Frequently Asked Questions

My child’s father is not paying any Child Support 

Separating couples are encouraged to come to a private agreement about who will pay what child support. If they are unable to do this, the Child Support Agency will assess the circumstances and make a ruling. They will also enforce the agreement if it is not adhered to.

We have regular arrangements for my son to see his Dad. He really looks forward to Saturdays and sometimes his Dad just doesn’t show up. I can’t bear how sad this makes my son.

This is a difficult one; after all you cannot force your son’s dad to have contact. You could write a letter to him explaining (in a non-aggressive way) that your son gets very upset when he doesn’t come as arranged and ask him to reassure your son that he still loves him and to stick to the arrangements. It is tempting for you to criticise the other parent to your son (“Typical! Your dad never keeps his word” etc) but try not to do this. Instead tell your son that his dad loves him and will come if possible but that sometimes he can’t get there. Have a couple of treats in mind, which you could both enjoy if you get that extra day together because dad doesn’t show up. 

My daughter really misbehaves after her fortnightly visit to her father 

 This is very common problem among parents who have separated. A child has to learn to behave differently when in the company of their different parents, your rules might not be their rules, you might discipline her for things that your ex partner doesn’t. Stick by what you believe in and how you expect her to behave when she is with you, she needs your consistency and to know that however she behaves you still love her. Be honest with her about how her behaviour makes you feel.

I don’t mind my kids seeing their dad but I don’t want them getting involved with his new partner. He left me for her! 

 This can be a distressing situation. It is to be hoped that children are not introduced to new partners until that relationship is properly established, as more comings and goings can be very unsettling for them. However, it is easy to confuse your feelings for your former partner with your wishes for your children. It is important that you stop and consider what is behind your feelings. Could it be you want to punish him for what he has done to you? Or maybe you have fears that your children will get close to this woman? As long as there are no safety concerns (for example if drugs or violence are involved) then the best thing for your children is to stand back and let them have the relationship with the other parent and his new partner.....not easy! 

I worry about my son’s safety when he is with his dad 

 What is it that is worrying you? If your worries are about whether he is having junk food, staying up too late, not following your parenting rules then maybe you need to accept that the two of you parent differently. However, if your son is being neglected (left alone when young, not fed enough or dressed warmly) or is in danger (not being in a car seat when in a car, exposed to inappropriate situations e.g. dad takes drugs or drinks heavily during his parenting time) you must take action immediately. Whilst a relationship between father and son is to be encouraged, your son’s safety is your absolute priority. Seek legal advice and get the solicitor to write to him detailing why contact is being denied. It may be the situation can be resolved or it may be that he will go to court and end up with only supervised contact.

My former partner will not accept that we will never get back together again. When he picks up our daughters, he takes the opportunity to make suggestive remarks or to tell me he still loves me. 

You need to make it clear that there is no chance of getting back together. Speak to him on the telephone when your daughters are not present (or write a letter/email). Say that your relationship is over and you want him to stop putting this emotional pressure on you. Stress that you still both love your daughters and the best thing for them is if you can both behave in a calm business-like way and that if he continues like this, he will have to pick up the girls from another family member or the local Child Contact Centre.

Do grandparents have rights? My former daughter in law won’t let me see my grandchildren. 

 There is no established right for a grandparent to have contact with their grandchildren. Some grandparents get involved in costly and protracted court battles. Sometimes grandparents can have time with the children during their son/daughter’s own parenting time, if they have any. There is a tendency that children can be used as a weapon in an adult battle. Keep the lines of communication open by writing to the children often, texting them if they are old enough to have a mobile phone, or even picture postcards for younger children. You could write a placatory letter to your former daughter in law saying that you love your grandchildren and want to see them, even if it is for a short time. Offer to babysit so she can have some child-free time.  For further information on the rights of grandparents check out the BeGrand website

I want my child to have a relationship with her mother but when I drop her off, we two parents always end up arguing, which cannot be good for my daughter.

The Seperated Families website is packed with strategies for handling this situation. Research shows that the most distressing aspect of their parents’ separation is if children witness conflict. There are several options here. The preferable one, long-term, is for the two parents to find a way to work together. This may involve using the services of your local Family Mediation Service. Read “Putting Children First” by Karen and Nick Woodall.

My son is not making any friends 

 Sometimes when a family separates children feel they are to blame and that they are unlikeable and that is why one parent has left the home. Reassure him that it is not his fault and that both of you still love him. Encourage him to invite a friend home, or if he is uncomfortable with that, you could ask a school friend to come to the park with you. Talk to his teacher, a class is a big place and the teacher might be able to have your child work with someone who he can get on with. Talk to other mums at the school gates, if he sees you socialising, he may join in. Try not to let your son know you are anxious about it, so he doesn’t feel he is disappointing you. Tell him about his positive attributes and let him know that you think he is a great.

My boys are always shouting and screaming at me, we have no peace in our house 

 Often when we first separate from our partners we are emotionally confused and often our parenting suffers for it. We might find ourselves shouting and screaming at them, we are their main role models, therefore are they copying us? Try and spend some family quality time, lay down some family rules, try a parenting course, once we find some peace within ourselves, we can deal with our children with calmness and patience, which in turn can rub off on them.  

My daughter wants her boyfriend to sleep over, should I let her?

You may want to show her the ruthinking website and leave her alone with it for a while. Legally your daughter is allowed to be having sex at 16, what you need to decide is if you are happy for this to happen under your roof. If you don’t allow it, will she just stay at her boyfriend’s? How does this make you feel? Have you had the discussion about safe sex? Do you feel she is being sensible? How long have you known the boyfriend? There are many factors to consider, only you can make that decision, you make the rules about what goes on in your house and you must do what you are comfortable with. Don’t over-react as the most important thing is that your daughter feels she can talk to you. Discuss your fears with her and perhaps make a family contract regarding what rules must be abided by. You could try and write a list of pro and cons to get a clearer picture of how you feel about it.

My son has got into a bad crowd and I think he is doing drugs 

 The Talk to frank website is an excellent resource for teens and parents alike. Read up about drugs yourself so that you know what you are talking about. See if you can get to some spend some quality time with him so you keep your relationship going and have opportunities to discuss things with him. Get to know his friends and encourage them to come round – they may not be as ‘bad’ as you think.

Please join us in Your Talk where you can get tips, ideas and other single parents experiences on any particular issue you would like to discuss regarding parenting alone.