LGBT single parents

Anyone with their eyes open will be aware of the wonderful diversity of family life within Britain that encompasses mixings of culture, ethnicity, religion, disability and sexuality. This diversity can be a rich soil for raising children but it can also bring additional challenges and obstacles, particularly for those doing it single-handedly.

What does it mean to be a LGBT (Lesbian/Gay/Bisexual/Transgender) single parent?

There is no simple answer to this question – the ways in which anybody becomes a single parent are many and various and this is no different for a LGBT single parent.  For example, the route by which a lesbian woman becomes a single parent can include:

A woman who identifies as lesbian chooses to get pregnant and parent alone through some kind of alternative insemination

• A lesbian couple adopt a child or children and then separate
• A woman changes her sexual identity after a heterosexual relationship in which she had children
• A transsexual woman identifying as lesbian who had children within a previous heterosexual relationship

The different issues and challenges for LGBT single parents

All of these situations carry different emotional issues, which become different again depending on other variable factors, like age, number of children and what other family support the parent has.  Consequently, it is nigh on impossible to say this is what being a LGBT single parent is like.

In many ways of course, being a LGBT single parent is no different to being a heterosexual single parent, the same pressures, the same challenges and the same joys.

However there are two aspects which can make it a very different experience.  The first is when a parent ‘comes out’ in later life having had a long-term heterosexual relationship or marriage and children, and second, the impact that a parent’s sexuality can have on their children.

‘Coming out’ later in life

 Research suggests that more women are ‘coming out’ later in life and although it is not possible to say why this is, it may well be because as homosexuality becomes more accepted then people feel more able to be open about feelings they may have denied or repressed for many years.

Of course, this decreased risk of being stigmatized doesn’t take away from the fact that to take such a step, with the resulting impact on husbands, wives, partners, children and other family members, is an incredibly difficult step to take.

Whether it is something that you have always known or whether it is something which you have only recently become aware, the thought of acting on this knowledge can be very scary.  How will people react?  What will your children think of you?  How is life going to change?

A lot of how the experience will be, depends on the relationships you already have and also on whether you come out as a result of having met someone else or it is just something you realize independently.

Interestingly, it is often true that the people closest to you already suspect.  People, particularly partners and children are a lot more perceptive than you think, and they are often not surprised.  Of course, whilst some people will find they are given a lot of positive support, for many others such revelations result in anger, upset and conflict.

There are some things you can do that can help you get through difficult times:

You don’t have to tell anyone until you are absolutely ready – make sure the changes happen at your pace and with you in control

• It is only your sexuality that has changed, not your parenting ability, you are not a bad parent or less able to take care of your children
• Your children still love you even if they are finding it hard to come to terms with and even if it takes them a while they may eventually respect you for having lived your truth
• Go easy on yourself – what you are going through is a major life change in which a huge number of the things that have made up your reality until now are changing – it may be rocky, give yourself time to find your feet and be good to yourself.

The impact on children

However you find yourself as a LGBT single parent your sexuality is going to impact to some degree on your children. 

If you are a LGBT person who has actively chosen parenthood it is likely that your children have grown up in the full knowledge and understanding of your sexuality/gender orientation and this is obviously the ideal scenario. Children who have grown up with a LGBT parent are more likely to have the self-confidence to handle any bullying or abuse they may encounter.

How you can help the children deal with it

Children who are coping with a parent who has come out later in life may need time just to come to terms with the situation.  During this time it may be wise to act with discretion that way there is no risk that your children may have to deal with negativity or verbal abuse from your wider family or community until they are ready.

Above all it is important to be absolutely honest with your children at all times about what is going on.  It may feel awkward at first to be with them with a same-sex partner, but they will take their lead from you, so even if you don’t feel it, act confident and comfortable and like it is the most natural thing in the world.  Children know when you’re being dishonest so don’t try to protect them.

A personal experience:

“Whilst I was married I felt increasingly unhappy about the physical side of our relationship but it took me many years to work out why.  When I did I spent at least a year going through frequent periods of denial and when I did finally accept that I was a lesbian I decided that I needed to move away from my children to experience what this meant without it affecting them. 

I left the family home and moved to another town for about 8 months, until I knew I couldn’t be away from them any longer.  They thought I’d gone to study on a postgraduate course.  Leaving them like this was really difficult for my children I know, especially as they also had to cope with the split between me and their father at the same time, but it gave me the strength I needed to make the change and to be able to come back and be honest with them. 

Both my boys accepted it with very little problem.  My daughter who was 12 and just starting puberty found it really difficult and she did initially react badly, going ‘off the rails’ for a few months.  All I was able to do was hang in their with her, reminding her that I loved her, being honest and she’s fine with it all now.  Maybe I put them through too much, but I think we’re all much happier now living truthfully.”

Useful Links

Stonewall offers parenting info from the lesbian, gay and bisexual charity.

Pink Parents offers support and services to all LGBT families.  There is a members section so you can make contact with other people in similar situations. (site currently down for maintenance)

SupportLine provides emotional support and details of agencies, counsellors, helplines, support groups across the UK

Lesbian and Gay Foundation Helpline: 0845 330 3030 - Helpline for lesbians, gay men and bisexuals.

Beaumont Trust: 07000 287878 - Helpline for transsexuals, transvestites and their partners. Referral to specialist agencies, counsellors and self help groups.

Gires offers Court information for transsexual parents.

The Gender Trust supports all those affected by gender identity issues. Helpline number: 0845 231 0505

Mermaids – Family and individual support for teenagers and children with gender identity issues