.

I'll see how this evening goes. Thank you so much for listening and your replies, i hadn't been very clear and i couldn't see what i was stalling for. It makes alot of sense now. I'm very grateful, thanks.

I'll see how this evening goes, but if not tonight then definately tomorrow i'll talk.

Posted on: June 8, 2012 - 6:29pm
midgeymoo

Hi

So we talked. I didn't really want to and i told him i didn't. He basically had a little paddy, saying 'i've geared myself up for this evening, you said you'd talk, why won't you, please talk now', i said no i want to talk on saturday, and asked what he'd geared himself up for, his reply, 'i'm geared up for an arguement, no only joking, i'm just ready because you said you'd talk, i want to talk now, please, you said you would'. It was annoying to witness, i gave in and said give me half an hour and i'll talk, about what i didn't know.

So anyway, 9pm and yawning away, i sat down to talk. He said 'right whats wrong' and i replied 'you are the one who wanted to talk, so please talk'. He said 'i am. About us. So whats wrong'. I told him its about what we always talk about. I went on to say about how upset i feel when he steps in when i'm dealing with a situation with my boys and how i feel undermined. His reply 'I don't think i do that do i?'. I felt myself getting angry, i stopped that part of the conversation in its tracks as he then went on about how hard he trys. He said 'its obviously me, so what is it'. I told him i find him controlling and manipulative and doesn't realise he does it, i also told him he relies on me heavily and i cater for all his needs which is why he feels content, to which he disagreed and asked for examples which i gave 'i don't do that, i ask you, i always ask you' and 'i do lots for you, i look after you, i support you, i do lots of things around the house to help, i look after myself' he said. Well i could feel my anger rising and i blurted out that i'm not happy etc and want to move out and return to dating. I didn't even feel like saying it, its why i didn't want to speak, i just felt so pressured. Angery comments from me followed - 'i didn't want to talk, i told you i wasn't ready' i said, he said 'well at least its in the open, thats all i wanted you to do, talk and bring it out in the open. Please don't be angry' and with this comment he went from 'poor me' to speaking to me like one of the children which sourced my anger further. I reminded him that i have always tried to talk and bring things into the open, but he fails to hear me.

So anyway, he stifled a few tears, i didn't know what to do, i part wished to hug him, but i sat arms folded, legs crossed. He then went on about, 'do you love me, you don't do you, you don't even find me attractive, how can you love me if you want to move out?. What did you like about me when we met? You won't even come near me and we haven't had sex for ages, its like you've blanked me, shut me out, hate me' and on and on. Usually i'd have felt cut up about it all, been in tears and sobbing, but this time i felt strangely calm though a little angered by some comments. He then asked 'so how is this going to work? we go back to dating, we won't see each other much will we, i'm afraid it will fizzle out if you move and it will end' 'so we'll see each other at weekends with and without the kids and then return to our houses, you lead your life i lead mine and we do our own thing?' 'we won't see each other much, i work late so it'll be home from work, load/unload dishwasher, tidy up and bed'. I said that if i didn't have the children during the week i could see him, but as i have i can't. He was like oh. This made me think, how selfish.. when we first met he would travel to me 30mins away after work once a week and stay over and his work place is 30min the opposite direction from where he lived so triple journey to see me. Now we'd be living 5 min drive or 10 min walk apart and thats not possible? How commited is he to this relationship sorting itself out and working?

Anyway converstion moved on to practicallities of me moving, i mentioned the cost of rent and he was like wow thats alot how you going to afford the deposit etc.. He asked 'what are we going to say to everyone?' before i could answer he said 'we'll tell them that its crowded and we are finding it hard when all the children are here so we've decided on separate houses so i relationship doesn't fail'. Mmm... ok i said. He than went on planning the future 'so you move out, and when your 2 are 18 or move out then we'll move back in together and take up where we left off'.

It was a weird talk. I cam away feeling strange, like i'd made a good decsion but not. Like i wanted to go ahead with this, don't. I felt weird, best way i can describe it, not upset, not angry anymore, kind of calm but sad and felt sorry for my partner. I feel quite the same this morning. Its like what i've said hasn't really sunk in. Its what i've been trying to say to him, but now i've said it, it somehow seems wrong. Maybe its because i wasn't quite ready to talk.

So part of me 80% wants to go ahead, 20% wants to pull out, its the head v's the heart thing. But i don't want to stay because i'm in love, i love him, but i'm not in love with him at the moment, i want to pull out because i feel sorry that i've hurt him, because i feel a nasty person. Its all quite confusing. I know this relationship is not right for me as it is, but i know i don't want to end it. I want to return as we were and work on it. I need space.

I think at the start of our relationship, i was still reeling over my ex and had lots to deal with. i got swept up with my partner and then started helping him get over his marriage and left my issues by the by. Once i got my partner back on his feet, i realised i'd left myself behind and felt resentful. My partner wanted more from me and i struggled to give. After then having taken the time to sort myself and my feelings out, i think i realised i needed space just to be me, which is what i have never given myself.

Anyway. Feeling weird and need to ponder. Thanks for listening

Posted on: June 9, 2012 - 8:12am
ChaCha
DoppleMe

Hi midgeymoo,

I've been reading your posts, you sound such a lovely person. I am no way an expert and I'm still trying to find my feet after my husband left us, but from what your saying I think you and your boys moving out will do you all the world of good.  If its meant to be, it will happen and your relationship will get better.  If the worst does happen and it fizzles out then at least you have your freedom to be with yourself and your boys and who knows what might come your way.

Lots of hugs..

X

Posted on: June 9, 2012 - 8:30am
Louise
Parenting specialist
DoppleMe

Well said, Cha Cha Smile

I imagine one the the reasons you feel a bit weird is his reaction.....what will we tell everyone? (surely that is the LAST consideration?)...and then very quickly a "solution" so it "looks Ok", we will move back in again once the children are older. This was him taking charge of the situation and so you had built yourself up to taking control of what was happening and he sort of pulled the rug from under your feet. Does that make sense?

Just let the dust settle and go ahead with your house viewing and you will feel a lot more resolved as the next few days go on.

 

Posted on: June 9, 2012 - 9:00am
midgeymoo

Yes. His reaction was rather strange, maybe thats what he was really gearing himself up for as i don't think i've ever been this distant towards him. I felt so bad bottling everything up, it was easier to shut him out than to live the pain, but it was affecting everything. I haven't meant to be mean towards him, its because i hurt so much. I know my words etc over the last few months have been harsh and snappy, but its just how i felt inside. Anyway, i've been bit up and down this morning, a sense of freedom but a small sense of loss too. A slight fear, but happiness also. Strangely i feel happy. My partner is calm, chatty, a little distant maybe today. We seem like good friends at the moment.

Yes. he did seem to take charge of the situation after i had told him and i think thats why i felt frustrated and a little angry at the time. He also asked that when i move out does that mean i will feel close to him again and want sex?? I could go on, but i shant, i'm just out of sorts. Taking the rug from under my feet, that makes alot of sense.

I texted my ex this morning, wanted to know how my boys are and also i wanted to ask him a question. I told him how it felt when he said he no longer wished to be with me, he said he was no longer in love with me, i told him it hurt like hell. I think because i know how it feels i can imagine how A is feeling and i feel cruel for it, but kind because its for the better. I asked my ex, Did he feel as bad as i feel telling me he no longer wished to be with me? Ok the circumstances were a little different, he'd been having an affair, i found out and confronted him. Anyway, he said it was the hardest descion he'd ever made and he felt awful. Thats kind of how i feel.

Cha Cha, i just wanted to say, it was a struggle when my ex left me, our eldest son and my unborn child, i felt all sorts of emotion. With help and support from One Space and others it gets easier and slowly you carve a new life out for yourself. I think thats me again now too, through my own choice this time. But though it seems tough at the moment Cha Cha, it gets better.

Back to my muddled thoughts now. I had a weak moment this morning, where i thought i'd made a big mistake, that i should say sorry and take it back. But, no, that would be the mistake. I think i'm in disbelief that i even said it, thats the thing.

Waffling on again, sorry. I think my boys and his children will be ok. I just need to think about how to break it to them, i want to help them to all understand. thats my main worry, the children

Posted on: June 9, 2012 - 12:20pm
Louise
Parenting specialist
DoppleMe

We are all here for you

Posted on: June 9, 2012 - 5:32pm
midgeymoo

Hope its ok to come on and just chat away. It really helps.

Yesterday, my partner was like a chatty friend raising a smile and a laugh here and there and kind of generally behaving like nothings been said, but thats pretty normal after one of our talks to be honest. Hes asking if i'm ok, would i like a drink etc, normal enough. But when he talks to me and i reply, he appears disinterested in my reply and walks away still chatting. We went to the cinema last night, he told me there was a film he wished to watch and then asked which time we should go, i said one time and then he rebuked it and weighed up both times before making a decision regardless of my answer, why ask. We also went into town, he walked his extemely fast pace (he usually paces it so i can keep up), leaving me behind and talked to me ignoring my replies. When we went to the cinema, i reached out to hold his hand and he limply held it, shaking the grip on entering the cinema. We sat together and he chatted and joked. I was a little chilly during the film and he offered his coat, i said not, so he put it round me anyway and rubbed my arm puling me closer. Hes also mentioned things like - in our house (hes always said 'his house') we could do with a big cinema screen and L (my youngest) would love this cricket bat (he never mentions my youngest, its always my oldest) and maybe in the summer we could do this ... and this ... Its strange, hes blowing hot and cold on me, i guess thats normal? or is it a control thing? As for me i find it upsetting, i don't know if i'm coming or going and am tempted to appologise and stay and work it all out. But i know the minute i say i'll stay, he'll revert to normal.

Confused!...

Posted on: June 10, 2012 - 8:37am
Anna
Parenting specialist
DoppleMe

Wow midgeymoo, so much has happened since we last spoke Surprised

I was suggesting that you didn't 'have the talk' until you were absolutely sorted and had accomodation ready etc, so that you were absolutely certain it was what you wanted and it would have been impossible for you to have been swayed. However, in a way you were pushed into this situation.

You weren't ready to talk - he persisted - not respecting your wishes.

He didn't listen to what you were saying at all. From what I can gather you were saying you weren't happy, but you still wanted a relationship with him, but needed to make some changes for yourself. He took it to be all about him and chose to believe that you don't want him anymore.

Are you going to see the accommodation today? Fingers crossed that it is suitable because I am wondering how long you can both live under the same roof, it sounds  very unhealthy, you don't need to be treated like this after your honesty and quite frankly you haven't been horrible, yes, he has a right to be hurt - of course, but a healthy partnership decision would be, lets make this work however possible.

He is someone who is used to looking out for himself and you are used to looking after everyone else, so of course you will be questioning yourself.

Deep down you know it is the right thing, but it is a life change that you are taking on and that is nerve wracking. I think it takes a very brave person to end a relationship that is not making them happy - it is all too easy to 'just carry on', but what example is that to set for the boys.

Of course you just want to be held by him and told that it will be all ok, but it isn't and you are going to have to go through this difficult time to get a positive result. I don't think many people who split up with partners have an easy time, so just accept that you will feel a bit rubbish for a time, you are in a transitional period.

Once you find somewhere to live, I think that you will find it easier to tell the boys, because you will feel a weight lifted and hope for a happier you Smile

Posted on: June 11, 2012 - 10:25am
midgeymoo

Hi again

It's so very true, deep down i do know it is the right thing, and it is the impending change that is nerve wracking. I could 'just carry on', but i am sincerely not behaving like 'me' and being miserable, unhappy, snappy, sad etc is a naff example to be setting for my boys, which in itself upsets me. I feel cross with myself for a) concentrating so hard on spending so little time with my boys through the rigmarole of attending to a divorce b)putting my partners problems ahead of my own when we first met c)knowing that my partner wasn't quite right even before we moved in, yet giving him the benefit of the doubt and trying. Still whats the point of being cross, it doesn't help and i can't change the past can i? So future it is..

Yesterday, my partner was behaving like nothing has happened, he came to watch my oldest play footy, shouting from the sidelines what he should be doing, playing with my youngest, playing in the parents v's kids footy game, organising the cricket game the children were trying to organise themselves. He cooked the evening meal like he always does on a Sunday. He chatted away to me, actually paying me attention, putting me up on his shoulders to take photos of my boys footy team. I wonder though if its because he was around all my mum friends at the match whom he knows and chats to, and my parents were there too. He even managed a kiss at bedtime, and before he went off to work today, it was just like 'dating'?

I never expected to have an easy time and yes it is hard to accept from both parties. The thing is, i can't and don't want to return to normal and just carry on because i'll end up hating him (i know thats a very strong word, dislike maybe). We can't start mending the relationship whilst living together. We both need time apart, me to regain a sense of self and enjoy my children growing up, my partner to realise what hes doing (hopefully). We both need to relearn/revisit what makes us tick as a couple as well as alone and find a renewed respect for one another. I feel that if we return to dating, take a step back, then we can move forward and our relationship can be revivied and we'll be back living together one day, when we're really ready to this time. Also, it will give my partner time to be with each and all of his children, time for them to do their own thing (with my boys not here, they seemed more chilled and were doing things they like to without my boys craving for them all to play). Does that all make sense?

Just a thought, i had thought about my partner moving into his dads, but this is his house, not mine and i'd feel bad asking to be honest. There's also his children who come and stay, it would be like turning them out of their second home. No, not a wise thought..

I am at fault too, i realise that, i moved in with my partner when i wasn't really ready or sure, it was a big step to take and i jumped in both feet, i had my rose tinted glasses on, it'll be great. I didn't bank on finding being a 'stepmum' so hard emotionally. I thought i could handle it all, i had two children, must be a doddle. How wrong was i. I moved in having not really dealt with all my own baggage. I slipped into my role as mum, housekeeper etc etc and bang, after a while it felt shit, in hindsight i should have a)moved into my own place in the new town first b)been stronger and told him thats what i wanted as a first step c)took things more slowly. Funny thing love isn't it, powerful stuff, bit like a magnet. So i guess my partner is not all to blame. Though i have tried to explain all this before and it fell on deaf ears. Do you think it would be wise to tell him how i see things working out and how i am part to blame?

However, aside form things, strangely i feel happier knowing i have made the desicion i've been trying to make for the last 3 or more years. I'm being optimistic, i want it to work out, but time apart is needed to do it.

As for the property viewing today, i had a call this morning, its been snapped up. I'll be keeping my eyes peeled though. I anticipate leaving everything in the house and taking only what my boys need (contents of their room, toys etc) and my computer cupboard. The rest i will source second hand or appeal to friends and family for donations. The reason being is if i move out and its only for a short period, say 6 months, then lots of money hasn't been spent. Maybe if i mention this also, he may understand?

I keep thinking that i will miss certain things, like movie evenings with all the children, bbq's and family gatherings, my partner next to me. But to be honest, we can still have movie evenings, etc and my partner will be next to me just not all of the time. Silly really.

Sorry to waffle on again, but thanks all the same

Posted on: June 11, 2012 - 12:46pm
Louise
Parenting specialist
DoppleMe

Hi midgymoo

It sounds as if you are really getting your head round the practical implications of moving out. As for whether to speak to your partner about how you see things working out, I would play that one by ear and have the speech ready for the next time he is feeling insecure or wanting to talk.

Posted on: June 12, 2012 - 8:10am
Anna
Parenting specialist
DoppleMe

Good luck with the house search the sooner you are out, the sooner you can start looking to the future.

You are in a vulnerable position right now, I take it your partner hasn't asked you any more about what you have said? This in itself tells me that he is not acknowledging it and is trying to believe that everything will go back to normal, so keep your guard up and please don't have a drink together Surprised Things can get more complicated.

Change can be unnerving, but that doesn't mean to say that it is wrong. It can be a very empowering process. Keep talking to us and sharing what is going on for you Smile

Posted on: June 12, 2012 - 6:55pm
midgeymoo

No partner not mentioned a thing since last Friday, just buried his head in the sand as per normal and behaving as though nout has happened, just like i new he would. I'm kinda wise to it though, i don't see past it anymore. Hes hoping that if he says and does nothing then i'll forget about it, apologise and it will all be forgotten.

I don't drink, so not likely to get caught up in that one. We don't tend to go out much for a drink these days, only if with friends.

As for house hunt, not going too well at the moment, but thats not to say theres nothing round the corner Smile.

Felt full of emotion today, anger on one part for feeling so taken for granted, ignored etc.. the other sadness and tears for what was. Was glad my parents were round this eve, someone to talk to at ease, was nice.

Spoken to my boys about us perhaps having our own house - asked them what would it feel like to have our own space, our own house. My youngest was like, YES! but my oldest, who gets on with my partner purely through shared interest and the fact that he is quite laid back, was like, mmm, i don't know mummy, will i still see the others (my partners children). DOn't wish to just spring things on them so thought i'd just talk here and there about how they feel about different things.

Change is definately tough sometimes, but yes, can be for the best.

Posted on: June 12, 2012 - 11:34pm
Anna
Parenting specialist
DoppleMe

Hi midgeymoo, its bizarre behaviour really isn't it? If someone said to you that they were going to turn your world upside down, then you would want to ask them all sorts of questions like When, How, What will happen, Are you OK etc etc. But I have to say if he thinks that you will 'just forget about it' he must have a pretty low opinion of the relationship and your commitment to it.

I have all my fingers and my toes crossed for your house hunt - have you looked on Gumtree in your local area?

I am glad that you had your parents round last night, it sounds as though they are supportive, are they backing your decision?

Your youngests response to the news was great Smile Perfect, but obviously hearing that your eldest was slightly concerned can make you feel wobbly. However you don't know what the future holds, you are just ensuring that the 'now' is going to be more comfortable for you which in turn will have a knock on effect.

Please keep positive, even through the sad and tough times.

Posted on: June 13, 2012 - 5:51pm
midgeymoo

It is very bizarre. Its like the whole situation didn't and doesn't exist as far as he is concerned. He's not asked to talk or anything, nothing. However, it is helping to cemment my desicion as i feel like i or the relationship have never really been important to him. He is however being really nice to my eldest and unnervingly nice to my youngest.

Will check out Gumtree thanks. My parents are behind me all the way, they've never told me what to do, they've always listened and stood by me whilst i come to my own desicions. They are fab parents, they really are.

Posted on: June 14, 2012 - 9:39am
Louise
Parenting specialist
DoppleMe

That's good, midgymoo, and I am glad to hear that you have some support and your mind is feeling much clearer

Posted on: June 14, 2012 - 2:30pm
midgeymoo

Aaaaaarrrrrrrggghhh....

I'm so sorry to off load yet again.

I'm actually now not sure if my partner has really understood the situation. His eldest daughter (15) copped a strop last night just before she retired for bed, I haven't a clue wot about. Anyway he dealt wiv it by shouting her down. Then he came to ask me wot was wrong wiv her, wot if anything had happened upstairs whilst I was up here. I said nothing that I know of happened, I didn't hear or see anything. He asked me the same questions. A further three times! I answered the same a further three times a little more agitated wiv each answer. He then snaps back that he was only asking and trying to jus hav a normal conversation and just to talk to me. I asked what more of n answer he wanted and then ran very slowly through my answer again, step by step. I was frustrated by then. He then adopted the'poor me' attitude, 'oh, ok' and walked off to sulk. Then he hops into bed next to me, sulk over, and says 'give me a cuddle please and pulls me close and then leans in to kiss me goodnight. I felt awkward, cross, jus wanted to wriggle away. To him there is nothing wrong. To him all is normal and hes started asking again, 'whats wrong, are u ok?, can i have a hug' ???!!! Now this morning I being told that my birthday surprise (my birthday is in July) will be delayed, and he hopes thats ok, he tried to book something for my birthday but I couldn't so it'll hav to be the weekend after!!!

How can I hav ignored or never seen the way he behaves, the way he is in the past. To be honest i saw it there and chose to believe things would improve because we could work at it. Why did i behave so blindly to it? I should have gone ahead with my own plans to get my own place closer to him... Ok, i know, negative talk, past is past, can't change it can i, can only move forward and understand what has happened in the past.

Got all the children this weekend. How am i going to tell them all that i want to move out. I feel quite protective of the girls and i do look out for my partners elder son, help him where i can. And my boys, they get on well with his children. I just want my life back and to be a fun mum not a miserable unhappy one.

This is all so crazy... Thats not to say i've changed my mind though because i haven't. Filled in an application for housing yesterday and rang/emailed all the letting agents in my area. Started looking for second hand furniture etc..

Posted on: June 16, 2012 - 12:07pm
Louise
Parenting specialist
DoppleMe

Hi midgymoo

You must remember that you are not "the baddie" in this situation, merely for wanting your own space. In fact we could say that your partner has very strongly contributed to the situation by behaving in such a way as YOU NEED to have your own space! However, be prepared that he may try to cast you as the baddie Undecided

Once you are living apart then it will give you the time and opportunity to reflect more about this relationship. I am thinking that from what you have told him, he is expecting the relationship to continue on a fairly involved basis even though living in separate houses, and in that respect, talking about your birthday surprise is quite a reasonable thing to do. I get the feeling that you want to withdraw more from him than "just" living in different homes.

Posted on: June 17, 2012 - 7:54am
midgeymoo

To be honest, I have always been the one cast as the baddie, I have been told I don’t support him enough, I don’t understand how hard he works and how long a day he has, I don’t understand how stressed he feels, I have never seen us as all one big happy family, I shut people out, I could go on but would run out of fingers and toes…

I’m always to blame, or after conversation it always appears to have been my fault. I’m not perfect and I may play my part now and again in fault but I’m not afraid to admit it or try to do something about it, trouble is it always appears to be me doing something about it, trying ever harder. Sorry, am just cross, frustrated… The long and short of it is that I can’t think straight and I crave space just to exist.

Reflection is what I appear to be going through at present and this is not good being that I am still in close proximity, it’s not helpful and I end up feeling ever more resentful, angry, frustrated with my partner.

I can see that his forward planning is a sign of him expecting the relationship to continue. I feel cross though that our ‘talk’ has been cast aside considering his past comments/offers of ‘if it takes you moving out to make you feel happy again and be the girl I met, then I’ll do everything to help you’. Now the reality has hit, there’s no help nothing and him just carrying on, chatting as though nothing has been said has hit a nerve if you see where I am coming from?

Over the last week, everything he has said or done I have felt annoyed, cross or generally fed up with, I’m questioning everything that ever was between us, I’ve even thought of just ending it, full stop. I’m in a fight with my feelings right now, I’m not sure why? I was asked by a friend yesterday ‘what is the one thing that makes your partner that special person in your life right now in June 2012?’ I’m stumped, I can’t find an answer, I have no answer and I’m not sure or maybe even afraid of what that really means. I feel nothing except numb towards him at this moment in time??

I’m not 100% sure what living in separate homes will mean, I picture him in the scene, but it doesn’t feel right??

Posted on: June 17, 2012 - 9:38pm
Anna
Parenting specialist
DoppleMe

Hi midgeymoo

I think as women we have a really hard time when it comes to asking for things that benefit us. We spend a lot of time catering for everyone elses needs and don't necessarily feel that we should want or need anything more than what we have got.

You have done some soul searching, realised that you need and want some space, then you gathered your strength and verbalised this to your partner. Naturally hoping that your wishes would be heard, supported and respected by the one you share your life with. Unfortunately it seemed that you have had none of these things, that is why you are feeling like you are.

You are seeing that the one time that you ask for something for yourself, it is being ignored. This may have happened in the past in your relationship, but previously you have chosen to ignore it. Anyhow, this is the here and now.

I think once you are in your own place, you will be clearer about what you want to do about the relationship. If you were to end it right now, you may find that because of the emotional turmoil you could get reeled back in and back where you started.

Do you think your boys will have mentioned anything to the other children?

Posted on: June 18, 2012 - 12:07pm
midgeymoo

Hi Anna

I understand what you are saying, it makes perfect sense. I haven't said anything to my boys other than asked them what kind of house they would choose if they and i had of moved into our own place when we first came to this town, not actually told them that i'd like to move as yet. Not sure if my partner has mentioned anything to his three?

One of the reasons i've not said anything to my boys is because i have been looking into the financial side of renting a property etc and benefits i am entitled to - went to the CAB today. The maximum i would be eligible to claim for housing benefit as an unemployed single parent in this area would be £121 per week which equates to £520 ish per month - the most i could get is a one bedroom house at £600 per month in this area. I would need to be looking at finding an extra £80 to £100 per month to secure anything. My job contract ends at the end of Jly, so i'll be out of work from then though i hope to be able to find something else. However if i work then the benefits decrease so i could still find myself out of pocket.

I know it sounds silly, but i'm reluctant to claim homelessness as i am afraid of being housed in the middle of nowhere in a b and b with a view to housing being found at a later date. And i don't wish to drag my boys from one house to another with a view to moving again so quickly. Forgive me for sounding so predujice, i really don't understand how the housing system works but i am aware if offered a council property/rent, thay are normally 5 year terms?

I suppose i could rent a one bed property, my boys could have the double room upstairs and i could have a sofa bed downstairs? I'm a bit reluctant to have a flat or appartment as i'd like to have a garden so my boys can go out to play and i know that they will be safe. I know this all sounds so silly. Maybe i'll check out some flats and appatments anyway and see what 'play space' is nearby?

Feel bit down today, to be expected i guess, glad to be able to talk to you on here though, its ahuge help to just let it all out and just feel heard. Thank you Smile

Posted on: June 18, 2012 - 1:54pm
midgeymoo

How am I supposed to respond to my partner when all I wish to say is 'like father, like son'?

He came home early today along with his eldest daughter. He was called into the school because the head teacher needed to talk to him about a matter that they couldn't discuss wiv his ex wife. He told me that the school had been contacted due to an incident witnessed where by his daughter had been thrown into a fence.
Wot happened was, my partner's ex had left everyone's piles of folded washing on the floor for them to put away. His daughter couldn't find her p.e. Kit so started throwing the washing everywhere. His son said to her 'ur going to fold that up and tidy away' to which his daughter replied 'no I'm not'. His son grabbed his sister by the arm and pulled her up and she retaliated, he then dragged her out the door, and pushed her into the gate which collapsed with her weight. Their mum new nothing bout it and their step dad saw my partner's son fixing the gate when he woke up. No one said anything bout it. My partner spent the afternoon speaking to the school wiv his daughter and his ex and he then sat down this eve has had a talk to the children, no consequence for the behaviour was issued as has always been the case wiv his son, but the school have referred the case on to a second party. My partner told his son, he's 18 and he's going to get annoyed by lots of people but that he can't go round hitting and pushing them about, he should know better. And that he can't go round dragging his sister bout, coz it's not right. He said that hopefully this incident would be enough to put the wind up his son and he won't do it again.

Then my partner turned to ask me, how could this happen, I don't know where I went wrong!?! His son has not only hurt his sister but has the possibility of the both him and his family being scrutinised by social services.

I kept my mouth shut firmly the whole time. How do I be responsive when i have nothing positive to say.

It just gets better...

Posted on: June 18, 2012 - 10:11pm
Louise
Parenting specialist
DoppleMe

At 18, this boy is plenty old enough to know this was wrong. Once again you partner has become the victim "Oh where did I go wrong?"

Continue your housing search, midgymoo, that is the key to the headspace you need. Have you been in touch with our Housing Expert to see if there are any other options you could consider?

Posted on: June 19, 2012 - 8:42am
Anna
Parenting specialist
DoppleMe

How frustrating midgeymoo, that poor girl, not only did she get hurt but her brother recieved no consequences.

I got the impression that you had asked the boys about moving into your own space and the youngest was in agreement, but the eldest wasn't so sure?

Keep going with the housing and think positively, the right thing will show itself. Has your ex still not said anything about 'the conversation' that you had?

Posted on: June 19, 2012 - 5:01pm
midgeymoo

Thanks, i'll send a message to the housing expert and see what other options may be available. I have booked viewings for 3 properties over the next few days - two 2 bed maisonettes, and one 1 bed house.

I did ask my boys how they would feel if we had a house of our own, and sorry, yes, your quite right, one was in agreement and the other not too sure.

My partner still hasn't said anything about our conversation, which was nearly two weeks ago now, no questions, nothing. He has jus gone on with daily life as though it never happened which is slightly unnerving. We are talking, though i must admit i really don't feel like saying much, i don't feel much in the way of affection towards him, i kiss him goodbye when he or i are leaving the house. He on the other hand asks for cuddles or grabs me for a cuddle and a kiss, and snuggles up next to me in bed. Its weird... If it were me, i'm not sure i would be behaving so casually, but then its not me.. i'm not sure i really matter to him, or ever have, bit confused really, but am sticking to my guns.

Posted on: June 19, 2012 - 11:22pm
Louise
Parenting specialist
DoppleMe

Let us know how you get on with the viewings and what the housing expert says. Not trying to put a cat amongst the pigeons here but I wonder if he thinks you "don't really mean it"?

Posted on: June 20, 2012 - 7:52am
midgeymoo

Heard back from the housing expert today, she said my most realistic option would be to rent privately. As it is much quicker than waiting to be rehoused on a Council waiting list due to the critical shortage of properties.

I looked at 3 properties today, all of which are fairly new build - the one bed house is extremely small, so one bed is not really an option. In the 2 bed apartments, though in great condition, the second bedrooms were tiny and even bunk beds would be a squeeze.

So, anyway, its helped me to decide that a 2 bed house would be the ideal option especially if its a new build or maybe an older build 2 bed house or flat. So all was not lost today.

I'll be honest, my partner seems to think i am just kidding and that i don't mean what i said. Do you think i should mention something? Maybe remind him? Tell him that i've been viewing properties and speaking to my boys? That  i've spoken to my parents etc.. How do i tell him though, when he only seems to hear what he wishes to hear? I don't wish to enter into another of our fruitless talks, i don't wish to argue or be on the brunt of his anger/poor me behaviour even though I feel like shouting and screaming until maybe i'm heard and taken seriously..

Its just like normal around here, i'm running round like a blue bummed fly looking afer the house, working, looking after my boys, catering for his children etc.. Hes doing like he normally does and appears happy and content, planning this and that, playing with my boys, engaging with my youngest, stepping in when i'm dealing with something etc.. Apart from my lack of affection for him, nothing has changed.

So sorry to go on, best to keep talking hey Smile

Posted on: June 20, 2012 - 10:00pm
midgeymoo

Sorry to return so soon. Just in tears, not feeling strong, messed up in head. my parents left and i sat to read a magazine, he sat down and asked me what has happened since we last sat down to talk. Said he has been giving me space to think. I told him i'd been looking at houses, finances etc and had told my parents and no one else. He said he feels shocked. he says if i move out he sees it as the end, i said i view it differently. He told me i am being very negative about our relationship and am not seeing any positives from the past. He said we had good times. And i agreed, yes we did. He asked if i love him and i told him that i love him but that i am not in love with him. He couldn't understand this and said to him it means i no longer want to be with him. He asked me why i no longer cuddle or kiss him, he asked if he could have a cuddle, he asked why i don't like to be near him. He asked so many things.

I felt myself getting more and more angry with him but upset and wanting to cry too and i even found myself laughing even when it wasn't funny. I felt awkward and defensive. I started mentioning silly things like i'm fed up with playing mummy to him, fed up of washing, cooking etc, bored, that i feel like i'm always moaning, whining and nagging. He told me that if cooking was a prob then i should let him know in advance and he could cook for himself or us. He told me that all the housework could be left and that on his own he would have to do it all anyway. He started reminding me of the odd times that hes been supportive or listened to me.

He said that we could make a start by me telling him the days that i would like him to cook. I asked why now, why couldn't you have listened before now. He said he did and that that was the past we can do nothing about so we can make small steps now. I said that there are so many things that need addressing and so many steps to take. He said maybe from today on we should said dates to sit and talk and set steps, plan things etc - i got cross with this, his planning, his way, his thing HIM HIM HIM!!!!

He said that we need to talk. I said we obviously can't, we need help. He replied, its easy, we just need to make time to sit down and talk.

I couldn't take any more, i asked to stop talking and that i would talk at lunch tomorrow.

I feel so crap, i'm wide awake, my head is spinning, i feel cross, angry, upset, frustrated, i don't know, i feel everything right now. I'm well confused. I want to hug him, i want to knock him flat, i wan thim to hold me, i want to push him as far away as possible. I wan to stay, see a counsellor, i want to go... Really, truely, I DON'T KNOW!!

I'm so sorry to go on, really i am. I just need to talkFrown

Posted on: June 20, 2012 - 11:43pm
Louise
Parenting specialist
DoppleMe

Oh, midgymoo, talk about a shocker!

No-one else can tell you what to do unfortunately...(wouldn't it be great if we knew an oracle person?) so if you want, then just sit with it for a while. I have been getting the feeling from your recent posts that you wanted not only to move from the house but also to consider ending the relationship altogether so this must feel like a real bolt from the blue. Let the dust settle (AGAIN!) but do remember that second-best is not good enough...can he offer you the "first-best" that you deserve?

Posted on: June 21, 2012 - 7:32am
Anna
Parenting specialist
DoppleMe

Hi from me too midgymoo, it is so confusing isn't it?

I imagine that he was pretty shocked to hear that you had been looking at houses and into finances, he obviously realised that he needed to sit up a bit.

Although he is now saying that things could change, I too am getting the impression, that this wouldn't change how you feel.

As Louise says, just sit with it for a while, do not feel pressured into giving any particular answer to something that you just don't know.

How are you doing today?

Posted on: June 21, 2012 - 7:15pm
midgeymoo

Hi

I'm not so bad today thanks. My head felt such a muddle of feeling this morning so i sent a message to the lady i had been seeing for hypnoanlysis/NLP/CBT a while ago asking if she had any appts today on the offchance. I saw her this morning and spent an hour chatting through everything that has been happening and how i've been and am now feeling. She posed some thoughtful questions which helped to unravel my thoughts and feelings. By the end of the session, i had decided to ask my partner if he will attend counselling again, with Relate this time and if he refused then at least i would know where i stand. I also decided that i need to take a few days away alone, to take some space for myself and to think and just be me. I also decided i need to 'lighten up' a bit and find some things i enjoy doing as i just don't do anything for me nowadays. Maybe a Zumba class, some friends round for movie and wine, something for me.

I asked him over lunch if he will attend with me so that we can actually talk with guidance, understand what is being said and to hopefully work through things. I told him i want us to do this as we are unable to talk alone because we find communication difficult. He said 'its pointless, it doesn't work, it didn't work for my ex wife and me', so i told him that a house move it would be. He came back with, 'but i'll do it for you, i still think its pointless though'. I told him that i'm not his ex, she went too far and began a full blown affair before they went to relate, i am me and i would like this to work, but if we can't hear what one another is saying then frankly its the end. Change cannot happen, i feel, without a third party to intervene between us and help guide us towards it by allowing us to talk openly about whats going on in our heads, how one another feels etc.

So anyways, my head is clearer. I've contacted Relate to arrange an appt and we'll see what happens. And i'm looking into arranging a few days away when my boys are next at their dads. I will however keep my name on the books at the letting agents should things not turn out to well. I'll finish looking at the properties i've booked for viewing so i'm aware of location, size of living space etc on houses/flats in the area.

 

 

Posted on: June 21, 2012 - 8:05pm
Louise
Parenting specialist
DoppleMe

Midgymoo you should be so proud of yourself for the way you have sifted through this situation and come up with a clear plan.

Hope you are generally feeling a bit more positive Smile

Posted on: June 22, 2012 - 8:25am
midgeymoo

Thank you Smile

I feel much better today. My parents came over this morning (school sports day in the rain), i told them my plans and they are supportive, it may not be what they want for me, but they understand and know its my desicion to make. They are not convinced that counselling will make any difference to my partner, especially, they say, as my partner commented 'i'll do it for you'.

I told them that i will try all the same, i'll give it 4 - 6 sessions with counselling together and see how it goes. If all remains the same, then i know i am wasting my time and i'll resume my plan to move out.

My partner at the moment seems to think that we should be all 'hug and kiss' because he feels like i've shut him out. I have shut him out to an extent because i am fully aware that if i start getting all romantic, with hugs and kisses etc he will see it as 'everything is okay again now, no need to bother about changing anything'. I'm happy with sitting back for now as i am deadly serious that the situation needs to change and need to know that he is prepared to put some effort in too. Does that make sense?

Finished looking at the last of the properties this morning. Have a good idea of what is available and where. Have also got my name on the local HomeLink list for council housing should things not work out. I am on letting agents mailing lists for properties so will get to see what comes along each week.

Relate came back to me today and are referring me to my local area to arrange an appt. And my parents have offered to pay for me to go away on a spa weekend, for which i am most grateful. I hope to get away in a couple of weeks time over the weekend whilst my boys are at their dads. It'll give me the space to think through my thoughts and through anything that may arise from counselling.

Posted on: June 22, 2012 - 12:50pm
Anna
Parenting specialist
DoppleMe

Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant! I am glad that you are holding strong, you will get there you know. I am pleased that you are seeing a therapist as this will be so useful over the next few weeks and that you are going to keep your eye out for property, as you say, even though you are unsure about the relationship, you know that you need some space.

I am uber excited that you are going away for some 'you' time, fantastic! Just what the doctor ordered! (literally!) Thank god for brilliant parents! Smile

Posted on: June 22, 2012 - 3:29pm
midgeymoo

Hi Frown
I've been clear in my head all week, since I asked my partner to come counselling at relate with me.
He asked me, in a 'speaking to a child kind of voice' last night if we can have a little talk before we go off to bed (or beddy byes as he called it!?). So 10.30pm last night we talked. Again.
He said he's sorry he's not had a chance to talk since last week as he's been busy so he thought we could make time to talk not just this weds eve but every weds eve before his children arrive and it gets too busy to talk. Said he just wants to talk bout daily stuff.
He opened the conversation with asking what I have been doing over the last week, about us. Told him I'd contacted counsellors at relate and am waiting for an appt from them, told him I was seeking houses but had not viewed anymore in the last week. 'Oh!', he says.
He then asked if he could tell me something. He went on to say that he hopes I can understand why he thinks counselling is pointless or not a good idea. He said that he has 75% got his mind round me moving out and thinks I should follow it through as counselling is not likely to make me feel happy, but that he thinks that me moving out would. Says I can raise my boys the way I want without him in the way, even though he feels he's developed a bond with them and he will miss them and he's sure they will miss him too (been all over my boys like a deadly rash this last week - even my dad and mum noticed this). Says he's never going to be able to be their father figure as I won't let him in to do so. Also said that he feels counselling won't work because it'll be a quick fix like the last time we went together. This bit angered me as I don't and haven't ever seen counselling as a fast fix, its progressive and an cumulative effect over time, you work at it. And I told him that, but he's adament that it's not likely to make me happy because it's just a quick fix. I feel he only sees it as a quick fix because he went to counselling reluctantly last time, did what the counsellor asked us to, but in quite a controlling way, we have to do this because the counsellor says attitude, which is great, but when counselling ended, things reverted back to the norm. So anyway, he says we have more of a chance if I move out and then we'll be able to talk. I told him that talking is our prob, we speak different languages to one another and don't understand what the other is trying to say (i tried to keep it positive). Counselling will help by providing a mediator or platform from which to talk and explore with the end hope being to resolve things mutually. Says he will go for me though.
Anyway, he then went on about wanting to be close to me, 'your so distant', he said, 'just want to feel close, not full sex', he said, 'but to kiss and hug and lie next to you and then we can move on from there and get close again'. 'Your my girlfriend and I love you and I want to be close to you, you hardly kiss or hug me anymore'. He then grabbed me for a hug saying, like this, it's a hug, doesn't it feel nice? No it felt false on my part, uncomfortable, forced. I said if i don't feel close because we can't communicate then how am i meant to feel close? He also said that i don't talk to him so how is he supposed to know how i'm feeling or whats going on.. oh and he mentioned 'it feels like you don't care about me or us' ????

He went on to say that he's a person who wears his heart on his sleeve, he gets emotional and he loves me and he just wants me to be happy. Also said that at 43 he's too old to go dating again and find another girldfriend, unlike me who prob wants someone else. To which I said no, thats why I'm still trying to salvage what we have left. Then it went back to the hugs and kisses where I then got snappy saying we can't talk therefore things are strained and with everything going on I don't feel close. He said 'we are talking now, and what stuff do you mean is going on?' I told him that I can't just flick a switch inside me and be close. He carried on bout hugs and kisses. I said 'ok whatever, let me just flick my switch and I'll meet your wants and needs, but what about my wants and needs?' He then asked me, what do you want?????!!!! I was like, 'Er hello brick wall' at this point!
So end of talk. I sit back, he asks what's the matter, I tell him I'm peed off, he asks why - ?? It's just like a merry go round!!! So he says, ok lets end on a funny note, what in the past in our relationship was the funniest thing, the thing that made you laugh most. I burst into laughter there and then, talk about change in conversation. He asked why I'm laughing. I said because serious talk followed by that question. My mind is reeling with everything just spoken and now you want me to cast my mind back?? I laughed some more.
End of talk..
Hops into bed and he says, give us a kiss..
So now what? This is bordering on insane!

This morning i was snapping at my boys again, all week i'd been fine and now i'm snapping again. I felt miserable this morning, i feel miserable now. My dear other half on the other hand seems fine and keeps asking me 'are you ok, whats the matter, can i do anything to help'.

Aaaaarrrrgggghhhhh!!!!! I feel like saying 'ENOUGH!' but some stupid part of me wants to try and won't let go..

God i feel crap..

Posted on: June 28, 2012 - 12:17pm
Louise
Parenting specialist
DoppleMe

Hello midgymoo

You said it, you are going round in circles now, that is why you feel low, ie not getting anywhere. I am going to say something now that may be construed as sexist and if anyone does not like it then I apologise but one of the Venus/Mars,women/men differences seems to be that men like to use physical contact to establish emotional closeness whereas women seem to want to achieve emotional closeness before they feel inclined toward physical contact, and that is what is happening for the two of you.

I do think that you need to focus on yourself and your boys and not feel dragged down into wherever your partner is with the situation.

Posted on: June 28, 2012 - 4:46pm
midgeymoo

I read that book two or three years ago Smile, i remember reading that bit and i really have tries to take it on board. I appreciate that we are wired differently, and though i find it frustrating i understand thats how my partner operates, i just wish he had enough respect to understand it from my point of view but he fails to hear me. Unless we learn to communicate, gain an understanding and are prepared to make changes then going round in circles will continue and after 3 or more years of circling, i want a break, i want a life with my boys.

The thing is, though he has said he will attend counselling, to me he has said it because its what he knows i want to hear if you see what i mean. He's not therefore attending because he wants to? To him whether i say lets try counselling or alternatively i'll move out, as far as i can see he wants neither so how can this work out? He wants me and fears losing me, he wants control and hes fighting for it, the more he asserts control the more i retreat.

Having thought about what he said about me moving out, and counselling being pointless, doesn't work and will be a quick fix, i have come to the conculsion that perhaps he is right about the moving out part. Counselling is likely to be pointless, not work and a quick fix on his part because we will go, like last time, we'll talk, like last time, he'll do as he is asked to passify me, and my fear is that following counselling if his heart is not in it to try and he's only doing it for me, then he's likely to revert back to his old ways? Perhaps the shock of me actually standing my ground and moving out may spur him into actually wanting to. He has reacted by being extra friendly with my boys and jumping in as the father figure, taking control...

Ok, have to go now, in a muddle again. SOrry

Posted on: June 30, 2012 - 11:01pm
Louise
Parenting specialist
DoppleMe

Hi midgymoo

I understand what you are saying about counselling and you are right: if his will not not there and he is only "doing it for you" then any resultant changes are likely to be very temporary.

No-one can tell you what to do now. My own feeling is that moving out is still the way to go, but it's your call.

Posted on: July 1, 2012 - 7:23am
midgeymoo

I know. And its so very difficult. But thanks for listening and your support everyone.

You know, i'm reading this book at the moment called 'why do we have to live with men?'. Its a story about 6 women who go away for 6 months to live together as a commune, no men allowed, in a rundown seaside town. Two other women join them along the way. They fend for themselves, grow food, share all the chores it and every so often have 'group time' where each shares with the others the route to them entering the commune, why they are there. The point is, they have time to think, time to just be themselves and remember who they are, they have time to reflect on the past and work out their feelings. Some have partners/boyfriends back home, some don't and its strange to see what they are missing about life and about the men in their lives.

The book caught my eye in a charity shop, and i felt intrigued probably because of my situation at present. You know when you read a book and you think, 'thats how i'm feeling', well this one is pressing a few buttons - a space just to be and reflect is what i think its saying, when it all gets too much, its whats needed and 6 months may be rather too long for some, 2 days or a week may suffice, but yes, space and time to think and just remember who you really are not live the life you feel your expected to etc.. Does that make sense?

 

Posted on: July 1, 2012 - 8:09am
Jacs
DoppleMe

Hi midgeymoo,

I don't feel able to comment on your situation, but I thought that posting this link to women -only holidays (found elsewhere on OneSpace) might be useful - they have a sliding scale of prices, so should be affordable too. Hope it helps - Jacs xx

http://www.hortonwhc.org.uk/

 

Posted on: July 1, 2012 - 11:59am
midgeymoo

Many thanks. I took a look today along with the other links on One Space, might look at booking something for my boys and i in the summer hols.

Spent the day away from the house today. My boys have been at their dad's this weekend. i went to watch my oldest at his footy tournament this morn then they went back with their dad to his and i spent the afternoon with my parents, it was lovely and a refreshing afternoon, came away feeling light and happy. Had a good chat with them about things and they simply listened. Love my parents.. 

 

Posted on: July 1, 2012 - 9:44pm