The 'good' father and the 'bad' father

The information below is a chapter from the The Freedom Programme book ‘Living with the Dominator’.

The Freedom Programme is a 12 session programme that has nationwide success empowering women to take back their lives after surviving domestic abuse.

Usually delivered face to face, the Freedom Programme is now available online for the first time ever, right here on One Space!

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The 'Good' Father and the 'Bad' Father

The Badfather uses children to control and abuse us. It should be noted that the Badfather is not necessarily the biological father of the children he is using to abuse us.

He turns the children against us
He employs a variety of tactics to turn the children against us. He undermines our authority, by countermanding our instructions. For example if we tell them to go to bed he will tell them to stay up late. If we want them to eat their meal he will tell them they “don’t have to eat that shit.”
He also turns the children against us by putting us down in front of them. He will make jokes about us to them and call us names in front of them. He will encourage the children to abuse us verbally and physically. He will buy their affection with expensive gifts that he has ensured we cannot afford. He will often do this after we have separated and he is refusing to pay for their support.

He uses the children to isolate us
He refuses to look after them so we cannot go out to work or to see friends. He persuades us to have children then refuses to help care for them. If he does look after them he does it so badly we don’t ask again and don’t go to work or out with friends. He also asks the children to check up on us.

He uses the children to intimidate us
After we have separated from him, he bullies or assaults us when he collects the children for access visits. He uses the courts to harass us over access and custody. He comes round late at night drunk and shouting that he wants to “see his children”. He will break windows or doors in this frenzy of supposedly fatherly zeal.

What does the Badfather believe which allows him to behave this way?
What does the Badfather believe about rights? Well the answer is that only he has rights and his rights matter. He believes that children have no rights and women have no rights.
He believes that men own women and children and women and children are accessories. The children are "his children" not "our children". It doesn’t matter how violent he has been he still has the right to see the children whenever he wants.
He believes that violence doesn’t affect the children
What goes on in a man’s home is no-one else’s business. The home is "his home" even though his name is not on the rent book. He believes that the behaviour we have listed is not abusive but it is normal.
He also holds beliefs about the occupation of childcare. Guess what? Childcare is "Woman’s work" and “Real Men" don’t do childcare. Women should stay at home with children.

Beliefs we share.
We are also receiving these messages and so we believe we cannot manage without a man. We are letting the children down if there is no man in the home.
His behaviour is normal not abusive (we tolerate it)
We use him for discipline “Wait until your father gets home.”
Children are not affected by domestic violence and abuse. We believe he can be a violent man and a good father.

How we are affected by the Badfather
The effects of turning the children against us.
This tactic has wide ranging effects. We are unable to discipline children for two reasons. One is because he has trained them to disobey us. The second is because he has destroyed all our confidence in our ability to act as assertive parents. We are then labelled a "bad mother."

The effects of using the children to emotionally abuse us.
We are unable to make decisions because he has destroyed all our confidence.
We are seen as mentally ill. We feel guilty or inadequate. We feel as though we are only useful for childcare. We lack the confidence to find work, training etc. We then have no money, so we offend or defraud the benefit agency. Because we believe we are letting the children down without a man in the home we go back to the abuser or get involved with another one.

How does the Goodfather behave?
For a start he does his share of childcare tasks. He changes nappies, gets up in the night, and feeds the children. He does his share of minding them, and does it properly. If we leave them with him to go to work or visit friends, we will find them fed and cared for and safe when we get home. We can then leave them with him again without having to worry. When he is caring for them he never describes himself as “baby-sitting” his own children!
If we wish to go out together he will take his turn at booking the babysitter.

He treats the girls and boys with equal respect and affection. He reasons with them if there are problems. He plays with them and communicates with them. He encourages non-stereotypical toys. He encourages the children to bring their friends home and to socialise.

The Goodfather encourages success at school or other areas of their lives. He helps with homework. He is financially responsible. He knows the children and knows their likes and dislikes. He knows what they like to eat and who their friends are.

The Goodfather treats us with respect, affection and admiration in front of the children. He will insist that they do the same. He supports our decisions. For example if we say it is bed time he will back us up. He shares financial responsibility and accepts paternity.

He is good humoured and pleasant and is consistent. He is responsible for his own behaviour and admits to being wrong, He tells the truth. He is a good role model.

The Goodfather believes that women and children have rights and deserve respect. He knows that women are perfectly capable of looking after children.
He also knows that he should do his share. He believes that violence and abuse should never be used in relationships and believes that children have a right to live in a happy peaceful environment. He likes women. He likes children.

Useful links

If you recognise the Bad father and want to learn more click for the Freedom Programme online course.

If you want to talk to a single parenting specialist about some of the after effects of the Bad father go to Relationships and You.

Find a face to face programme near you go to the Freedom Programme website

If you need or want further support for violence you have encountered visit Women's Aid, they support a network of over 500 domestic and sexual violence services across the UK.