Introducing a new partner to your children

Meeting someone new and falling in love can be one of the most positive and exciting times in our lives. But if you, they, or both of you, have children already, embarking on an exciting new relationship can start to feel like a complicated juggling act.

Falling in love can stretch our loyalties and cloud our judgement. It may feel liberating and delicious in the early days to take time out of our day-to-day life and spend some romantic childfree time with a new partner, but what happens when we’ve cashed in all our ‘childcare/babysitting favors with friends or family (- if there was any to cash in anyway)? What happens when we want to live a life which includes our new partner and our children all at the same time?

When should we introduce a new partner to the children? If the children are in the house, when can a new partner stay the night? What role does a new partner play in our child’s life?

Of course it is important that we trust our own judgement - only we know the individuals involved and the details of our own situation. However, it can be a tricky and stressful time leaving us feeling torn in different directions. It can also feel like we have nothing to refer to and as if we have no option but to ‘make it up as we go along’.  If that’s how you feel, here are some tips on which many people who have been through this experience seem to agree:

Introducing a new partner
Don’t introduce a new partner to your children until you are sure that the relationship is stable and has a future.

Providing models for our children
Kids learn about how to behave from us. Try to avoid exposing them to a succession of fleeting partners.  Adults arriving and then leaving their lives, once they have become attached, can impact on our children’s ability to form long lasting relationships in the future. It can also be very unsettling for them.

Keep things slow and casual in relation to your children
You may be excited by a new relationship but your children my feel frightened, threatened, angry or confused. Respect their feelings. Take things slowly. When it feels right to introduce them to a new partner, keep things as casual as you can: this is mum or dad’s boyfriend or girlfriend, not a replacement parent!

Talk to and listen to your children
Before your children meet your new partner, talk to them, explain the situation. Then listen hard to what they say and give them space and time to talk about anything they are worried about. Reassure them about how much you love them (they may be nervous, particularly if they sense that you are different). Quite reasonably they may fear that you will pay them less attention.

Not a ‘done deal’
Whilst you don’t want to let your kids think that they can decide whether you keep your new partner or not,  the relationship they form with your partner will have a huge impact on how things work out.  If the children aren’t presented with a ‘done deal’ – if they feel that the future of their family has been decided with out their feelings being considered – they are less likely to feel angry or upset.

What’s in it for me?
If your new partner has children, your children may be more interested in his or her children than they are in your new partner.  (What’s in it for them will be different from what’s in it for you). On the first occasion that you introduce the children to a new partner, it may be worth all meeting together, rather than you meeting your partners kids then they meeting yours. (It also means that no one is likely to feel left out).

Your relationship with your children
Having some one new in your life may mean that you pay your children a little less attention – this is not necessarily a bad thing.  It can be good for your children to have ‘space’ to become their own person, and it is good for them to see you happy and to see that you have a life of your own. See Time with your kids below.

Your new partner and your ex
If your ex plays a role in your children’s lives, it is your responsibility to tell them about your new partner, ideally before you tell the children. Tell your ex as a courtesy and in relation to it being an event in your children’s lives, rather than it being an event in your life. Don’t use the information as a way score points. Don’t allow your child to become a ‘go-between’ in terms of breaking the news to your ex also don’t expect them to ‘keep secrets’ from your ex.

Sleeping over
Ideally, you should wait for your children to have met your partner on a number of occasions and hopefully everyone feels relaxed with each other before they stay for ‘sleepovers’ if the children are in the house. Tell your children that your partner will be sleeping over. Ideally try and involve you partner in family meals, rather than your partner only turning up when the children have gone to bed.

Time with your kids
Don’t let time with your new partner consume all the time you spend with the kids. Make sure you still have plenty of one-on-one time with your children. During any transition or change, children are likely to need to see more of you.

Acting up
If your children are acting up and behaving badly, try not to get angry (because you think they might be showing you up or trying to sabotage your new relationship). It probably means they are trying to tell you something. Create some alone time with your children individually and show that you really want to know what they are feeling (try not to shut them off because you don’t want to hear or don’t like what they might have to say).  Whilst you are feeling that you have a lot to gain, they may feel that they are losing you. They may also feel conflicted in their loyalty to their other parent.

Don’t pressure or expect your children to feel the same way as you do about your new partner
Give your children space and time to form their own relationship with you new partner. Respect your children’s feelings even if they are not what you’d like them to be. The outcome is more likely to be happy that way.

Introducing a new partner to your children can be a rocky time and emotions can run high. The more anxious you are to make it work, the more the children will pick up on this and possibly rebel. Take it slow. Be prepared to create breathing and thinking spaces. Most importantly, show your kids with love and attention (rather than gifts and bribes!) that they are still your priority. The fact that you have someone new to love and to love you is one of life’s gifts; it’s something to be cherished. Show your kids that if anything there is more, not less, love to go around.

Things to look for in the library:
‘Starting Again – How to learn from the past for a better future’ by Sarah Litvinoff, part of the Relate relationship series published by Vermillion.

‘Step-families – Living successfully with other people’s children’ by Suzie Hayman, also part of the Relate relationship series published by Vermillion.