Young mum's experience

How one young mum overcame all the barriers against her.
Bringing up Ruby as a single parent has been both the hardest thing I have ever done and will probably ever have to do, as well as the most amazing, challenging and fulfilling experience ever…the good outweighs the bad and I have especially found this as my daughter has grown! I have always been on my own with my daughter – never had a partner living with me, although have dated and had much fun on my nights off!

Ruby’s dad assured me that he was going to support me, but after 3 months he left.
I was 19 when I fell pregnant with Ruby, living in bedsits with other teens… I had just finished three years of college and was applying for a university place, studying fashion. My daughter’s father and I had a relationship and after having unprotected sex and taking the morning after pill, I still fell pregnant. Ruby’s dad assured me that he was going to support me, but after 3 months he left. I have always kept regular contact with my daughter’s dad’s family, as I think it is important for Ruby to have that connection.

My worst nightmare coming true
After falling pregnant in the bedsit, the landlord informed me that I needed to move out. I had nowhere to go, so moved into a local mother and baby unit. At the time I saw this as my worst nightmare coming true, but looking back, I see it as a blessing in disguise. I worked throughout my pregnancy and moved into the unit when I gave up work (two weeks before I gave birth).

I was scared
After giving birth, I didn’t want to return the unit with her…. I was scared, I thought something bad was going to happen, as having all the responsibility of looking after the little person was huge, I was scared I used to worry that I would miss seeing a symptom of illness and her getting ill would be my fault, but it was nice to return to a place where I wasn’t alone, I had support and reassurance from the housemates and Housing Support Worker. I was eventually housed in a local Housing Association property and started the independent life I have now.

I had never earned a good wage
I look back throughout the years and feel saddened about the rough times, as times were hard ……. I had never earned a good wage and just about managed to get all the basic things that I needed whilst trying to develop my life. I have always tried to develop myself as well as raise Ruby, the best way I know how.

I would love to go out
When Ruby was younger I enjoyed ‘my time’ and would love to go out and party on the nights when I didn’t have her, but often had to sacrifice nice clothes, taxis and many other things, just to be able to provide for us.

Ruby’s dad had absolutely battered my confidence
I think one of the worst things about those times was that I craved attention and wanted to feel accepted and loved by somebody (anybody) as Ruby’s dad had absolutely battered my confidence, I had been so let down and rejected, I was in bit of a self destruct state.

I have dated my fair share of men over the years and each one has taken what they wanted and then run from things as soon as there was a hint of commitment mentioned.

I have always tried to hide how difficult things are
For me, personally, I have always tried to hide how difficult things are firstly from my daughter, but also from the men I was seeing. I would drop Ruby off to school, go to work, come home, cook dinner, bath Ruby, clean the house and then invite someone over when everything was perfect, clean and sorted. I enjoyed the time as it was ‘my time’ (escape time), the man would have no idea of my problems, be it money problems, problems with Ruby, health problems, emotional problems and as far as I was concerned I had my 5 minutes of feeling stress free, special and datable.

‘I had got myself into this, now I have get myself out of it’
In retrospect, it wasn’t good for me, constantly hiding my feelings from everyone (my daughter, friends, partners) I often felt ‘I had got myself into this, now I have get myself out of it’ and ‘they wouldn’t want me if they knew what pressure I was under’. I think that I internalised a lot of my feelings and buried them deep inside me. At the point of that realisation I applied for counselling, I felt as though I was suffering inside and needed to relax and express myself more.

I completed some short-term counselling which, at the time, brought up a lot of uncomfortable feelings for me, making me feel emotionally drained and more stressed than normal, but after a period of time helped me change some patterns/bad habits that I have had for many, many years. After six sessions I stopped for 6 months, giving time for things to change, then I went back for further short-term counselling, which really helped me push through old habits (that held me back) and build new ones (that benefited me to have).

‘You reap what you sow, the sacrifices you make now, may not show immediately, but they will sure to be seen in time, I promise you’
I remember one day going to my daughter’s school Mentor crying because I was trying the hardest that I possible could, with all my heart, but Ruby had told me that she didn’t want to live with me and was being very rejecting, I felt devastated, I remember saying ‘I don’t know what else I can possible do, I don’t know what I’m doing wrong’ and him saying ‘you reap what you sow, the sacrifices you make now, may not show immediately, but they will sure to be seen in time, I promise you’ and I know its corny but that is exactly how I have seen being a parent, all the patience, time, effort, sacrifices that I made throughout her initial 8 years are now paying off.

I have progressed little by little
You can never get those initial years back; they are the building blocks for their future. I have always studied and worked part-time throughout Ruby’s life and strived to further myself, I am so thankful for that, because as hard as times were (and getting through day to day was an struggle) I have progressed little by little and built brick upon brick to get myself in a position where I can now get well paid employment and have options.
I am supposed to be doing 50% of a job and if I do 95% of that job 100% of the time then that is absolutely fantastic! No parent is perfect, but a one good parent is better than two bad ones!

Single parents are so hard on themselves
I know I was, I felt guilty, compensating for the missing parent, constantly trying to make up for the person that was not there. What I always try and remember is: I am supposed to be doing 50% of a job and if I do 95% of that job 100% of the time then that is absolutely fantastic! No parent is perfect, but a one good parent is better than two bad ones!
 

Train, learn, use resources and get work experience
So, if I had one word of advice for anyone, it would be, no matter what, (where possible) train, learn, use resources and get work experience because it all counts for when our children are a bit older and go to school and we have to find a sustainable job. Your local community has a lot of useful resources for single parents – use them!
I went to playgroups with my daughter three times a week, where I made friends, made community connections and met people that I have bonded with and am very close friends with now.

Everyday I give thanks for my daughter, she is a blessing and I have always seen her as a positive element of my life.

The services that I have used throughout the years of bringing up my daughter, and have benefited greatly from are: 

Young Mothers Group Trust

Netmums Preschool: Local Playgroups

Community Centres - Google the name of your town and Community Centre (ie Norwich Community Centre)

Lifelong Learning

Education UK

REF (Racial Equality Foundation)

Fast Track Small Grants - Google the name of your town and Fast Track Small Grants

YMCA

Free Counselling