Will I ever trust anyone again?

After the break-up of a relationship, one of the questions you may ask yourself is whether you can ever trust anyone again.

You may believe that all relationships are the same and your natural instinct is to protect yourself from further pain and disappointment. This is not true….

However, in the short term it is important to take time to heal yourself from the worst of the hurt and disappointment and start to rebuild your life so that you can learn to trust again. Initially yourself and then others.

How much trust is left?

Actually you do already have some trust:

• When you go to bed at night, you trust that the sun will rise in the morning.
• When you turn on the tap, you trust that water will come out.
• And when you get on a bus, you trust that it will take you to your destination.

These are all things that you know to be true, based on what has happened in the past.

Your partner, and maybe some former partners, may have hurt you, but thinking about your life experience to date, whatever your circumstances, you will have known some good people, people you were able to rely on and people who were worthy of your trust.

In other words, not all people are the same, it is not a “given” that because one or more people have betrayed you, that others will automatically do so.

Experiment

It seems mercenary to set people 'tests' in trust and yet that is what we do in new relationships and friendships.

For example, someone may tell you they will phone you on Monday. Monday comes and goes with no call and maybe you don’t think anything of it but then you bump into the person and they say they will call you the next day.

If they let you down again, you are already forming an impression of that person as unreliable. It takes longer to build up the reputation of being trustworthy; you may need several positive experiences of a person before you feel they deserve your trust. Don’t forget, the other person needs to see that you are trustworthy, too!

Talking it over

It might be a help to talk your feelings through with a counsellor (see your GP) not just about trust but also about the end of a relationship in general.  You may find a friend that will support you through this - and this will show you that you can trust this friend, which will in itself be healing!

One of the important things to work on is building your own self-esteem so that you know without doubt that you deserve to have trustworthy people in your life.

In acknowledging your feelings about the betrayal of trust, you may also be able to find it in yourself to accept that not everyone you meet will let you down.

Read all about it

There are a couple of books that are really helpful with this issue. The first looks at the pattern of your relationships in general and helps you focus on what you may want in a future partner. The second is a self-help book for getting over a broken relationship.

'Are you the one for me?' by Barbara de Angelis

'How to mend your broken heart' by Paul McKenna

Top Tips

• Remember: to heal after you have been hurt takes time
• Seek help from friends or a counsellor to discuss how you are feeling
• It might be a good idea to stay single for a while before you get involved in a new relationship
• Recognise that it is unlikely that any one person can meet all your needs and so the extent you will put trust in new people has only to be in the context you are involved with them
• The first step to learning to trust again is to trust YOURSELF
• Talk to other single parents on One Space's Discussions on Separation and Divorce or Relationships and You.