Help, I have just become a single parent, what do I do?

There are many reasons why people find themselves parenting alone.  In these early days we find ourselves asking how will I cope, and where can I turn for help?  The emotional effect can be devastating so why not come onto the One Space dicsussion boards to get support from other single parents. 

Aside from the emotional side, there are other practical matters that you will have to deal with first and there are 6 main areas to concentrate on first.

1. Housing 

What are your housing options? Are you going to/able to stay where you are? The answer will depend on whether you can afford to do so and whether you can take the tenancy/ownership in your sole name. If you are renting, it could be quite simple to transfer the tenancy.

If there is a mortgage then it could be more difficult in that your own income may not support the loan and your partner may also want to keep the property.

However hard it may be, face up to these things now and it will help you later on, rather than running up debts. Shelters Relationship breakdown is designed to help you work out what rights you have to your home if you split up from your partner, and provides information about welfare benefits and the rights of couples with dependent children.  You should make sorting out your housing issues as a top priority.

Contact the One Space Housing Expert for personalised advice.

2. Finances and money

There are a range of benefits to help single parents, whether working or not. However, please note that the benefits go to the person who has the entitlement to Child Benefit. This may not be you, if the other parent claimed Child Benefit when the child was born. If you need to get this changed, get in touch with The Child Benefit people.

If you have this entitlement already, contact Job Centre Plus about what else you can claim.

Is the children's other parent going to start paying child support and maintenance payments? It might be hard at first to manage your money when you become a single parent but there is lots of advice and support out there to help you along.  

Make sure that you tell key people about your change in circumstances. This includes:

• your housing and working benefit office
• your council tax office
• your mortgage lender or landlord
• water, gas, electricity and telephone companies

Contact the One Space Money Expert for personalised advice.

3. Work 

Becoming a single parent can effect your ability to work or not work.  If you do not work then it might be that you have to consider returning to work in order to be financially secure.  However if you do return to work, then there will be implications to any childcare arrangements that you had if you are a working single parent.  

If you do work then you will need to work out if you are able to continue with the same working pattern or whether you will have to change your hours.  This might be an increase or a decrease depending on your situation.  Bear in mind that the number of hours you work will have implications for any benefits you receive. 

4. Legal rights

You need to seek legal advice if you are separating from the other parent, especially if you were living together or have joint possessions. Many solicitors will give you the first 30 minutes free, check this before you book an appointment!

You will also need to make arrangements for child maintenance.  The Child Maintenance Options Service can tell you about your options for organising child maintenance, including setting up your own arrangement with your ex-partner. If you cannot agree, you can apply to the Child Support Agency to assess and collect maintenance.  If you are married or in a civil partnership, your solicitor can tell you whether to apply to court for maintenance for you. This is where your former spouse or civil partner pays money for your needs, not just those of your child.
Find an adviser or solicitor near you or contact the One Space legal Expert or One Space CSA Expert for personalised advice.

5. Supporting the children

This is the most important one of all! There are a host of emotional and practical issues facing you in your parenting. If the children are going to live with you, what contact will they have with the other parent? It is vital to be honest with your children as far as their age permits.

Younger children can be reassured by books about other families whose parents live apart, whereas older children will appreciate your openness. Never, never criticise the other parent in front of the children, however. Children of all ages need to be reassured that you both still love them and to know that the break up is not their fault. Expect tears, and anger and regressive (babyish) behaviour for a while. Be patient and loving and things should improve with time.

Contact the One Space Relationship and Parenting Expert for personalised advice

6. Supporting you

You may wonder if everyone is expecting you to be Superman or Wonder Woman as you tackle all these practical issues and try to provide a calm and loving space for your children, whilst undergoing major emotional upheavals of your own.  The answer is yes, they are...but you need to look after yourself in all this. 

Get the support of family and friends, or a counsellor if you need to talk things through at length. Try to get some time to yourself every day, even if it is only 15 minutes in the bath or half an hour after you finally get the rest of the family to bed. 

Congratulate yourself on having survived another day as a single parent! If things get truly difficult, talk things over with Family Lives on 0808 800 2222 or The Samaritans on 08457 909090.

Why not come onto the One Space dicsussion boards to get support from other single parents.