Sex and Relationships

Using your own experience to support your teenager in the mysterious world of sex and love.

‘So you’re a single parent then? Broken marriage? Failed relationship? Not so good at the whole romance business then? What kind of example does that give to your daughter I wonder? And now you’re cavorting around with some young fancy man! It’s no wonder the youth of today…..’ etc, etc

Well, that’s one way to look at it! But just in case you don’t agree with that view, here’s another one to consider:

Do you remember being a teenager? How confusing, scary and exciting it was to be starting out in the world of love and romance…and of course even scarier still, sex. And of course, what we as single parents know, is that it still is confusing, scary and exciting and nobody gets it exactly right. The experiences we’ve had that have got us to this point, are part of the gift we can give our children. It enables us to understand and empathise and that is crucial to supporting a teenage son or daughter through these difficult years. Because you know first hand just how tricky relationships can be – at any age – you will be able to give support that recognises this in an honest and non-judgemental way. In your single parent family it’s not so easy to hide relationship cracks and flaws and that can only be a healthy situation to be in.

If you’re a single mother who was in a violent relationship you may be living with the guilt and worry of how your previous relationship has impacted on your children’s ability to have healthy relationships. But actually, what you have done is shown them that they don’t have to put up with abuse and that is a really valuable lesson for your children, particularly your daughters. If you are a man bringing your children up alone then you too are giving them, particularly your sons, a valuable lesson in breaking down parenting role stereotypes.

Another widely held opinion, that also undermines single parents, is the one that says that during teenage years a girl needs a mother around and a boy needs a father. The suggestion being that a girl brought up by a lone father, or a boy brought up by a lone mother, must be missing out on some essential guidance that will mean they won’t learn to function as healthy sexually active adults. But, again, there is another way of looking at this opinion. Who better than a father to understand and be able to explain to his daughter why her boyfriend finds it difficult to talk about his emotions? Who better than a mother to explain to her son why it might be that his girlfriend seems to fly off the handle suddenly every few weeks but is wonderfully loving the rest of the time?

Of course, where a teenager doesn’t have a parent of the same sex in their lives on a day to day basis, there may be personal things relating to puberty or being sexually active that they would find uncomfortable talking about with their parent. In this case you may need to ask your son or daughter whether there is someone else he/she feels able to talk to and if there isn’t perhaps you could explore together ways of them getting that support, perhaps through a GP or sexual health clinic.

If your child’s other parent is around then it is in the teenage years that you will begin to appreciate how much it is to your children’s benefit to have separated parents who are able to communicate with each other. In such a situation it becomes so much easier for these issues relating to sex and puberty to be handled sensitively and respectfully.

Useful Links

Channel 4 website - looks at changing attitudes to virtue and virginity in relation to teenagers, with a helpful list of organisations

Parenting teens website - parenting tip about talking to teenagers about sex, with lots of links to other parenting related pages

BBC sex website - helpful discussion of the key aspects of teenage sexuality with some helpful suggestions for parents