Supporting your children after Separation

If you have recently become a single parent, it will have had a huge impact on you and your children’s lives, whether you wanted the separation or not.

You may have a feeling of liberation or desperation; however every family member may be feeling differently and will need to find different ways of coping.

Your children may feel vulnerable, this is often expressed by acting up or reverting to childish ways, they may blame you and you will be the one dealing with the backlash of this behaviour. They have had their world turned upside down and by acting up they are showing that they need lots of reassurance that you are not going to leave too. 

Try and keep consistent with your children’s day to day routine, they need to feel that they still have some control over what is going on in their lives, that they will still be going to Brownies on a Tuesday eve or the Football games on a Sunday. If you feel that your children are reacting very badly to the situation, come and talk to experienced single parenting specialists in the Parenting Support Discussions

Keep communication open and be as honest (age appropriate) as you can with your children about what is happening. If you feel overcome by the emotional aspect of it all, it is fine to share that with them and it will help them to put their thoughts and feelings into words too. However the children need to see that you are coping and that you are strong, so have your moment and then move on, this will be teaching them how to cope with the difficult times in our lives.

If your child thinks that you may be over concerned, anxious or angry, they won’t tell you stuff. Your child may find it hard to talk to you about the changing family situation, so it is important that you give them the opportunity to talk to a third party, for example grandparents, friends (yours and theirs), another adult family member or a professional. You could let them know that you can see that they are finding things difficult and suggest they talk to someone at Childline on 0800 1111, as it can really help.

Don’t vent your feelings about your ex with your children, you might feel furious or desolate as to how your ex is behaving, but save this for a friend or come and talk to others in our Separation and Divorce Discussions. 

It is important to look after yourself. When your emotions are all over the place it is not easy to keep on top of all that parenting demands, however just aim to be the best parent you can be at any given time. We are always told to put our children’s needs first and that can feel like our needs are not valid, but it is important to look after yourself too. For your children to thrive, you need to start thriving too.

In the 12 months after separating, you will face a lot of firsts.  When you have been through these once, they do get easier. The first Christmas separated, the first children’s birthday, the first summer holiday, the first parents evening. You may well reminisce about good times had, ‘this time last year’ or you may be celebrating your new found freedom. If you are struggling with finding yourself parenting alone, find out some of the positives in the discussion:  The best thing about being a single parent is…?
 

Other articles you might find interesting:

How to recover from a broken heart 

Top 10 Tips for Parenting Alone

I’m a single parent now (video)

Will I ever trust anyone again

Feeling depressed

Stress and Anxiety

Moving On

If you are worried about a child or young person

YoungMinds provides a telephone helpline service to parents and carers in the UK who have a concern about their child's emotional problems or behaviour on 0808 802 5544 . Opening hours are 9.30am-4pm Monday to Friday . Calls from landlines and most mobiles (3, O2, Orange, T-mobile, Virgin and Vodafone) are free.