Getting your child to co-operate

As our children grow they want to make more and more choices. This is great, except when their choices mean they watch TV instead of doing their homework, or whine for sweets for twenty minutes while you are at the supermarket. The techniques below can be really effective for dealing with these and other uncooperative behaviours.

Golden rules

• Stay calm
• Be consistent
• Be realistic

“When....then”

• Select your key phrase, which you will need to repeat calmly throughout
• Example: “ WHEN you have done your homework THEN you may watch TV”
• Example: “WHEN you can speak to me in a sensible voice THEN we will talk about what you want to ask”
• Only phrase this in a positive fashion. This bit is very hard as it is instinctive for us to say “Stop whining” or “Get that TV turned off”, both of which are negative phrases
• In other words, give your child a POSITIVE, clear instruction about you want them to do, not what you want them to stop doing
• Be prepared to negotiate a little. A child may ask to finish watching a programme for five minutes and then be quite happy to co-operate.
• If your child is still non-compliant after, say, three or four requests, tell them that if they will not respect your wishes, you will need to impose a consequence. Remain calm!

Getting serious

• Only move to this stage when you have tried the above
• State what you want your child to do and the consequences of non-compliance
• Example: “I have asked you to do your homework. If you do not co-operate then you will be grounded for three days/have no pocket money this week/will have no computer for 48 hours”
• Only choose a sanction you will definitely be able to carry out; telling your child they will be off the PC for a month is rather impractical, as is grounding them for more than a few days
• Continue to stay calm, even if you impose the sanction. Emphasise that you have given your child a choice and they have chosen the behaviour that leads to these consequences

Top Tips

• Above all, stay calm. If you lose your temper, your child has distracted you from your intention
• When using “When...then” repeat the same key phrase several times and make it POSITIVE
• Give your child a warning that you will be moving on to consequences
• Choose a realistic consequence
• Appeal to a higher universe; rather than saying “It’s your own fault you are grounded”, say “Oh dear, the rule was that if you made that choice then you would be grounded so that is the end of it. Maybe next time you will make a different choice”....and leave the room!
• Do not feel guilty and reverse the sanction, otherwise you have undone all your good work

If you want support with more techniques for discipling your children come and talk to us on the Parenting Support Discussion boards.

If you have concerns about your relationship with your children, you can ask a personal question and receive confidential email advice from our Relationships Expert.